Honey Haired
by magicallymc
Summary: Hey, guys. Sorry for slow updates; I've been feeling pretty sick lately. I'll try to start being more consistent with new chapters. Thanks for reading!
1. Want to help me wash the dog?

**1. Want to help me wash the dog?**

"**Mr. Telephone Man"- New Edition**

"Hello?"

"Hey," I said.

"Oh, hey." She sounds disappointed.

"Yeah. Hey."

What was I going to say? Something about how I like you. And something about how I want to help you. And something…

"Hey… and…?"

"Hey and… and… I want to help you, Andy."

"Help me with … washing the dog? Cleaning my room? My homework?" Sarcasm. Welcome for the sake of familiarity.

"Your cancer, Andy. Your cancer."

"Wrong answer, Josh." Click. She hung up on me.

----

In case you didn't know, Andy, the love of my life, belle of the ball, G-force player of the universe, told me she had cancer about a week ago. Then, the day after that, she told me to never talk about it, ever. Then she stopped answering my calls and stopped coming by to get smoothies at The Rack. But now she picked up. Granted, the next thing she had done was hang up.

I think I'll take a drive to her house.


	2. Central Line

**2. Central Line**

"**Save You"-Matthew Perryman Jones**

Ding-dong.

"Why, hello, young man," said a smile-y woman. She had hair like Andy's, and a nose too.

"Hi. I'm here to, um, I want to see, um, I came by because…" I stuttered. C'mon, I thought, pull it together, you big idiot. "I want to see Andy!" I blurted out.

"Oh, are you two friends? How nice! Well, I believe she's in her room- up the stairs, first door on the left. Go on up."

Sweet parents, letting me in her room with no supervision. This had the possibility to go very, very well.

I got to my first door on the left and knocked.

"Yeah, mom?" said Andy from the other side.

"Oh, actually…" I said as I turned the knob. I walked into her room. Andy was curled up on her bed, hair loose, ears, neck, and arms naked of jewelry. She wore sweatpants and a tank top. Her eyes were red.

Her dresser top was crowded. There must've been about a dozen pill bottles, half a dozen vials of liquid, a carton of syringes, a basket of gauze, a box of surgical masks and a brown plastic bottle.

"It's me."

Andy jumped up, pulling the blanket up to her chest, running to stand in front of her dresser.

"What are you doing?! Did hanging up on you not give you the message?!" Andy screamed.

"It's just… I really… why can't you be sarcastic?" I begged.

"Why can't you leave me alone?!" she retorted.

"I just want to help you..." as I took a few steps towards her. She turned away, burying her face in one of her hands, her other still holding the blanket.

"I don't need help. What would you think I needed help with? I'm a big girl, Josh."

"You don't have to be brave, Andy. I won't judge. Just let me in, I want to help." I put my hand on her shoulder, and turned her towards me. She let her hand drop for her face and it dangled at her side. She looked at the floor, her eyes avoided mine like the plague. I pushed her backwards a little, pushing her lightly to sit on the bed.

"I like you. As in '1-2-3 let's say what we're thinking, you have cancer and I like you' kind of like you," and I looked around the room. There was a desk in the corner. As I walked towards it, "I think you're gorgeous, inside and out. I like your sarcasm, weather or not I act like it," and I picked up 3 bracelets. I showed them to her and she nodded. I walked back towards her. "I like when we're together, no matter what. I like that you always order the same smoothie. I like that you play video games in the bathroom," as I took her hand and slid the bracelets on. "I like that you gave me fuzzy dice and instructed me on my first date that turned out to be ours. I like that you're brave," I had 4 necklaces around my arm and a hat. I jingled them. Andy smiled. I walked back towards her bed. "I like you." I slipped the necklaces over her head and pulled the hat over her hair. I lifted her face up by her chin. "But I don't like that you won't let me help."

Andy, who had this entire time been covering up her chest with her blanket, sighed, stood up, and let her hand drop, the blue fleece falling around her feet. A tear slipped out of her eye as her slim, pale fingers wrapped around a tube taped to the left side of her chest. It came out of her skin, looped, and on the end there was an opening.

"My central line." She pointed to her dresser. "My medicine." Another tear fell. "Do you want to be part of this? I know I don't." She looked down again.

"Andy, I don't know a lot of things, but I know that I want to be a part of this. I know that for sure." I put my hand up to Andy's cheek, and brushed her tears away.

Andy smiled, and then all of a sudden broke down crying. I pulled her close to me and just held her. I rocked her back and forth. Her hair smelled like sunshine, her skin as soft as velvet. She felt thin, her ribs against my hands, her hands cold on my neck. Her hot tears soaked through to my shoulder.

"I like you, I like you," I whispered through her wavy hair until she stopped shaking.

"I think I like you," Andy said, smiling through her blood-shot eyes.

Someone knocked on the door.

"Andy, it's 4 o'clock!" someone shouted through the door.

"Thanks, mom," Andy said back. A sad frown returned to her face.

"4 o'clock! Well, you know, that means it's 5 o'clock somewhere…" I said, hoping to lighten the mood.

"You don't have to stay here for this, Josh, I understand," and I could hear the tears coming back. She was walking towards her dresser.

I walked up behind her, grabbed her around the waist, and kissed her on top of her head. "I want to stay for everything, everyday, all the time." I could feel her smile come back.

Andy took 10 different bottles, shaking a pill from each into a paper cup. Then she swallowed them all at once with a sip of water. Next, she took a vile of clear liquid and got a syringe. She filled the syringe half way, and pushed the medicine in to her central line. She did that 2 more times. Last, she took the brown bottle and poured it onto a piece of gauze. She took the plastic off her central line and wiped the left side of her chest. Then she re-taped the loop. She looked at me. She looked so scared.

"I'm fine," she said, in response to nothing. It was just to reassure herself.

"I know," I picked her up and put her back down on her bed next to me. We sat on the end, my feet on the ground, hers dangling, my arm around her cold shoulder, and Andy just smiled.

"You are so damn fine," I smiled.

She had let me in.


	3. Coffee, please

**3. Coffee, please**

"**Meet Virginia"-Train**

I was working again. The Rack had been pretty slow, a few coffees, a cappuccino, some people reading in chairs. I was leaning on the counter, off in space when all of a sudden, Andy was there. Last night, after Andy had taken all of her medicine, I had taken her out to dinner. She told me all about her cancer, brain cancer, and everything. It was scary for me so I know it must've been scary as hell for Andy but she never showed it. She explained how she had had chemo and had gone into remission, meaning the cancer had left, and then she had a few extra rounds of chemo to finish killing any cancer that might've been hidden. Now she was home for a while until her body re-adjusted. Then she'd probably go back for more chemo. Her chances were 50/50. I don't think they took her being Andy in to account, though.

"Hey," she said, perkily.

"Hey," I whispered. I was startled.

Then, Andy leaned forward and kissed me. Not a peck, but a full on kiss.

"OnetwothreeIlikeyou," she rambled, and smiled.

She leaned back and opened her jacket, revealing her shirt. It said "Cancer Girl." She laughed.

"I like you, too."

"So, I was thinking, I'm going over there to play a game on the computer. When your shift ends, maybe we can go catch a movie or something?" she said.

"Um, yeah. Sounds good," I said. I guess I sounded as uncertain as I felt.

"…what? I mean, we don't have to… I can leave now…" she said, upset.

"No, Andy, stay. Please, stay. But… are you okay to?"

"Josh, ohmigod, we've been hanging out for a while now, and, incase you didn't know how cancer works, I've had it this whole time. And I was fine to do dumb stuff with you. So, movie?" she said. Then she yawned.

"Yeah, movie. Smoothie?"

"Yes, please. And a coffee." She said.

I got it, skeptically, because… I don't know anything about cancer but… caffeine… bad idea? Whatever, Andy can take care of herself, right?

I got her the drinks and she went to play G-force. I looked around The Rack; no one new was there, and nothing was really going on at all. I washed out some blenders, swept the floor, wiped the counter, and organized magazines. I had only passed 30 minutes. Shift lasted another 30. I observed one more time around the café, it was chill, my co-worker was behind the counter, and I walked over to Andy. In the past 5 minutes since I'd looked in her direction, she had fallen asleep. She had slumped over on her arms, her back rising and falling. I took the empty smoothie cup and half-empty coffee mug back behind the counter. I washed them out and turned back to her. She had repositioned herself but seemed fast asleep. I looked at the clock. 15 minutes left to shift. I decided I'd just clock out early, I wasn't needed around here. I put my apron on the hook and walked back to Andy.


	4. Let's just go for a drive

**4. Let's just go for a drive.**

"**Behind the Wheel"- Depeche Mode**

I logged her off the computer, then picked her up, draping her arms around my shoulders, tucking my arm behind her knees, my other behind her back. I lifted her up to carry her to my car. She was light, a skeleton swallowed in sweaters and skirts. I put her in the passenger seat, crossed over to the driver seat, and drove away. Andy lives 2 blocks from The Rack, and she woke up half way home with a jump, rigid, then relaxed when she saw the dice on my rearview mirror. She looked at me.

"What happened?" she asked, apparently afraid.

"You… fell asleep?" I had assumed.

"Oh, okay. So, are we going to the movie?" Andy asked, brushing aside she'd fallen asleep at 8:15.

"Maybe we shouldn't go. We can just watch a movie at my house, if you want, or hang out at your house, whatever you want…" I said.

"What I want is to go to the movies, Josh. C'mon, let's go, why not?"

"Well, Andy, you fell asleep when it had barely gotten dark. I haven't gone to sleep that early since I was, like, 3. Maybe you should just rest," I replied, nervously. It seems like a dangerous thing to disagree with Andy Jensen.

Andy sighed, and turned to look out the window. "Josh, I'm not a baby. I fell asleep, I was just bored. Stop trying to protect me. Let's go to the movies."

"Andy, I know you're not a baby. But I'm going to try and protect you. You expect me to ignore you have cancer, but I'm not going to. So here's what I'm saying: you're apparently tired, you're sick, it's getting late, let's go back to your house and just hang out."

"Josh, you're being ridiculous. We're going to a movie. Or we could go out to dinner. Or we could just go on a drive. A drive sounds safe, okay?" Andy yawned.

I sighed, "Alright, let's go on a drive. So, how was your morning?"

"Chill. I slept, beat a record on G-force, called Dan up and made kissy noises…" Andy trailed off.

"What?" I couldn't help panicking.

"Just testing, making sure you were listening. What'd you do?"

I started telling her about my morning. Maybe I was rambling, maybe it was really boring, but a minute later I looked over, and she was asleep again.


	5. Apparently, we're sleeping together

**5. Apparently we're sleeping together.**

"**Be Be Your Love"-Rachel Yamagata**

Who's shaking my shoulder? God, leave me alone…

"Josh?! What are you doing?!" Andy whisper yelled.

"Oh, I guess..." What were we doing? Andy was lying on her bed. And I was lying on her bed. We were lying on her bed together. "Well, apparently we're sleeping together."

"Josh, shut up. My moms are going to kill us."

"Andy, chill, what time is it?" I looked at the clock. It was 10:47. "You fell asleep in the car so I brought you home and your mom told me to just bring you up to your room and I could wait for you to wake up if I wanted to."

"So… you fell asleep on my bed?"

"And… you think I was going to pass up the chance to sleep in someone else's bed?" I said. This was ALMOST a normal Andy/Josh conversation.

"How could I be so foolish?" Andy smiled, leaning in closer to me, and kissed me. Again, longer. She rolled over so she was laying on top of me, her tiny frame putting pressure on my hips, my legs, my chest. I could feel her central line on my right shoulder, her cold hands on my cheek. She leaned back and smiled.

"I really like you a lot," she said. "Especially in my bed."

"Good, because this is where I like to be." I said.

We lied in Andy's bed, talking about nothing for an hour. My parents were out of town and Lori didn't care where I slept. Andy's mom brought us dinner. Around midnight, Andy started to yawn again.

"I'm not tired," she insisted.

"And I'm not an excellent kisser," I joked back.

"Exactly. And I'm not tired." And this is why I liked- maybe loved- her. She knew just what nerve to pull.

I pulled a blanket up from the bottom of the bed, and covered her thin legs. I pulled her down with me and we laid there on her bed. I smoothed her hair down.

"Let's just sleep," I whispered, taking her arm and sliding bracelets and rings off.

"Will you stay the night?" she whispered back.

"I'll stay where ever you are."

I kissed her on the cheek. A tear slid out of her eye, but I didn't ask why. She smiled and closed her eyes, burying her head into my neck. I laid my arm over her side, pulling her close, worrying over her until he breath was steady. Then I fell asleep, her hair under my nose, the smell of love enveloping me.


	6. New alien book

**6. New Alien Book**

"**Karpet King"-Fountains of Wayne**

"Hey! Anybody home?" as I let myself into the house.

"Hey, Josh. We're in here!" said Kyle from the kitchen. I walked in and he was sitting with his arm around Amanda on the stool; Lori was grabbing a drink from the refrigerator.

"Hey, stranger. You haven't been around so much," Lori said.

"I've been with Andy," I said. Maybe if I don't say too much, they won't be able to hear the cancer in my voice.

"And….?" Lori said, expecting something else.

"And… you look nice today?"

"What? No sarcastic remark? Kyle, you should start an alien-book for this one here, he's evolving," Lori said dramatically.

"Look, I'm not even staying long, I'm just taking a shower and changing while Andy's at the doctor and then I'm going back to her house," I explained.

"Wait, Josh, did you hear the good news?" Kyle interrupted.

"What news?" I asked.

"Tell him, Amanda," Kyle encouraged.

"It's nothing. I just got accepted to this school in NY. It'd be really great for piano, but I don't know…"

"No, she's going," Kyle said, smiling at her, "It's such an awesome chance." They have a budding romance. I wonder if that's how Andy and I look at each other.

"Congrats, Amanda," I said. "I'll be upstairs," I said to Lori.

I took the stairs, two at a time. I wanted to be waiting for Andy when she got home from the hospital. She was just getting and MRI so they could specify the next step in treatment.

I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, and, as I was getting dressed, I saw my suit hanging in my closet. I didn't wear it much, and when I did I always complained. But maybe it'd be nice to go to that new restaurant in town with Andy. Girls like that stuff. So I put on my normal jeans and a t-shirt but put the suit in my backseat. I got to Andy's house before them so I waited on the steps.


	7. Banana Bag

**7. Banana Bag**

"**She Will Be Loved"- Maroon 5**

Andy got home about 4 minutes after I got there. She looked kind of sad as she and her mom pulled into her driveway but when she saw me, she waved and smiled. I love that I make her feel that way.

She got out of the car and ran to me. "You're here!" she shouted.

"I told you I'd be. How was the MRI?" I questioned.

"We won't know until tomorrow. Let's go upstairs." She brushed off the MRI like nothing. I gave her mom a look, and she nodded. If only my mom let me have the opposite sex in my room. Maybe then I wouldn't be a virgin.

In her room, Andy started pouring medicines around. She loaded up syringes and injected them to her central line. Then she walked over to her closet and took out a tall pole. It had a loop on the top. In her closet was a mini fridge. Inside there were several oval shaped bags. She took one from the middle, full of something yellow, went through a drawer in her dresser and took out some tubes. She hung the yellow bag from the pole and connected the tubes to her central line. She looked at me apologetically.

"Banana bag. It's full of nutrients and stuff; it's to help counteract the negative side effects of chemo. Sorry," she said frowning.

"Why does that make you sorry?" I didn't get it at all.

"Well, now we can't do anything. We have to just sit here until this drains and it can take almost an hour."

"I don't care where we are, remember? Besides, my favorite place for us is your bed," I said, leaping onto her bed, patting the space next to me. Andy dragged her pole over next to me and sat down. She pulled on the back of my shirt until we were both lying down with our legs over the side of the bed. She turned her head to smile at me. Then she kissed me. And I liked it. A lot. In a minute though, Andy tolled to lie on top of me and she got twisted in the tubing. She rolled back over and sat up, burying her face in her hands.

"I hate this, Josh. I hate this. I'm sorry."

I pulled Andy to her feet and enclosed her in my arms. "Shh, you don't have to cry, Andy, don't cry," I repeated over and over.

Andy sobbed for almost 30 minutes until she pulled back. She smiled through her damp cheeks.

"What did I ever do without my knight in shining armor?"

"I have no idea. But I'm here now, so it doesn't matter," I said.

Andy squeezed the bag and judged, "This looks like about 15 more minutes. What do you feel like doing tonight?"

I went to Andy's closet and searched through. I found a lot of sweatshirts and long skirts but that wasn't what I was looking for. Finally I found it in the very back. There were 3 dresses. I looked at each and settled on a green one; I thought it'd match her honey hair.

"Does this fit?" I asked.

"It's a little big but it fits better than the other two. Why? You into woman's clothing?" she asked, jokingly.

"Yeah, that's it. I'm a trannie. But that's not to deal with tonight. How about you put it on?"

Andy's hand flew up to her chest, covering her central line. "That dress doesn't cover it," she said, ashamed.

I searched through the closet and found a gray sweater. It looked like it would actually match. Then I re-thought and reached back in, finding a blue and pink striped one. It didn't match at all.

"This seems your style," I offered.

Andy smiled, stood up, took the clothes, kissed me on the cheek, and went across the hall to the bathroom to change.

My hand brushed where her lips had touched. Then I went to the car to get my suit.


	8. Coke and spaghetti

and Spaghetti

"**100 years"- Five For Fighting**

Andy looked nice. She had picked 3 bracelets and big earrings, none of which matched. Her hair was down, wavy and long. Andy took pride in her hair and was so relieved that she got a particular chemo that didn't cause hair loss. She was sitting in the passenger seat, legs crossed Indian style. We weren't talking, just listening to music. Andy was tapping her hand on her knee. All of a sudden, she turned to me.

"Where are we going?" She asked. She hadn't asked me before she got in the car, she had trusted me- and I liked it.

"Does it matter?" I retorted.

"Well, if you're taking me to The Rack, your house, or anywhere where we'll know people dressed like this, I'd like to know," she said simply.

"Why?"

"So I can hit you. Hard," she said, but she was smiling.

"We've been sleeping together! And I'm astounded you'd hit someone you're sleeping with," -but truthfully? I just liked to say 'we're sleeping together'.

Andy sighed but gave up and went back to tapping. In a minute, we arrived at the restaurant. I had called and made reservations while I was outside getting my suit and we were just on time. Andy's jaw dropped.

"Josh… we can't… you brought me… this is expensive," she finally settled on.

"I work all the time and never spend my money. It's no big deal. Do you like it?" I asked. I was nervous. Most girls liked fancy dinners but Andy wasn't most girls. She was special.

"Josh, I love it. It's so romantic," she sighed. Good thing she liked romance because with the reservations I had asked that they place a rose on her plate. I had hoped it wouldn't be too gooey for her.

We got into the restaurant and it was really crowded. We looked out of place, me in my wrinkled suit and Andy wearing her not-matching outfit but we looked perfect to me. We were seated right away and there was the red rose on Andy's plate. When she saw it she squealed and grabbed at it. She inhaled from the petals and smiled. I love her smile.

"Josh, you have a heart! Who would've known?" she teased. "But what's all this for?"

"Well, you don't seem like the type that would sleep with someone before you'd date them. But we've been sleeping together for a few days so I thought us dating should become official. Andy, will you be my girlfriend?" I hoped that's how it was done. Was dating an unannounced thing? Or were you supposed to ask like this. Either way, Andy was amused.

"Well, your kissing skills are lacking… but I can deal with it," she laughed. "Just kidding, Josh. I'm your girlfriend."

I kissed her hand. She blushed. This was going perfect.

The waiter came with a pitcher of water and gave us menus. Andy's eyes widened at the prices.

"Pick anything," I reminded her.

When the waiter came back, we bother ordered sodas. When he came back with those, Andy ordered spaghetti. I love how standard Andy was. Coke and spaghetti. I like her.

"So, Andy, I have work early shift tomorrow, but if you come towards the end we can play G-force…" but then I began to realize Andy's snow-white complexion turning to a ghost-white.

"Andy, are you okay?" I ask, trying to be calm.

"Josh… something's wro-…" Andy trailed off.

Andy fell off her chair, onto the floor, limp.

From behind me, I could hear someone yell "Call 911!" and someone else "Get a cold cloth!" -but my main focus is Andy's heart. My ear is to her chest, I can feel her central line through her sweater, and I heard her heart beat.

Stay with me, Andy.


	9. Cancer's Master Plan

**9.Cancer's Master Plan**

"**Speed of Sound"- Coldplay**

The waiting room was cold. It had 37 plastic chairs, 5 end tables (each with an average of 13 magazines on them), 153 ceiling tiles, and at the time, 6 people. One of them was me. Two of them were Andy's moms. The other three were sitting in the corner, holding flowers, whispering. Maybe they had the secret master plan on cancer.

"Josh, it was very nice of you to ride with her in the ambulance," Andy's mom monotones.

"Yes, Josh, very nice," the other whispered.

I didn't answer. I just looked at the floor and kept my eyes closed.

"Mrs. Jensen, Mrs. Jensen," a doctor stood looming over us.

"Dr. Hooper!" Andy's mom shouted. "What…. is… she… is it the cancer?" as she tears up.

"We think it was an overdose," Dr. Hooper said. My jaw dropped. Andy wasn't suicidal.

When Dr. Hooper saw my face, he rushed in to say, "Accidental overdose. We think they pharmacy may have given her the wrong dosage on her newest oral chemo," apologetically.

I looked away, unable to look at his stone cold face anymore. His emotions seemed shut down; he'd done this so many times before. I think he's announced sadder things in this waiting room.

Andy's mothers sighed and looked relieved.

"When can she come home?" one mother asked casually.

"Well, we gave her charcoal to counteract the overdose so we'll have to restart all of her other meds, but by tomorrow afternoon she should be ready to come home. She'll have to take it easy, though, she'll have restarted chemo and will be very fragile."

Andy's mothers sighed and sat back down. They searched the coffee tables and found magazines they could read.

"Are you… going to go… see her?" I asked.

"Oh, Josh, you've waited so kindly for her. We're always the ones to come to her rescue. How about you go this time? If you want to stay the night they'll pull a cot in for you, just ask. We'll just wait for a write up and we'll head home. Give Andy our love," Mrs. Jensen said. It wasn't in a careless way; it was in a thoughtful way. She really thought I would be best for Andy. And I loved that.

I walked down the hall to the left, were I'd seen Dr. Hooper come from. I had heard room 662 somewhere. There it was, fourth door on the left. I knocked, nervously. How do you enter a hospital room?

"Come in, Mom," Andy said sadly.

"Oh, actually…" I said as I twisted the handle. I looked into the room, it was bare. On the bed, in a hospital gown, lying thin and pale was Andy. She looked tired. She was hooked from her central line, an IV, and pads attached to her heart. There was a television hanging in the corner, a dresser, a mirror, and a bathroom.

"It's me."


	10. Crummy Hospital Cot

**10. Crummy Hospital Cot**

"**Good Riddance"- Green Day**

"Josh!" Andy screamed, sitting up quickly. As soon as she did, though, she grabbed her head, and fell back.

"Andy?! What's wrong?!" I yelled, running to stand next to her.

"I just got dizzy is all. They gave me charcoal to counteract the overdose but it ended up counteracting all the medicine in my system so they're pumping me full of a ton of stuff; it's just overload. So what exactly happened?" she asked.

"We had just ordered food at the restaurant and you fainted. People were going nuts, calling ambulances. Medics were there in a minute and I tried to explain to them about the cancer and the medicine but I couldn't remember it all so they just put you in the ambulance and I rode with you and your mom's were here but they left, said to give you their love," I was rambling. "I'm sorry, I should've remembered the medicine names, I'm so sorry," I apologized.

"Josh, no, I don't even remember the names of all my medicines, don't be sorry," Andy said, putting her hand on top of mine.

"I was so scared for you…" I trailed off. I have to be strong for us, I reminded myself. Be strong, Josh, be strong.

"Josh, look, I'm fine. Chill out. I don't know how you could think this is your fault at all," Andy sighed.

"Let's just forget it. Do you mind if I stay the night with you?" I asked.

"I'd be hurt if you didn't," Andy smiled, leaning forward and kissing me. Then she slowly laid back again. "So we didn't get dinner, then. No wonder I'm starving," Andy said. "The cafeteria's downstairs, if you want something to eat, "Andy offered.

"Alright, do you want something?" I asked.

"Hmm… ice cream?" Andy asked.

"Sure, ice cream," I smiled.

I went out into the hall, back the other direction towards the elevators. On my way there, Dr. Hooper stopped me.

"Andy's mothers say you're her boyfriend… Josh, right?" Dr. Hooper said, extending his hand.

"Yes, I am," I said quizzically, shaking it.

"I know it's not your job to watch Andy but her mothers say you spend the most time with her. I don't want to ruin your time with her, but teenagers under the same condition as Andy tend to break rules, things that could seriously damage their health. Maybe it's a mental tactic to get more attention, maybe it's to rebel, we don't know, but it happens often," Dr. Hooper said quietly.

"Alright, what can I do to help?" I stated.

"Well, with Andy's particular situation, taking into account medicines and severity of the cancer, she is on quite a few restrictions. It'd be best if she avoided caffeine. Also, I know you teenagers like to drink, but it could cause serious problems for Andy, same with drugs. Also, she shouldn't get too excited, it could cause her medicines to effect her lung function."

I was silent. The other day, with the coffee, I should've known. I handed it right to her.

"I know it's not your duty to control her, and I imagine she's hard to control anyway…" Dr. Hooper started.

"Don't worry about it, I've got it under control," I said. "Thanks."

I turned back towards the elevator and went to the cafeteria. I got us ice cream, waited in line, paid, and got back up to Andy's room all without really paying attention. I figured it was best to not confront Andy with this now, maybe another time.

Back in the room, Andy was beaming, a cot next to her hospital bed. Each time I saw her, she seemed paler and thinner.

"Look! This one's for you!" Andy said, excited. She seemed like a child, so excited over this little thing, a crummy hospital cot.

I decided it'd be best to discuss the coffee tomorrow.


	11. Go get help

**11. Go get help.**

"**How To Save A Life"- The Fray**

"My head hurts," Andy explains to the nurse. We had eaten the ice cream and watched TV when a nurse came in to adjust her medicine.

"It's probably just that you are getting so many medicines, don't worry," the nurse said kindly.

But I worried. I was worried that she had fainted; I was worried that she had gotten dizzy; I was worried that she had ordered coffee, and I was worried her head hurt. But the answer seemed good enough for Andy.

"Okay," Andy sighed. She yawned. We'd been through this before. I was going to try a different approach.

"Andy, I'm getting kind of tired, I think I'm going to go to sleep," I said.

"Yeah, I guess I'm kind of tired," Andy said. She closed her eyes, "And you'll be here when I wake up," she whispered.

I smoothed her hair back. "I'll be right here," I confirmed.

I lied down on my cot, but I couldn't sleep. I had too much to think about. Minutes passed, then hours. All of a sudden, I heard a sniffle. I turned to Andy who was crying in her sleep. All of a sudden, she began to moan, softly, then loudly. He eyes opened slowly and she began to whimper.

"Josh… help… go get help…" she whispered.


	12. Ativan, stat

**12. Ativan, stat.**

"**I'll Stand By You"- Pretenders**

"NURSE, NURSE!" I yelled, running into the hall. I looked both way, and ran towards the floor desk. "COME HERE, NOW, ANDY, ROOM 662, SHE NEEDS HELP," I yelled. All of a sudden, 5 nurses came running, right for Andy's room. Another one got on the phone and paged to the floor, "Dr. Hooper, Dr. Hooper, A.J. room 662, stat, Dr. Hooper."

I ran back into Andy's room where she was screaming.

"Help me, help me, help me," Andy cried, tears streaming out of her eyes. She saw me, "Josh, it hurts so bad," she whispered.

Dr. Hooper rushed in.

A nurse quickly said, "Heart beat level, chemo round 1-3 finished."

Another said, "Her head hurts."

Dr. Hooper got out his stethoscope and put it to Andy's chest. He checked the label on the bag hanging to her central line. He used his light to check into Andy's eyes. Andy looked at me, the tears still falling, with fear built up in her eyes.

"When was her last MRI?" Dr. Hooper questioned, seriously.

"Yesterday!" I blurted out.

Dr. Hooper turned to a nurse. "Call down to radiology, put a rush on her screens," he ordered. He turned to another nurse, "3 mg ativan, stat."

One nurse turned to a cart and pulled out a syringe, the other un-hooking her central line. The nurse with the syringe injected it.

"Josh, don't leave…" Andy trailed off as she fell back to sleep.

"Just what happened?" Dr. Hooper asked me.

"What did you just give her?!" I whisper-yelled.

"It's a muscle relaxant; it'll help with the pain. She's fine. What happened?" Dr. Hooper said, grabbing my shoulder.

"She started whining, then crying, then I came back and she was screaming," I tried to explain.

Dr. Hooper turned to a nurse, "Have them prep an OR and see what surgeons are on board." As he said that, one of the nurses ran back in, holding a large folder. "Give them to me," Dr. Hooper ordered. He took out the film of the MRI and put it onto the light board. His eyes widened, "Prep Andy for surgery!" Dr. Hooper rushed.

"What… what's happening?" I said, a single tear sliding down my cheek.

"Andy needs surgery; the tumor's pushing her brain. She's going to be fine," as 3 nurses wheeled Andy's bed out of the room.

I know I shouldn't have felt it, but it felt like I was losing her.


	13. Just tearing up

**13.Just Tearing Up**

"**Don't Wanna Miss A Thing"-Aerosmith**

Andy was in surgery for 13 hours. After she went into surgery, Dr. Hooper stayed in the room with me. He was serious, searching all over the MRI screen. Finally, he turned to me.

"The tumor on Andy's brain is not responding to chemo like we planned. It has grown, not too significantly, but enough to cause more problems. It looks like we should be able to remove the entire thing. The bad news is that Andy won't be going home too soon. After this, we'll probably follow through with a round of intense chemo to knock out any more cancer-causing cells. Hopefully, this will be the end of the cancer. The chemo should only take 8 days, but it could take another 20 for her white blood cells -the ones that fight off everyday infections- to return. Leaving the hospital and going into a non-sterile environment could prove very dangerous during that time."

"Can I be in here with her during that time?" I asked.

"If you show any signs of illness, you'll have to stay out for 24 hours. Other than that, you should be okay," Dr. Hooper reasoned.

I had a flashback to that first time I walked into Andy's rooms, just days ago. On her dresser were all the medicines and the box of surgical masks. They tried this before. Apparently it hadn't worked.

"Can I wait in here for her?" I asked.

"Of course. I'll leave you alone, now."

I called my mom and explained everything to her. I had lied before, saying I was sleeping at Andy's house. I told her about the cancer and what had just happened. I told her I wanted to stay there, at least for a few days. She thought it was a good idea and told me she'd bring me some clothes and my tooth brush. She showed up about half an hour later with that and spaghetti. It was the middle of the night.

"Thanks, mom," I yawned.

"You know, Josh, it'd be okay if you went back to sleep, she won't be out for a while," she said, furrowing her brow.

"I will in a little while," I said, eyeing the spaghetti. "Thanks for coming so late, mom," I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

She left, reluctantly, reminding me to get more sleep. I walked her to the elevator then practically ran back to the room where I inhaled almost half the spaghetti. Then I lied back on the cot and let everything that just happened hit me. I wasn't crying, just tearing up, I guess. And then all of a sudden, I was a sleep.

When I woke back up, Andy was being wheeled back into the room. They repositioned her bed and re-hooked all her tubes and monitors. The steady beeping started up again.

I watched Andy for what must've been almost an hour. They had shaved a patch of her hair on the left side and she had about 30 stitches. I smoothed her hair, kissed her cheeks, held her hand, and waited for her to wake up. Then, Andy turned her head to look at me.

"Josh…" she smiled. Then she went back to sleep. I think we're in for the long haul.


	14. I ask again, coffee, please?

**14. I ask again, coffee please?**

"**Bad Day"- Fuel**

Andy slept another 3 hours before she woke up again.

"What's going on?" she asked, looking around.

"Well, you got out of surgery a little while ago; they successfully removed the entire tumor. Right now you're hooked up to a few things, one of them being pain, one of them being a chemo treatment," I said quietly, jumping up to take her hand.

"What… this wasn't the plan… I had at least another month at home..." Andy said, upset.

"The tumor grew faster than expected," I said, apologetically. "You'll be here about a month."

Andy's eyes widened, her mouth dropped, and she turned onto her side, facing away from me. Her body began to shake and I heard her sobbing.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm acting like a big baby."

"No you aren't. You're acting normal," I reassured.

"Are you going to stay here?" she asked.

"The whole month if I can," I said, walking around to the other side of her bed. I straightened the tubes out from under her arms. I wiped the tears off of her cheeks and kissed her lightly.

"I'm thirsty," Andy whispered, sounding defeated. "Can you get me a drink?" she said with the smallest voice I'd ever heard.

"Of course. What do you want?"

"A coffee," she whispered.

In my head I could hear Dr. Hooper's words- "It'd be best if she avoided caffeine."

"Maybe I can get you something else, Andy… like a smoothie, how does that sound?" I tried.

"I really want a coffee," Andy whispered.

"Andy, that's not a good idea…" I said.

"I just really want it…" Andy said tearing up.

Why was she doing this? What was this about?

"I'm not going to get you a coffee, Andy, I'm sorry," I said, feeling like the worst guy in the whole world.

Andy turned over to face the other way.

"Forget it," she said. "Forget it."


	15. She's upset

**15.She's upset.**

"**Bad Day"- Daniel Power**

I tried to convince Andy to get something else, but she refused. And I knew I shouldn't get mad at her but I just didn't get it. She knew she shouldn't have too much caffeine yet she was getting upset over coffee. I decided I was going to have to call in re-enforcements.

20 minutes later, I was in the waiting room when Kyle got off the elevator.

"Hey," Kyle said.

"Hey, Kyle, thanks for coming," I said sincerely.

"No problem. How's Andy?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"It's just…," how was Andy? I didn't know; I knew she was bad but how else? "She's upset."

"Why?" Kyle said, wheels already turning in his head.

"I wouldn't buy her coffee," I said.

Apparently that wasn't enough, even for a Kyle-level brain, so I explained it all. I started back at the beginning when Andy told me about the cancer, and the coffee at The Rack and falling asleep in my car and my talk with Dr. Hooper. I ended with how Andy told me to forget it.

"And I just don't get why she's so upset. It's just a coffee," I said, helplessly.

"To us it's just a coffee but all Andy has is what you give her. Imagine if you were here. She's done all this before, the same routine and it didn't work. Why would she have hope this time around? Everything's working against her, except you. You're there for her, sleeping right next to her, holding her hand but now even you are working against her. She's not getting anything she wants," Kyle explained to me.

"But why would she even want a coffee in the first place? That's so dumb," I said as if it was obvious.

"Maybe she just wants control over something. Andy has control over NOTHING except what she eats and drinks, and barely that."

I thought for a while. It didn't make sense 100 but neither did cancer. Kyle's always good to have handy.

"Thanks, Kyle. Want to go to the cafeteria?" I asked, needing just a little break.

"Sure, c'mon," he said.

Kyle and I were in the cafeteria for about 30 minutes. It really helped me clear my mind and I was ready to take on Andy. I even brought her up a little present.

I knocked at her door and then let myself in. The TV was on but Andy was just staring at the wall, straight ahead, glassy eyed.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," she squeaked.

"I got you a coffee…. Decaf, that is," I said handing her the cup.

Andy looked up at me, her eyes a mix of hurt and thankful.

"Andy, I'm not going to say I'm sorry we fought, but I'm sorry it hurt your feelings. I understand this is so hard for you and that it just seems like everything's working against you but I'm not. I'm working for you. And I'm not going to let your hurt yourself like this."  
"I… um… I'm…" Andy said, trying to find the right words. Instead, she swung her legs over the side of her bed and wobbly took a few steps towards me. Then she fell forward into my arms, tubes stretched behind her. I caught her and held her.  
"I won't let go," I whispered, kissing the top of her head.  
"Don't let go…" Andy trailed off.


	16. Come back

**16. Come back.**

Andy and I talked for a long time. She explained how she had no control. She felt hopeless; if the cancer was going to kill her anyway, why not help it along?

"It isn't hopeless, though, Andy. You're going to get better this time. I'm going to help you get better," I said, smoothing her hair back. Andy got up and pushed me into the recliner chair in the corner. She sat on my lap, curled in a ball, tucking her head under my neck. For now, she was only attached to her central line and the tube reached, but only barely.

"Mmm, you're going to help me," she said, inhaling deeply.

"And you're going to help me help you, right? No more coffee…" I said, hoping for agreement.

"Yeah… no more coffee," she said, her eyes closed.

"And there's hope," I said, to reassure myself more than anything.

"You give me hope," Andy said, taking a deep breath.

Andy sat with me until a nurse came in and told her she had to get back in her bed. As I helped her, I felt a sneeze coming. I tried to stop myself, but there it was. You could hear it, clear, right through my mask.

Andy's mouth dropped, fear coming into her eyes. I saw the tears welling up. The nurse looked up, astonished. She hurriedly finished connecting everything and took me by the arm.

"Excuse us, Andy," the nurse said, quietly.

"No, he's fine, he can stay. Why are you taking him? Come back, Josh," she yelled. "Come back," she said, in a whisper this time.

"I'll be back, Andy. Be brave," I said, before disappearing out of the room.


	17. Raindrop tears

**17.Raindrop Tears**

"**Bruised"-Jacks Mannequin**

"I'm sorry, Josh. I know you're probably fine, it was probably just dust. But we can't risk. The tiniest infection could kill her," the nurse explained, rushing me down the hall to the floor station. She opened a drawer and pulled out a thermometer, sticking it under my tongue. "Keep your mouth closed."

It all happened really fast. It was an all of a sudden thing. One thing I'm sneezing, the next I'm standing in the middle of a nurse-circle with a thermometer in my mouth. It beeped. All the nurses leaned in to see the screen. Their faces dropped, a group gasp escaped. Andy's nurse turned it towards me.

101.2

I turned my head back to Andy's room. She was standing in the door way, leaning against the frame. I tried to give her a smile but she knew. She sat down, right there, in the doorway. She brought her knees up to her chest and buried her face in her hands.

"Can I…" I said, not really expecting much.

"I'm sorry," the nurse said, her eyes apologetic over her surgical mask. "The risk is already there but we don't want to make it worse. We're going to have to ask you to leave the floor immediately."

"When can I come back?" I said, not taking my eyes off of Andy.

"After you've been symptom free for 24 hours. We'll send a nurse in to get all of your stuff for you. Do you have a message for Andy?" she asked, sensitively.

"Just… tell her to be brave and that I'll be back and that there's hope and that there's no coffee," I said, pausing, before remembering, "oh! And tell her 1-2-3."

"… 1-2-3?" a nurse asked, cautiously.

"She'll get it. It's important, don't forget that part," I explained.

"Alright, Josh. You can wait in the floor lobby, we'll bring your stuff to you."

I went and sat in the room with 37 chairs. I didn't think, I didn't look, I didn't even know. Then my stuff was being handed to me.

"She says she'll miss you. And 1-2-3," she whispered. "We'll miss you, too, the nurses. You are really good to her," she said, shooting me another apologetic look. "Call when you're coming back, we'll put the cot back for you."

I nodded, got up, and glided to the elevator. All of a sudden, I was downstairs and out the door. Then I remembered that I didn't know where my car was parked. It had gotten left at the restaurant that night and Kyle had brought it over and left it in the lot for me. But I didn't know where. I looked up at the building, finding Andy's window. She was sitting on the ledge, her palm pressed to the glass. I think I could see tears, like raindrops. I really didn't want to go home right now. I looked both ways and decided to go to the left. I started to walk. I didn't know where, it didn't matter. Either way was going to lead me away from Andy.


	18. Just sleep

**18. Just Sleep**

"**A Thousand Miles"- Vanessa Carlton**

I ended up at The Rack. I ordered a coffee and sat in a chair in the back. My phone rang but I ignored it. Then it rang again. I checked the caller ID. Kyle.

"Hello," I said.

"Hey," Kyle said. "What's up?"

"I have a fever," I said.

"So you can't be in the hospital on the same floor as the immuno-compromised patients which happens to be the floor where Andy is. So where are you now?" Kyle said with the same tone of voice as the nurses.

"The Rack," I said simply.

"Can I come?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah, do. Can you bring the car from the hospital?" I asked.

"You walked from the hospital to The Rack? Josh, that's ridiculous, it's almost 6 miles," Kyle said, concerned.

"I had time to kill," I whispered.

"I'll be there in 30 minutes," he said, understanding completely.

I closed my phone and looked around. It was the middle of the day, and, therefore, low-key. Some people were on the computers, but there were some open. I considered G-force, but that was an Andy and me thing. It wasn't meant to be alone. So I looked into my coffee cup for a while. I thought only minutes had passed, but then Kyle was there.

"Josh, you don't look good…" Kyle said, putting his hand on my forehead.

"Chill out Kyle, I'm fine," I told him.

"Josh, you're on fire. C'mon, let's go home."

"No," I said. Then I re-thought, "Yes. You drive," I said, getting up to walk to the car. All of a sudden, I felt it. I was on fire.

Then I was in the car. All of a sudden, I was in the house. After that, on the couch, a thermometer in my mouth. It beeped.

"Josh, 103!" my mom exclaimed.

"I'm fine," I said. The fuzz seemed to be clearing from my head.

Lori handed my mom a rag and she pressed it to my head. It felt like ice- I thought I could hear it sizzle.

"No, you're not. You're really sick. You just lay here," she said, turning around to the coffee table. She took a bottle and poured out 2 pills and handed me them with a glass of water. "Tylenol. You should feel better soon, honey," she said, smoothing my hair back. I felt like Andy. Then I remembered.

"Andy! Mom, I made her sick," I explained, worried.

"Josh, she just called you about 10 minutes ago, don't you remember? She's fine. She wants you to call back when you feel better," she said, concern in her eyes. I didn't remember.

"Oh… yeah… okay. Sure. I'm just going to go to sleep now," I said, sleepiness washing over me.

"Just sleep," my mom said. "Just sleep."


	19. One of those cancer things

**19. One Of Those Cancer Things**

I slept for a long time. Kyle says it was 17 hours. When I woke up, my fever was down to 101. I felt better, I actually knew what was going on. Kyle was sitting on the table, handing me a glass of orange juice. I took it, my stomach upset but my mouth dry.

"Andy called," Kyle said. "4 times. She's really worried about you," handing me my phone and taking the glass back.

I dialed Andy's cell. It rang 3 times. Andy always picked up on the second ring. I was going to hang up when I heard her on the other side.

"Hello?" she said, breathlessly.

"Running the mile?" I joked. I joked? Andy and I didn't joke anymore. We whispered.

"JOSH!" I could almost hear her jump.

"ANDY!" I replied. Joke, again. Maybe we joke when we're on level playing fields. I should be sick all the time.

"Josh, I was so worried," Andy said, taking a deep breath. "The nurse said it was only a fever but your mom said you were delirious. I was so worried," Andy rushed; I could hear her clenching her phone in her fist.

"It was nothing. I was just tired. I feel great now," I lied. I feel hot, I feel tired, and I feel fuzzy. But Andy doesn't need to know that.

"No… Josh… you're pulling a pre-knight-in-shining-armor-Andy. What happened?" The human lie detector. It's one of those cancer things.

"I had a fever of 101 at the hospital. Then I walked to the Rack. Then Kyle took me home where my fever was 103. Then I slept for something like 17 hours. But now I feel good," I explained, feeling like a complete baby.

"What's your temperature now?" Andy quizzed.

"I'm not sure. Probably fine," I said.

"Take it, now," Andy said.

"I'm fine," I tried to explain.

"Do it," she demanded. I pointed to the thermometer on the coffee table and Kyle turned around and got it for me. I stuck it in my mouth, humming until it beeped.

"100.9," I told Andy.

"Josh! You're actually sick! I wish I could bring you ice cream or something…" Andy trailed off.

"I think you're a bit more sick than me," I laughed, imagining the pale, thin Andy sitting up in her hospital bed, nurses around her, the steady beeping in the background, a worried expression on her face.

"I'm fine," Andy laughed. "I'm actually off of chemo for now. I'll get some more later but then I'm done," Andy offered her piece of good news.

"This is early… are they sure? Would it hurt to just finish up the 8 days?" I asked, nervous to risk it.

"It's okay, I'm ready to end it," she said. That was another cancer thing. She knew how sick she was. "My mom's dropped off my lap top this morning," she said, excited. They hadn't brought it earlier. It was to help avoid over-excitement. This was a big step.

"So you're back to beating all high scores?" I implied.

"Yep. Can you get on?" she asked, wide-awake.

"Um," I thought, sitting up. All of a sudden my head began to swim and I lied back down. "Lori's borrowing my computer," I fibbed.

"Are you okay?" Andy asked, concerned.

"Yeah. Fine," then it hit me. "Why are you so okay? You shouldn't be so awake. You said you're still on chemo. So you should be exhausted, which you're not," I rationalized. I could hear her formulating an excuse.

"ANDY! I've been gone a day and you're drinking coffee. Why, Andy, why?" I asked, stupefied by her stupidity.

"I was tired and Carolyn's mom offered to get me something from the cafeteria," she tried to explain.

"Andy, we agreed, no more caffeine. Why are you doing this?" I pleaded.

"I'm sorry. I was just upset…" she said, clearly distressed. Caffeine for her is like cocaine for an addict. It pulled her up when she was down.

"I won't anymore," she said, simply. "When will Lori be done with your computer?" she said, trying to change the subject.

"Andy, really, you can't do this anymore," I told her, trying to get through to her. "It's really danger-," I started but then I got really hot again. I felt like I was melting. "MOM!"


	20. MedicHope

**20. MedicHope**

I felt like I'd been run over with a truck. I opened one eye, then the other. I was in a room like Andy's, empty, blank, beeping. My mom was in the chair, reading.

"Mom," I whispered.

"Josh! Oh, Josh, are you okay?" she said, putting her hand to my forehead.

"Yeah. Why am I here?" Last I remember I was on the phone with Andy.

"Your fever spiked at 105.4. We rushed you down here, they admitted you. They decided it's just an infection," she explained, pushing my hair back.

I looked down at my arms. I had an IV.

"Just fluids," my mom said.

"How's Andy?" I asked. My mom sighed.

"Josh, you can stop worrying about her for five minutes and watch out for yourself, okay? You're fever was down to 99 about 30 minutes ago but I'll call a nurse in to check it again. Just lay here," she ordered, calmly and concerned.

She walked out into the hall and went to the right. I looked around. I was wearing one of those dumb hospital gowns. On my side table, I saw my phone. Hoping my mom wouldn't be pissed, I picked it up and dialed.

2 rings. I heard it pick up on the other end.

"Andy!" I couldn't help but yell.

"Josh! I've been on pins and needles. Why haven't you called me back! You just hung up on me and that was almost 6 hours ago. What happened?" she said, with no breaths. 6 hours? Long time.

"I just got a fever again," I tried to minimize it, avoiding her worrying.

"What kind of fever? Like, a 98.7? or a 106?" she questioned.

"105.4," I sighed.

"OHMYGOD, JOSH!" Andy said. "And your parents didn't rush you to the emergency room?"

"Actually," I said, my mom coming back into the room, "I'm in a hospital room right now. We're wearing the same dress," I joked, my mother not amused. She took the phone out of my hand.

"Hello? Oh, hey, Andy. I'll put him back on the phone in a minute," she started, shoving the thermometer under my tongue, "after we get his temperature again…. Well, he only just woke up…. 6 hours! I know. They say it's just a infection but I'm not sure…. yes, we are at MedicHope hospital…" the thermometer beeping. She hummed, "Yes, it's at 98.9…. well, they already have him on fluids… no, they didn't… hah, um, I guess, she's right here," my mom said, laughing. She turned to the nurse fooling with my IV bags and handed her the phone.

"Um… yes?... okay…." She turned the bag and checked the label," no, 50 mg… I can ask… oh, yes, that'll be no problem…. I don't think so, he still has a slight fever…. You know we can't risk something like that…. Ok, I will tell them," the nurse said, handing the phone back to me.

"You should feel better soon," Andy said, a smile in her voice.

"What'd you say to her?" I demanded.

"Medical jargon, would you even understand?" she laughed.

"Okay, okay. So do you feel alright?" I asked.

"I feel great, never better. I feel…" she paused, "cancer free." I could feel her sitting on my lap to have a cry. I could feel her hot tears piercing my shirt. I could feel her overwhelming happiness.

"I think I feel it, too," I whispered. "I can feel it, too."


	21. The Cancer Life

**21. The Cancer Life**

Andy was 3 floors above me. I was on pediatrics. In between us were operating rooms, ICU, and cardiology/radiology. She was on oncology. It didn't really make a difference, though. I couldn't see her while I was sick. Or so I thought.

After I had talked to Andy this afternoon, I had my fluids changed. I didn't really get the difference. It was saturation something sugar something milligrams something. I did feel the difference, though. About an hour after the change, I felt completely fine and I had the fever to match. My mom then produced my laptop from her bag and said she was going to the cafeteria. I loaded up g-force and had only played for about half an hour when there was a knock on the door.

"Come in, Mom," I said.

"Actually," Andy said, her masked face showing around the door. Her hair was thin like her body, her skin ghastly, her smile in her eyes. "It's me. That is, to quote you," she laughed.

"Andy!" I screamed, sitting up, knocking my lap top to the bottom of my bed.

"Put this on," she interrupted, tossing a mask onto my bed. I quickly snapped it on. "Now sit in the chair," she said, pointing to the recliner in the corner. I got up, pulling my IV poll over to the chair. Then Andy wheeled hers into the room, shut the door and sat on the floor, the corner opposite mine. "We're not supposed to share air," she explained.

"Do your doctors know you're here? Is this okay?" I asked, worried.

"Well, I asked the nurse on staff. She told me that it was risky but no one would be coming to check on me for about 45 minutes, just so I knew. But that was about 15 minutes ago and it'll take another 15 minutes to get back, so we'll make this short."

It wasn't until then that I took everything else in. For one, I remembered I was wearing a dress, the same blue one as Andy in fact. I also realized Andy had a plastic bag in her hand. Andy realized me realizing.

"We're twins," she offered, putting her hand to her head. She pulled it away and with it, a clump of hair. She frowned, "This new chemo causes hair loss. I'd been lucky up to now to avoid it, but I guess I was going to get it at some point." She looked away, then panicked, "I'll still have a little hair, though. The chemo's done so it should stop falling out soon. I won't be bald," she rushed.

"Andy, you could have no head at all and it wouldn't make a difference to me," I reminded her. She smiled. "What's in the bag?" I asked.

"I told you I wanted to bring you ice cream," she said.

She opened the bag and pulled out a carton of ice cream and rolled it across the floor to me. I picked it up. Coffee. My favorite flavor. I looked up at her. She had pulled out another carton.

"Vanilla for me, coffee for those allowed to have it," she said as if it was routine. Now I smiled. She threw me a spoon and we started to eat.

"So how long have you not had a fever?" she asked.

"About half an hour, thanks to you," I replied, swallowing a mouthful of ice cream.

"Only 23 and a half hours until you're back, then," Andy responded. "And now we can even play G-force. And in about 2 weeks, I'll even be able to go to the cafeteria. And in 3 weeks, I'll be home," she said.

"And then you can wear some normal clothes," I said, sick of seeing Andy out of her normal skirt and sweater.

"Oh yeah! I completely forgot," Andy said, reaching into the plastic bag. She pulled out a hat, some bracelets, and some necklaces.

"Perfect," I laughed.

"So big drama on oncology ward," Andy started as she put on the jewelry, "Carolyn started another round of chemo yesterday and so she has to stay in her room and is supposed to be alone but Ryan walked in yesterday anyway to talk to her until Nurse Fay came in and told him to leave and he wouldn't and now Carolyn has a cold."

"Good Lord, is Carolyn okay?" I asked. Carolyn was Andy's friend in the next room over. Ryan had only gotten here 3 days ago and this was his initial diagnosis. Carolyn took it upon herself to help Ryan adjust to the "cancer life" (as the floor so affectionately called it).

"Yeah, it had been her first day on the chemo so she should be fine," Andy shrugged. She took another spoonful of ice cream, "You know, it's really lucky you sneezed when you did. Can you imagine if I'd gotten your infection?"

I hadn't thought of it, but I could've killed Andy. "I can't imagine, actually."

"Well, I can, and I imagine it badly," she said, un-phased.

I watched her eat the ice cream, spoonful after spoonful. She hadn't eaten as much as me, but she'd eaten. She had a fistful of hair next to her on the ground and her central line had a tube connected to a cloudy bag. She was still pale and thin but her eyes were awake. Her body was on the brink of death but her eyes weren't giving up yet.

"You're going to get better," I whispered.

"What?" Andy said, her mouth full.

"Nothing," I said. She yawned. "Hey, you'd better get back to your room," I said, glancing at the clock. "You want to give yourself enough time so you don't have to walk too fast."

"Yeah," Andy said, closing her ice cream and putting it back in the bag. She grabbed her poll with one hand and pushed off the wall with the other. She had a hard time getting up.

"Hold on," I said, taking a big breath of air. Then I got up and grabbed my poll, pulling myself towards her. I put my hands under her arms and picked her up, placing her on her feet. I wrapped my arms around her, taking a deep breath, inhaling her scent- enough to hold me over 23 and a half more hours. Then I quickly walked back to the other corner of the room where I gasped for air. My lungs burned.

"Thanks," Andy said, laughing. She opened the door and shuffled out into the hall way. I walked into the doorway and watched her walking away, slowly but steady. She was halfway down the hall way before I got nervous.

"Andy, wait!" I yelled. "Call me when you get back to your room," I said.

"Sure thing," Andy replied.

I needed to know she was okay.

She got to the end of the hall way where the elevator doors opened, letting off my mom. Andy got on, turned around, and waved as the door shut on her.

All I ever needed was to know she was okay.


	22. Save my mental health

**22. Save My Mental Health**

30 minutes later, Andy still hadn't called. My mom said she was probably too busy being yelled at for coming to see me in the first place. I didn't buy that, though. Something was wrong.

"Mom, can you please just go check on her?" I begged.

"Josh, what if I go up there and end up making it worse for her? And I've been breathing your infected air. This is not a good idea," she told me gently.

I leaned over to the bedside table and grabbed my mask, handing it to her. "Put this on. C'mon, please?" I begged.

She sighed, taking the mask and standing up, setting her book aside. "Fine. But you stay here in this room until I get back," she warned.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I grumbled, leaning down to the bottom of my bed, picking back up my laptop. I opened up a window for G-force and my mom left the room. I was playing for about 15 minutes when my mom walked back into the room.

"Andy's fine," she started, "but she passed out on her way up to her room. She's fine now, they think it was just over exertion."

"She walked from her room to mine and back, how is that over exertion?" I asked, confused, scared, and worried.

"She's very weak, Josh. She just finished chemo; her body is still trying to deal. This was the first time she'd gotten out of her bed in over 24 hours."

I leaned over to get my phone but my mom stopped me.

"She's sleeping now. The nurse said she'll have her call you when she gets up," she explained. "You should be sleeping, too, you know. The more the sleep the faster you'll get better."

"I'm not tired, I've slept most of the past 24 hours, and I'm already better," I said, distracted.

"You're better when they say your better and they won't say your better until you're 24-hour fever free," she said, taking my laptop off my bed.

"When I'm 24-hour fever free I'm going upstairs to see A-" I started.

"You'll be going home to rest some more. That's where," she interrupted.

"Andy," I finished. "I'll be going to see Andy," I demanded more than said.

"Josh, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of Andy," my mom reminded me.

"By taking care of Andy, I'm taking care of my mental health," I tried to explain.

"What do you mean by that?" my mom asked, going in to full-on therapist mode.

"Nothing, no one. I'm going to sleep now," I said, averting the conversation. I rolled over on my side and pulled the blanket over myself. It smelled like the hospital, a familiar smell to me.

I laid there for about an hour, wide awake, while my mom thought I was asleep. Then my phone rang and I jumped up. I grabbed it, hitting the talk button.

"Hello?" I sped.

"Josh, I'm fine," Andy started. "I'm in trouble, but I'm fine."

"Good," I said, catching my moms glance. "Now go back to sleep," I told her.

"Yeah," she said, tiredly.

"Call me later, we'll play G-force," I said.

"Yeah," she repeated, hanging up the phone.

I turned to my mom. She was about to talk when I interrupted, "Good night."

"Good night," she said, getting into her hospital cot.


	23. Small pinch

**23. Small Pinch**

"Small pinch," the nurse said, sliding the IV needle out of my arm.

My eyes were on the clock, counting down. I'd be 24-hour fever free in 7 minutes. My temperature was taken, my IV out, all I had to do was put my clothes on and I'd be done. I had argued with my mom and we settled. I could see Andy tonight, but I had to go sleep at home. Then I'd have to stay for breakfast and lunch and then I could come back to Andy.

6 minutes.

The nurse handed me a cup with some water in it and 2 pills. I didn't even ask what they were; I just knocked them back, my eyes still glued to the clock. I got up and walked to the dresser and grabbed my clothes. I put them on in the bathroom and came back out.

4 minutes.

"Mom, you got the stuff for Andy, right?" I asked, nervously. My mom was packing up her stuff, just some books and a change of clothes. She reached in her tote and pulled out a shopping bag. "Thanks."

"And we agree, you'll be back by 10?" she reassured.

"Yep," 57 seconds.

I slipped on my shoes, throwing my dress on the bed. 15 seconds.

"Alright mom, later," I said as I slid my phone in my pocket and slid out of the room.

---

I checked in with the nurses on the floor desk. They looked happy to see me.

"Check it," I said, "fever free."

A nurse reached in a drawer, retrieving a thermometer. She stuck it under my tongue. They all leaned in; very similar to the 2 days ago, but this time the beep brought a different sigh. Relief.

"Awesome," I said, spitting it out, not even waiting to see the screen. I took off down the hall to Andy's room.

I didn't knock, I just walked in. Andy was on her bed, her blankets up to her waist and her gown pulled up to her chest. Her thin, hallow stomach showed, ribs protruding. When she saw me, she pushed her gown down.

"Josh!" she said, a cross between excitement and embarrassment. She jumped out of her bed and ran over to me. I caught her in my arms, inhaling.

"Hey, what were you doing?" I was concerned.

"I was just…" she started, "thinking. None of my clothes will fit," she explained, all of her weight against me. I picked her up and carried her back to her bed. She sat up at the head of her bed and I sat at the bottom.

"That doesn't matter," I said. "You can just wear the hospital gown forever," I joked.

"Well, you're sick of it," she whispered, her eyes averted.

"Andy, I was just kidding. I don't care what you wear," I started, reaching into the bag, "although I would be insulted if you didn't wear this." I produced a hat. It was floppy and green. I had told my mom to pick an "Andy hat" and she picked perfectly.

Andy grabbed at it excitedly and put it on. It was big, covered one of her eyes, but she didn't care. She beamed.

"Perfect," I said. All of a sudden I couldn't contain myself. I leaned forward and gave Andy a kiss on the cheek. I pulled back and the look in her eyes said it all. She lied back, pulling me with her and we were lying side by side.

"I missed this," she smiled. She leaned in to me, pressing her lips against mine. She kissed me, passionately. Her tongue mingled with mine. She didn't taste like cancer, didn't taste like thin, she tasted like Andy and Andy tasted like love. She paused for a second, and whispered into my mouth, "A nurse could come any second."

"They already know we're together," I pleaded, leaning in, kissing Andy again. I put my hand on her back, carefully pulling her towards me until our body's felt like one. She put her hand on my cheek; I moved mine from her back to her hair. I couldn't get enough. I deepened the kiss, more fervently, because I never wanted to forget right now. My lungs burned, I was desperately out of air, but I wasn't going to lean back for anything.

All of a sudden, a nurse walked in but that didn't stop us. I didn't see her, only heard her. She paused at the door, before walking over to us. She spun a dial on Andy's IV poll and then shook Andy's shoulder. Andy leaned back for one moment.

"Hold on," she whispered. She leaned in for one last, thirsty kiss, her tongue rolling over mine, her hands tugging at my hair. She leaned back, her eyes still closed, and bit her bottom lip. Then she sat up and turned to the nurse.

"Yes?"

The nurse handed her a cup with pills and another with water. Andy swallowed them both. She looked back at the nurse, exasperated.

"That all?" she said.

"Um, yes, Andy," the nurse said, embarrassed.

"Good," Andy said, lying back down. "Where were we?" not even waiting for the nurse to leave.

"I think," I started, "right here," leaning in for another kiss.


	24. 10:09

**24. 10:09**

"Josh, you better leave, you don't want your mom to be angry," Andy said, although her actions begged to differ. She was lying on her side, facing me; her index finger was hooked into the neck of my shirt, her forehead against my chin, one of her legs between mine, the other on top.

I looked over her head at the clock. It was 9:45. I had 15 minutes for a 10 minute drive.

"I can stay just a little longer," I decided, pulling Andy a little closer.

She was getting better, in multiple senses. Three weeks and she'd be well enough to go home. Most of her headaches and nausea had gone away. And she was even getting more energy (this, I'm sure of. The chemo-Andy would not have lasted through a 15 minute make-out session); which reminds me, she's getting better at kissing, too.

"Well, get home on time," she whispered.

"Why does it matter?" I wondered aloud.

She hesitated. "If you get grounded and can't keep coming, I wouldn't know what to do," she admitted.

"Nothing will keep me away," I promised, lightly kissing the top of her head." But you're right, I better leave," I said, unhooking myself from her. I sat up then turned to pull her up, too. I put my stuff into my bags and looked around the room, seeing what else needed to be done. I picked up the remote control from the floor, where it had fallen, and put it back on the table next to the bed so Andy could reach it. I took the pitcher of water from the table and opened it, finding it nearly empty. I quickly stepped out into the hallway and got some ice from the floor refrigerator and then filled it up with water- tap water, to be specific, because that's what Andy likes. I took it back into the room and put it on the table. I straightened Andy's blankets up to her waist and re-adjusted her pillows. I took her central line tube out from behind her back and around her arm and straightened it. After one last assessment of the room, I grabbed my car keys from the desk.

I walked back over to Andy's bed and leaned in for one last kiss but Andy caught me and gave it her all. Then she leaned back, just enough to smile.

"Thanks," she said. She didn't mean just for fixing her room, or just for coming down after I was discharged, or even just for being such a great kisser. She meant for everything. "You'll be back tomorrow?" she begged more than asked.

"No later than 1 o clock," I promised.

"I'll be at the MRI at 1," she said. I knew she hated MRIs. She hated the noise, she hated the contrast that was given via her central line, she hated the small space, but she especially hated that they were looking for cancer.

"Then I'll be waiting when you get back," I reassured. I looked at the clock. It was 9:53. I kissed the top of her head. "Go to sleep," I ordered, flowing out into the hall, into the elevator, and out into the parking lot. I spotted Andy's window with her hand pressed up to the glass. I smiled, turned, and got into my car. I was going to be late.

---

I ran into the house, "Did I make it?" I said, glancing at the clock. 10:09.

"Close enough," my mom smiled. "How do you feel?" she said, pressing her hand to my forehead.

"Fine," I said truthfully.

She took me by my shoulders, taking a step back. "Well, you look fine," she said, concerned.

"That's because I'm fine," I reminded her.

"Well, why don't you just go up to bed?" she suggested strongly.

"Yeah," I said, yawning. "That's where I'm heading."

"Alright, well, I'm going to go ahead and let you sleep in tomorrow, so I'll just keep your breakfast in the oven," she said.

It's summer, but my mom doesn't let us sleep it. She wants to "promote normal sleeping patterns". So if sick was going to let me sleep in, I wasn't going to fight it.

"Thanks," I said.

I bounced up the stairs, dropped my keys on my dresser, peeled my shirt off leaving it on the ground, set my alarm for noon to be sure, and went to bed in jeans. I took a pillow and put it under my chin, resting my arm over it, just for the feeling of familiarity.

I was almost asleep when my phone rang. It was 10:47. Andy's name flashed across the screen and the worst possibilities raced around my mind.

"Hello?" I panicked.

"I'm fine," she started, "I just couldn't sleep."

I sighed. "Well, try harder. The more you sleep the more your white-"

"-blood cells reproduce and the faster I go home, I know. But I can't sleep," she insisted.

"What can I do to help?" I asked.

"I just thought we could talk," she said.

"Alright," I said. I got up and closed my bedroom door, turning the light on. I sat back on my bed, "what about?"


	25. I played cancer

**25. I played Cancer.**

"**Hey There Delilah"- Plain White Tees**

"Well… anything. What's your favorite color?" she asked.

"Hmm," I considered. It was a dumb question, something to base a first-grade friendship off of, but I wanted to answer it right. "I like green. You?"

"Green," she said, definitively. "What sports did you play as a kid?"

These questions seemed trivial, things I don't even know about my own mother, but they all seemed genuinely important to Andy so I, too, wanted to be genuine.

"I played soccer. You?"

"I played cancer," she reminded me.

"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry," I apologized. I forget Andy's life before cancer was… cancer.

"No problem. What's your favorite number?"

"2, you?"

"3, like third time's a charm. What are you afraid of?" she said, a little more softly, a little more seriously.

I thought. What was I afraid of? I was afraid of girls, no joke, but Andy helped me overcome that. I was afraid of hospitals, but Andy helped me overcome that. Now what was I afraid of?

"I'm not sure," I answered honestly. "I'll pass and tell you when I figure it out," I promised. "What are you afraid of?"

The answer seems obvious. Death. Right?

"I'm afraid of being alone," she said. It was a matter-of-fact kind of thing, but I could tell she was embarrassed. "I'm afraid of being alone when my time comes. Or even just going through milestones alone. I like to feel like I'm part of something."

"Do you ever feel alone?" I questioned.

"Not anymore," she said.

"And never again," I whispered.

"Because… you…" Andy started, begging for the right finish.

"Because I can't imagine walking away from you," I said. It was a matter-of-fact kind of thing, but I was in no way embarrassed.

"I know what I'm afraid of," I decided. "I'm afraid of not being with you. I've been there before and I felt alone."

"Never again," she promised. "Never again."


	26. Slow down

**26. Slow Down**

"**Stop This Train"- John Mayer**

"Hey," Lori said, leaning in my doorway.

"Hey," I answered, distracted. Andy and I had talked until 12:30 and a nurse had made her hang up. Then I woke up with my alarm at noon, ate breakfast and lunch at once, showered, and now it was 12:30. I was hurriedly throwing stuff into a suitcase- my mom had decided that I could sleep at the hospital tonight.

"Where are you going?" she said quietly, her eyes downcast.

Something was up. Lori and I got along decently, but we didn't do touchy-feely.

"I'm… packing," I said, pointing at my stuff in a suitcase.

"Oh," she said. She began pulling clothes off my bed, folding them, and then putting them back, something weighing heavy on her showers. "Josh…"

I dropped my bag and turned around to face her.

"Who told you?" I demanded.

"No, Josh. I just guessed. I mean, no way mom would let you leave the hospital from illness to go stay at your girlfriend's house until 10. And then no way you were going to go sleep at her house either. I knew something was wrong," she said, apologies all over her face.

"It's in her brain," I sighed. Then I thought, "I mean, was in her brain. They think it's gone," I said, sitting down next to her. I looked at the floor, feeling selfish to be the one receiving apologies, I didn't have cancer.

"It's okay to take a break," she said, gently. She reached out and grabbed one of my hands with both of hers. Her hands are small with thin fingers and mine are large, my palm able to enclose her fist. She held my hand up to chest level, gripping it tight. "She knows your in for good, Josh," a single tear falling down her cheek, "and this is almost as hard on you as it is on her."

I used my free hand to wipe away the tear and then wrap my arms around her. I don't remember the last time we hugged, but since then I've grown, and I nearly enclosed her. She hugged her arms around my waist, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't the one supporting. She looked up at me, "Slow down, Josh."

"Thanks," I said. I stepped back and glanced around my room. Everything was packed. I zipped my bag and slipped on my shoes. I put my hand on Lori's shoulder, squeezing it, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks," I repeated.

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow; call me if you want me to bring you guys dinner tonight," she said with real sincerity.

I jumped down the stars 2 at a time, ran through the kitchen to tell my mom was leaving, bounced out the door, slammed into my car, and I was on my way back to the hospital.


	27. Loud

**27. Loud**

"**Breathe (2 am)"- Anna Nalick**

The elevator door banged shut behind me.

"Hello, Josh," the nurses chorused from the floor desk.

"Ladies," I said, tipping my head as I a side-skipped by them. I walked down the

hall and stood at Andy's door, readjusting myself outside. Then I looked at the clock, across the hall. 12:59. I knocked but I knew she wouldn't be there so I let myself in. Her bed was unmade, her stuff spread around the room. I set to work.

First, I went to the nurse's station, making sure the sheets on her bed were clean, which they were. So I made her bed, shaking out each blanket, fluffing the pillows, getting one more from the floor desk so I could set them up the way she liked (two behind her back and one on either side.) Then I took all her jewelry and hats she had spread over the room and put them in one drawer. Next, I picked up the hospital gowns she had left around the room and put them in the hamper in the hall. I put the cap on her toothbrush and put the toothbrush, paste, and hairbrush in one place. I folded her bath towels and set her shampoo and soap back on the edges of her shower. I put the remote control back on the table, plugged her laptop in to charge, and then surveyed my work. It was only 1:15, she won't be back until at least 1:25. I ran down to the gift shop and bought some flowers and placed them on the windowsill in her room. 1:20. I grabbed my bag and started loading my stuff into a drawer. All of a sudden, Andy was being wheeled into the room (it's hospital rules; all transitions happen in a wheelchair.)

"Josh!" she screamed, leaping with restless abandon, throwing her arms around me. You'd think I'd been gone for days.

"Andy," I whispered into her hair. I looked over her shoulder at the nurse still standing in the doorway.

"Do you need a cot?" she mouthed. I considered. I doubted that I'd use it, but it'd look good to the nurses. I nodded and she left. I pushed Andy back a step so I could look at her. Her eyes were red, her cheeks damp.

"You okay?" I said, rubbing my thumbs across her velvet skin.

"Yeah," she said, embarrassed. "It was just the MRI…" she trailed off. I understood. I wrapped my arm around her waist and led her over to the bed, gently helping her up. She sat cross legged at the foot of the bed, I at the head, facing each other. "How do you feel?" she asked, dragging her index fingers around my jeans, drawing pictures in her mind.

"I feel fine," I said, unable to catch her eye.

"How'd the MRI go?" I hinted.

"Loud," she answered, simply, defiantly. She looked up at me for a moment, then went back to drawing.

"You feel okay?" I asked, tilting her head up by the chin.

"Mmhmm," she hummed. Then she crawled forward, and turned around. She sat between my straddled legs, curled up, her cheek against my chest, her arms wrapped around one of mine. He legs were tucked up to her chest. I wrapped my free arm around her back. "I'm fine," she said to my arm. "I'm just tired, you know?" And I knew. She wasn't tired and needed to sleep. She was tired and needed to stop fighting.

"I know," I told her. "But we're almost done," I said with my most convincing tone, "we're almost done."

"Mmhmm," Andy murmured. "I just want to sit here a little while," she said softly, leaning against me a little more.

"Alright," I said, understanding that sometimes she just needed a break. "We'll just sit her a little while."


	28. You're like my baby

**28. You're like my baby.**

"**I think I love you"-The Partridge Family**

I pulled my fingers through her hair, over and over. From my angle, I could see her eyelids closed, her thin mouth barely parted. She had fallen asleep over an hour ago but I almost felt like I never wanted her to wake up. I just wanted her to have peace.

"Josh?" Andy said, sitting up a little. She looked at the clock. 3:07. "What time do you have to go home?" she asked.

"I can stay the night if you want," I said.

"If you don't mind…" she said.

"and I don't," I said. She smiled and curled back up against my body.

"You could have woken me," she said.

"Yeah, but you looked peaceful," I explained.

"Oh, okay," she said, rubbing her shoulders. I pushed her hands away and began to message her back. "Thanks," she said, relaxing a little. "The MRI makes me really tense," she told me.

"When do we get the results from that?" I questioned, trying to cover the worry in my voice.

"Tonight," she said, nervously. "I just really want them to be okay," her fingers flying up to her mouth to bite her nails.

"You're going to get an infection," I reminded her, swatting her hands away from her mouth. She turned to face me.

"You're like my mom," she complained.

"You're like my baby," I retorted.

"You know I can take care of myself," she reminded me.

"Apparently not," grabbing her hand to see all of her nails had been bitten. She pulled her hand back.

"Just…" she started. She ran her hand up my leg, stopping mid-way up my thigh, "stop worrying for a second. I'm going to be fine."

I looked away. How can she promise she's going to be fine? "I just want you to get better," I said, pushing her hair behind her ear.

She moved her hand from my leg to my arm, rubbing up and down, distracted. She bit her bottom lip.

"I'm getting better," she said. She looked at me, relaxing a bit.

Then, a familiar feeling washed over me and all of a sudden, I felt it again, the urgency to lean in and kiss her. I pulled her to me, our mouths crushing together. Andy's eyes widened, then closed, leaning into the kiss. She moved her hands from my arm to around my neck, hanging on to everything she had left. I touched her cheek, her arm, her hair, the back of her head, her side, her back. Andy leaned on to me, pushing all of her weight to my torso until I fell back on the bed, Andy sprawled on top of me. Her tongue ran over mine, sending chills through my body. I could feel her central line against my chest, her thin, cold legs on my jeans. Andy bit at my lip before she pressed her hands against my stomach, pushing up for a second.

"Josh," she whispered.

"Yes?" I said, looking into her eyes, seeing her think.

"I think I lo-" she started. I got the message.

"I know, me too," I said, pulling her back down.

Her lips felt like velvet against mine, her tongue running across my teeth, the roof of my mouth, as if the most beautiful paint brush. Her hand brushed against my cheek. Our tongues mingled in a life of their own. After a few moments, Andy leaned back so that only our foreheads and noses touched.

"Josh, as much as I like to do this, I'm sick of doing it here. Let's wait until I get home," she begged. Two and a half weeks, no kissing. Agreeing for now would be easiest and I'd wear her down anyway.

I sighed, "Alright."

Andy scooted down so that her head laid on my chest, her thin frame balanced on my hips. She put one of her hands over my heart, the other over her own.

"Josh," she whispered after a moment. "They beat together."


	29. Strength

**29. Strength**

"**I'm So Excited"-Pointer Sisters**

"Andy," someone said gently. I could feel her rock back and forth on top of me. "Andy, wake up," someone said.

I opened my eyes and a nurse and a doctor stood next to our bed. I looked at Andy, lying with her entire body straight and her arms around my neck, balanced on top of me. Her head was laid to the side; she was asleep.

"Andy," I whispered, pushing the hair out of her eyes. "Andy, some people are here to talk to you." I looked at the clock over her head, it was 8:34. We had fallen sleep around 3 hours ago, I was guessing. We'd just lied together, barely talking, until her breathing became steady and mine followed. Andy tilted her head up towards me.

"Mmm… what?"

I pointed to the other side of the bed. She turned her head.

"DR. HOOPER! Are they back already?!" she said, sitting up quickly, pushing hard against my ribs. I winced. "Sorry," she apologized quickly, stumbling out of the bed, taking a folder from the doctor's hands. She pulled out the films quickly, falling over to the light board where she stuck them in. She looked.

"I don't see any…" she said, searching the picture.

"That's because there isn't any," Dr. Hooper said, a smile plastered against his face.

"AHHHHH!" Andy screamed. She jumped up and down, squealing, until her knees gave way and she fell to the floor. Even then, she sat there banging her fists on the floor, shaking her head, an ear-piercing noise dripping from her mouth.

I slowly got out of the bed. I had inferred from the 2 short sentences and the scream that the cancer was gone. I looked to the nurse for a plain-Jane explanation.

"It's gone, Josh," she said, reaching out to squeeze my arm, encouragingly. I looked to Andy on the floor, her eyes squeezed shut tightly, screaming. Suddenly she stopped, panting, and opened her eyes. She stuck her hands out towards me. I went over and picked her up and she started jumping again.

"JOSH JOSH JOSH JOSH JOSH, IT'S GONE!" she screamed. Then she leaped at me, wrapping her legs around my waist, squeezing her arms around my neck. I felt the hot tears on my shoulder and she leaned back. She smiled and wiped the tears off of her cheek. "I'm better," she whispered. She leaned her head back on my shoulder. I backed up a few seconds as I felt my knees weaken and sat on the chair in the corner. It was so many emotions at once and I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. I put my head on top of Andy's, my eyes wandering the room. Time seemed to pause for a moment until Andy leaned back and then nearly fell on the floor. She scrambled up and sped over to Dr. Hooper.

"You called my moms?" she asked.

"They're on their way over," he smiled. Andy beamed and then fell towards him, wrapping her arms around his torso, sighing.

"Thank you, thank you so much," she whispered. She looked up at him, crying again.

He took her by the shoulders. "No, Andy. This was your will, your fight. And your encouragement," he added, winking at me. I felt I couldn't take any of the credit, though. Andy was the sick one, the one in pain, the one worried, the one sick of fighting. I just had to watch.

Andy turned and started to walk back to me more slowly. When she was in front of me, she took both my hands, pulling me to my feet. She embraced me.

"Thank you," she said, drenched in sincerity. For the first time, in a long time, she felt strong.


	30. Admittance

**30. Admittance**

"**Oh, Is It Love"- HelloGoodbye**

"Andy, baby!" her moms screeched, rushing into the room. Andy, who had been sitting on her bed, stood on the mattress with her arms spread. She leaned forward and they pulled her down to the ground where the three of them hugged each other.

"You look so good!" one of her moms said, squeezing her cheeks.

"I don't know why you don't let us visit you more!" said the other, rubbing her back. She glanced over towards me, "It's not because you two, are… you know…" she implied.

"NO!" I jumped in defense.

"Josh, she's kidding," Andy said, slapping her mom's arm, then turning to hug her again. "I just needed a break from your worrying," she said to them.

"Now there's nothing to worry about," said one, beginning to cry.

"Mom, don't cry," she said. She crawled back up on her bed, looking exhausted. She had nearly collapsed after all her jumping and had to be carried back to her bed where she could barely stay awake.

One of her moms walked over to me and leaned in to hug me too. "Thanks for taking care of our baby, Josh," she said.

I hugged her back, oddly enough not feeling awkward. "No problem…uhm… Mrs. Jensen."

"Oh, call me Laura!" she volunteered.

Her other mom stepped forward, "And call me Kate," the other one said, hugging me. "And she's not just our baby, Laura," Kate winked, "she's Josh's too."

Andy blushed furiously and I, instinctively, leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. Laura sighed, wrapping her arm around Kate's waist.

"Young love," she said.

Love. It pulled me back to earlier today. I hadn't wanted Andy to say it then, it hadn't seemed right. But for some reason, right now, I wanted more than anything to hear it from her. I leaned into her ear, pushing her hair back. "I love you," I whispered.

Andy turned her head and caught me in a kiss, pulling back slightly, and whispered into my mouth, "I love you, too."

Then I remembered Andy's moms were in the room. I turned back to them, but they were okay, totally chill.

"We brought dinner," Kate said, going back to the cooler bag they had brought in. They pulled out 5 McDonalds bags. "We weren't sure what'd you want so we got 4 burgers, fries, and chicken nuggets," she smiled.

Andy beamed. I forget that she'd been eating crappy food 3 meals a day for too many days. She reached for a bag, pulled out a fist-full of fries, jamming them in her mouth.

"Slow down, Hun, and share" said Laura, sitting on the bed next to Andy, smoothing her hair back.

"Here," Andy said, dumping another first-full of fries into my hand.

"Thanks," I laughed, eating a few.

Her moms began to dole out all the food as Andy sat on the bed, beaming, her mouth stuffed with fries. She looked so content, so fine to be fine. For a second, I almost was convinced that this was the best dinner ever. Then I began thinking and I made a plan, but it was going to have to wait until tomorrow.

We all ate and laughed as Andy's mom's relived some of Andy's childhood memories. They recalled her leaning to swim, her first day of kindergarten, her first week of chemo. It was sad that they could laugh about it now, but it was a fact of their life and they learned to deal. Then there was a lull in the conversation.

"What are my chances of complete remission?" Andy said all of a sudden, watching her hands, nervous. She meant what was her chance of no more cancer.

Her moms looked at each other, and then smiled. "There's a 97 chance that the cancer is done," Kate smiled.

Andy sighed and turned to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. Then she yawned.

"You tired?" Laura said, getting up to throw trash away.

"Just a little," Andy admitted, which meant very tired.

"Want us to stay the night," Kate said, standing up.

"If you don't mind, I'd really like for it to be Josh to stay the night," she said, nervously. You were only allowed one person to stay over and she didn't want to hurt their feelings.

"Of course, baby," Laura said honestly.

"Yeah, Dee, no problem," Kate smiled.

I sighed a sigh of relief, because there was no way I wanted to go.

They gathered their stuff quickly and kissed Andy on the top of the head. They left as a nurse came in.

"I don't need any medicine!" Andy guarded, angrily.

"Just fluids for hydration," the nurse said, flashing a clear bag.

"Can't I just drink some water?" Andy begged.

"Not tonight," the nurse apologized. "Dr. Hooper wants you to get really hydrated, more than you could get with drinks. Maybe tomorrow."

She hooked it all up and left the room. Andy patted the bed next to her and I slid in, under the blanket. Andy reclined the bed so it was flat.

"I'm really tired," she said, re-positioning her body.

"Admitting it?" I said, amazed.

"I've got nothing to hide now," she smiled. "I'm cancer free."

I put my arm out and she lied on top of it as I wrapped around her shoulder.

"We don't have to be afraid anymore," I said, nuzzling the top of her head.

"Not anymore," she smiled.


	31. One lap

**31. One Lap**

"**With a Little Help From My Friends"- The Beatles**

"Josh?" Andy asked from her doorway.

I turned from where I was standing at the nurses' station, to look at her. She had pulled over IV pole over and was standing, leaning against the frame, rubbing her eyes.

"Oh, hey," I said. I turned back to the nurses. "So you said tonight at 6:30?" I reassured.

"Yep," said one. "Now go back to her," she pushed.

I walked back over, grabbing Andy around the waist. She wrapper her arm around my side, leaning a little of her weight on me. "Hey, sleepy," I said, kissing the top of her head. I started to lead her back into her room.

"No, let's walk," Andy said, guiding me back the other way.

As Andy's cells rebooted, it helped if she stayed moving. She was tired, but she wanted more than anything to be better, so we walked.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"What was what about?" I said, pretending I didn't know.

"That… that thing with the nurses," she explained, looking up at me.

"Oh, just reassuring your lab times today," I said.

"Oh," she said, accepting the lie.

We lapped the pediatric oncology ward and ended up back at her door.

"One more time around?" I asked.

"Not now," she said. Her weight was on me a little more heavily.

"You sure? C'mon, we can go once more," I said. All I wanted was for her to be able to leave the hospital.

"No, not right now," she said, pulling me into her room. "So, what time are those tests?" she asked as she heaved herself onto her bed. She positioned herself at the usual foot of the bed and patted for me to sit at the head.

"6:30, just some blood," I answered, taking off my shoes and settling myself in. This is how we sat, always. She at the bottom, facing me, cross legged. I sat at the top, facing her, my legs spread. By the end of the conversation, Andy would end up setting between my legs. If the conversation ended in worry, concern, or thought, she'd sit with her legs tucked up, facing sideways, her cheek, shoulder, and hip pressed against me. If the conversation ended relaxed, Andy sat with her back leaned to my stomach, her legs straight forward.

Andy looked to the clock. "It's only noon?" She glanced around the room. "What do we want to do today?"

"We could watch TV, we could play some video games, we could play cards, we could kiss…" I said trailing off.

"Uh, no. Boring, boring, boring, not in the hospital. I think… that we should go get some food. And then take a nap," she said, considering.

"You just woke up," I reminded her.

"Well, we can just lie here then," she said, crawling forward. She sat with her back to my front.

I laughed. "I thought we were going to get food," I said, putting my head on her shoulder.

Andy grabbed my hands, pulling them forward and wrapping them around her stomach. She leaned back into me, moving around a little.

"Yeah, after we sit here a little while," she said, taking a deep breath.

"Alright, let's just sit here," I said, because, to be honest, just sitting here is my favorite thing to do.

---

Andy usually slept until about 8. Then we did something until around 10:30 where she fell asleep. She woke up at noon and would be asleep again by 3:30. She'd wake up around 5 and be awake until around 9 (the long stretch). It was during all these naps that I showered, went home, or just sat, taking it all in. Actually, though, for now, I spent these naps planning.

Around 3, Andy went to sleep and I took the time to make the phone call.

I dialed Lori's cell number. "Hello?" answered a low voice.

"Kyle? Why do you-" I began.

"She left it on her dresser. She's at the store, getting the stuff for you," he answered.

"And you're going to bring her by with it around 6:30, right?" I asked.

"On the dot," Kyle said, happy to help.

"Thanks so much, Kyle," I said, hanging up.

I dialed again, "Hello, Kate?"

"Oh, hey Josh. Laura pulled all of it together for you, it's right here on the couch. I'm going to be out at the gym but there's a key in the flower pot, just let yourself in."

"Thanks, Kate," I said, snapping my phone shut again.

I looked around Andy's room. Nothing was astray. I looked at Andy asleep and readjusted her blankets. I grabbed some clean clothes from the dresser and took a shower. It was still only 3:30. I guess it couldn't hurt for me to fall asleep, too.

I looked at the cot in the corner. It didn't get much use. I picked up the corner of Andy's blankets, sliding in next to her. She shook her head a little and opened her eyes.

"Josh," she whispered, smiling.

"Let's just sleep here for a while," I said, brushing my thumb against her cheek.

"Yeah, let's just sleep here," she said, closing her eyes once again.

---

"LORI, KYLE, Thank you!" I yelled, running forward, taking the bags from her hands.

"Need any help setting up?" she offered. I considered, looking at her face.

"Yeah, will you?" I decided.

"Which way to her room?" she asked.

---

I was sitting at one of the chairs, my foot tapping. My eyes were on the clock. It was 7. I told them to procrastinate but this is LONG for some simple blood work. Then, I heard the elevator bing open and Andy's voice trailing down the hall.

"I may be a cancer patient but I can walk," she argued.

"Hospital rules, you know that. Andy… Andy, sit back down," I heard a nurse say.

All of a sudden Andy was in the doorway. Her eyes and mouth widened, saucers. Just as the nurse pulled up behind her with the wheel chair, Andy's hand flew to her mouth and she leaned back to sit down.


	32. Coke and Spaghetti, take 2

**32. Coke and Spaghetti, take 2**

**"This Never Happened Before"- Paul McCartney**

"Josh," Andy gasped. The nurse pushed her chair into the room. Andy's eyes looked from wall to wall.

There were 4 different vases of roses, one on each surface. There were roses tied in chains around her bed (which had been pushed to the side) and mirror. Then, there was a path of rose petals leading up to a small table. It was really just a fold out poker table, but it was covered in a white lace cloth and there was a dinner chair on each side of it. In the middle was the biggest vase of roses, 2 dozen. On my side, there were a few cooler bags and some bottles.

"Josh," Andy said again, pushing herself out of the chair. She fingered the roses, shuffling her feet through the path of petals. "This is…"

"You're not ready yet," I informed her, spinning her around by her shoulder. She caught sight of her green dress hanging on her bathroom door.

"I can't wear-" Andy started.

"Yes you can, it's been taken care of," I said nudging her towards the door.

Andy entered the bathroom and emerged in the green dress from our date. It was much bigger now, you could see her bones and bruises from around the swaths of fabric, but it still matched her honey hair perfectly.

"Here," I said, offering her the blue and pink sweater and the correct jewelry. She took the jewelry but denied the sweater.

"I don't have to hide it here," she explained.

She slid on the bracelets, her eyes remaining deeply imbedded in mine. I looked the nurse from over her shoulder, giving her a nod. She turned and left, closing the door behind her.

"Care to sit?" I said, pulling out a chair for her. She slid in, her eyes still swallowing the scene.

I reached into one of the bags and pulled out a big bowl of spaghetti. I had asked Lori to make it and bring it hot. I had picked the roses out a few days ago during a nap but she had also brought those with the table cloth and food.

"Spaghetti…" Andy said, remembrance in her voice.

"And…" I said, reaching down again, pulling out a bottle, "coke."

"Spaghetti and coke," Andy whispered through her smile.

I served our food. Andy took a mouthful, sighing. The hospital didn't have good spaghetti.

"So… the procrastinated blood tests?" she asked.

"I needed time," I explained.

"I'm glad you took the time," Andy said, looking around the room once again, from the rose chains to the rose vases.

We ate quietly. Andy looked around and inhaled the pasta. I watched her, barely able to contain my happiness.

When we had finished the food, I pulled out a thermos and two mugs. I poured us each a cup of coffee, sugar and no cream, the way Andy liked it.

"But, the caffeine..." Andy questioned.

"I talked to Dr. Hooper, the extra fluid bag this morning was to cover this. But this is a one time thing, you're still banned from coffee," I warned.

"You're like my-" she began to complain.

"Baby," I interrupted.

Andy paused, then smiled. She wrapped both hands around the hot mug, inhaling the fumes before taking a long swig of the hot coffee.

"Mmm," she hummed.

I leaned forward, giving Andy a kiss on the cheek.

"Mmm," I hummed back.

Andy surprised me, leaning forward, giving me a kiss on the mouth.

"Yum," she teased.

"Not in the hospital," I reminded her.

We drank the coffee as Andy recalled all the events that I used to plan this.

"I woke up and you smelled like flowers, the message from Lori on your phone about soda, the secret calls to my moms," she asked.

"Yep, yep, yep. Was it worth it?" I asked.

"Mmm," she hummed. She had finished her coffee. I leaned to my left where I already had a CD player set up. I hit play and the music filled the room.

"Dance?" I asked, standing and offering my hand.

"Gladly," Andy said, standing and wrapping her arms around my neck. I enclosed Andy by the waist. Through the thin green dress, I could feel her bones and her skin, so cold. I rubbed her back as we shifted from left to right. The lyrics sang out:

"I'm very sure,  
this never happened to me before.  
I met you and now I'm sure;  
this never happened before.

Now I see:  
this is the way it's supposed to be.  
I met you and now I see,  
this is the way it should be.

This is the way it should be for lovers;  
they shouldn't go it alone;  
it's not so good when you're on your own.

So come to me,  
now we can be what we wanna be.  
I love you and now I see:  
this is the way it should be.

This is the way it should be.

This is the way it should be for lovers;  
they shouldn't go it alone;  
it's not so good when you're on your own.

I'm very sure;  
this never happened to me before.  
I met you and now I'm sure  
this never happened before (this never happened before)  
this never happened before (this never happened)  
this never happened before (this never happened before)"

"We have a song," Andy said, stepping back, blinking tears out of her eyes.

I leaned forward, kissing her on the cheek, "I love you," as I pushed the hair out of her eyes.

Andy leaned back, contemplating for one second. Then all of a sudden, she pushed forward, forcing her mouth on mine. She ran her hands through my hair, pulling me closer, deeper. Her hands ran over my back, tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I felt her cool bones against my hands. I backed up until I was leaning on the wall. Andy leaned all her weight on me, standing on her tip toes.

"Andy," I moaned. "Don't tease…"

Andy bit her lip "You're right," she sighed. "When I get out," she decided.

She leaned back on to me, putting her head under mine. I rubbed my hands up and down her back.

"You're cold," I commented. "Put on your sweater."

"You're like my mother," she reminded.

"I'm just saying…" I started.

"Let's just stand here a while," Andy said, wrapping her arms around my waist and squeezing. She looked up at me for a moment, jumping to her tip toes for a quick second, just to peck me on the lips.

"Just a while," I sighed. Then I added, "then we get your sweater."


	33. More than married couples

**33. More Than Married Couples**

"I'll have to go buy clothes," she said, her finger to her chin.

"We'll go do that," I said, not looking up from my book.

"I wonder what size I am now," she wondered aloud.

"Very small," I said, without thinking. She shot me a dirty look, "I mean, like... dainty," I tried to fix.

"No, you're right, very small," she said after consideration. She put her hands to her waist, reaching almost all the way around. Andy's usually a size 2. She'll have to wear children's sizes now and she's very upset.

I went back to reading and Andy was quiet for a moment. Then she spoke up, "I really want to go swimming."

"It's really hot, you know," I said, unable to tear my eyes from the page.

"It'll be fun," she said, ignoring me.

"You'll be tired," I reminded her. I turned my page finishing my chapter and set my book aside. I crawled in the bed to sit opposite Andy.

Last night the doctors told Andy she'd be released tomorrow. Ever since, she's talked non-stop about what she wants to do.

"I won't be tired," she said, furrowing her brow, putting her fists on her hips. She yawned.

"Really?" I laughed, stretching my arms out, signaling her to come sit with me.

"Really," she said. "I'll be energized any day now."

The doctors had already explained to her it could take many months, even a year, to bounce back to her old energy. For now, and at least the next month, she'd tire extremely easily.

"Alright, any day," I agreed. "But, let me guess, you just want to sit here?"

"Just for a little while," she said squishing back and forth until she was comfortable. She pressed her back to my stomach and turned her cheek to my shoulder, taking a deep breath.

---

"Goodbye, Andy," the nurses echoed, handing her a balloon bouquet.

"Thanks," Andy said, smiling. She was in the wheel chair but she was wearing some of her own clothes. Kate had dropped off an old tee-shirt and sweatpants. The pants had to be pinned all around the waist and the tee shirt lost Andy's body inside, but she was happy. "I'll come visit," she promised.

Laura pushed the down button on the elevator and the doors banged open. Kate pushed Andy in and Laura followed. I went to step in when I felt a tug at the back of my shirt. I turned around.

"You are a great boy," said a familiar nurse.

"Thanks," I said. "Thank you."

I got on the elevator and the doors slammed shut, leaving the oncology ward behind us.

---

"HOME!" Andy said, scratching at the car windows. We had barely pulled to a stop when Andy jumped out of the car and ran towards the door. She was a little too quick and fell up the porch stairs.

Laura ran up behind her, lifting her from under her arms. She leaned down to brush the dirt off of Andy's knees.

"Mom," Andy groaned. "I'm 17. I can manage falling down once in a while." She turned and hopped up the steps, took a key from Kate's hands, shoved it into the lock, and tripped into the house. She inhaled deeply. "Home," she whispered.

"What do you want for dinner?" Kate said, pulling a suitcase in behind her. She dropped her purse on a table.

"Mmm... pizza," Andy decided.

"Josh, will you be staying?" Laura offered.

"Well..." I started.

"Yes!" Andy interrupted.

"Andy, he's spent almost an entire month by your bedside. Have you forgotten he has his own family?" Kate scolded.

Andy frowned. "You can go home," she pouted.

I laughed, "I'll stay for dinner," I decided.

Andy smiled and grabbed me by the hand. "Let's go to my room," she said, pulling me. I gave her moms a look. Kate sighed and Laura laughed.

"Go," Laura smiled.

Andy nearly fell up the stairs and bounded into her room. She looked around and smiled. The first thing she did was go to her dresser and dump all the medicines into the trash can.

"Don't you-" I was about to ask.

"I get all new ones. But not until Monday," she said, excited.

She walked past the other dresser, brushing her fingers over cards, pictures, and figurines. She passed a basket in the corner filled with stuffed animals, running her fingers through the synthetic fur. She opened her closet and pushed through hangers, occasionally throwing items on to the floor. She held one in front of her face, "Maybe... if I tie the string..." she muttered under her breath.

I walked forward and sat on her bed. I thought back to visiting Andy at her house, amazed I was allowed in here. Then I remembered that was barely over a month ago. Me and Andy were still new. I knew, though, that Andy and I knew more about each other than most married couples. We knew each others quirks, annoyances, hates, loves, and favorites. We'd spent the hardest month of our lives together.

Andy turned to me and gave me a sly smile. She slinked over to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. She leaned forward so that she was whispering in my ear.

"We aren't at the hospital anymore..." she implied. She straddled my lap, running her fingers through my hair.

"Pizza will be here in 10," we heard Laura call out.

Andy let out a big sigh, falling back so her legs lied to one side of me, her head to the other, her back balanced on my lap.

"Later," she grumbled.

I laughed, pulling her back up by her arms. I kissed her cheek and looked in her eyes. They were happy, content, alive. You could see sadness, worry, loneliness, but it was buried, unimportant.

"We have forever," I said, hugging her closer to me.


	34. The Pout

**34. The Pout**

"**Daughters"-John Mayer**

Kate stood, taking her plate and Laura's.

"I'll help," I said, jumping up.

Andy looked worried. "Me too," she demanded.

Laura passed Kate a glance. "Actually, Dee, we should go hook you to your liquids."

"Laura!" Andy shouted (she used first names sometimes, to avoid confusion.) "She's going to ta-"

"Andy, let's go," Laura said, taking Andy's arm and leading her out of the room.

I grabbed Andy's plate and stacked it on top of mine, following Kate into the kitchen.

"It was very nice of you to stay," Kate offered, scrapping pizza crust into the garbage.

"How could I resist the pout?" I joked.

"Good point," she laughed. "Here's what I really wanted to tell you, though," she said, turning from the sink, leaning against the counter and crossing her arms. "Laura and I have discussed this quite a bit and we feel that you are a crucial part in Andy's recovery. We are so grateful that you stayed with her all that time when we know it would've been easier for you to turn away. The nurses told us how much you encouraged her, keeping her moving, making her rest. And we know that as teenagers, the odds are stacked against your relationship. We know how that feels," she said, looking to the ground. Her eyes searched for the right words.

"We like you. We really do. We think you're so good for her. We just need to make sure that you're good to her. We're not accusing you of breaking her heart," she said, biting her lip. She looked so much like Andy. "Just… you know, normal parent things. We know full well that by letting you up to her room you're going to make out and, who knows, maybe teens these days go farther. But we trust you won't go all the way," she said, embarrassment plain across her face.

I tried not to laugh, "Don't worry, Kate. I don't have anything like that in mind."

"Good," she sighed. "And the nurses said that you really watched out for her, keeping her away from caffeine, keeping her warm. I know it's not your job-"

"No problem, Kate. I would've even if you hadn't asked."

"Thanks," she smiled, looking back up at me. "Now that that's out of the way, you can stay the night if you want to," she said, relaxed. I loved that her parents trusted me to sleep with Andy. I wouldn't betray that trust. "We understand, though, that you've been a rare sight for your family and it may be time to pay them a visit," she winked.

Just then, Andy came into the room, pulling her IV pole.

"Sorry, Josh," she panted. "I tried to hurry. Hope she didn't harass you too much," she said, shooting Kate a dirty look.

"Nope, no harassment here," I said, walking over. I wrapped my arms over her shoulders. "I love you," I reminded her.

"I love you, too," she said, forgetting her anger. "Are you going to sleep here?"

"You know there is no place I'd rather be than in your bed but I really need to go home." I glanced at the clock; it was 7:07. "I'd better call Kyle and ask him to come pick me up," I said, heading for the front door.

"I'll wait outside with you," she said dragging her pole.

"I can just make the call and wait inside," I said, motioning towards the pole.

"No, outside," she insisted, pulling open the door.

We stepped outside into the night air. Andy hadn't spent too much time outside for a long time. She filled her lungs with star-lit air. I dialed the phone.

"Kyle?... yeah, Andy's…. yeah, if you wouldn't mind… thanks," I said, snapping my phone shut.

Andy pulled at my jeans so that I was sitting next to her on the steps.

"You could stay a little longer," she began. "We never did…" she implied. Then she leaned in, kissing me, her lips brushing against mine, her tongue softly grazing the roof of my mouth.

"We have all the time in the world," I reminded her softly. "I'm just going to sleep at home and let my mom know I'm alive. I'll be back tomorrow afternoon."

"Afternoon?" she said, a little astounded.

"You've gone longer without me," I laughed.

"But I didn't like it," Andy said, rubbing her cheek against my arm, kitten-like.

"We can go get your new clothes," I offered. Her intention wasn't to make me feel bad, but she did.

She looked into my eyes, a guilt flooding hers. "Okay, tomorrow afternoon," she confirmed. She picked up my arm and wrapped it around her shoulder. We sat there until headlights drove up the street and parked in the driveway.

"I'll call you tomorrow," I promised.

"Yeah, tomorrow," she said, falling on me, squeezing me. I felt the familiar feeling of her central line on my shoulder.

I pulled away, feeling a strain on my heart. I got in the car next to Kyle.

"You're finally coming home," Kyle said.

"Yep," I said, distracted by the lonely ache I already felt pulling at my compassion.

"Good, because Nicole really wants to talk to you."


	35. Chocolate Chip Pancakes

**35. Chocolate Chip Pancakes**

"Hey, mom," I said, stepping into the kitchen.

"Josh," she sounded surprised. "You want some dinner?"

"I ate."

"Oh, well," she said, unsure. "How bout you sit down over here, I'll get you some dessert?" she asked.

"Alright," I agreed, knowing that's what she wanted to hear.

She walked to the counter where there was a chocolate cake sitting on a glass plate. She cut a big piece. So I'd have to stay at this table longer to finish or out of kindness?

She poured a glass of milk and brought both to me. "So, you haven't been around much," she said, taking a seat.

"Well," I said, in between bites, "Andy's needed me."

"I understand," my mom cooed. "But you need a break. I don't want to have to make curfews and stuff when I know recovering from cancer is unpredictable but you can't spend all your time with her. We're your family," she said, her eyes searching, trying to understand.

"Look, I don't know if you know this or not, but this is very hard for Andy. She acts fine, but she's not. She just spent a month in the hospital. If I had spent a month in the hospital, you'd appreciate Andy sticking with me," I said, angry.

"Josh, don't be mad. I know this is hard on her, but you have to remember yourself. This is hard for you, too," she told me.

I hadn't let myself think that. I had avoided how I felt up to now. I didn't have time; I had to make sure Andy felt okay.

"I feel... fine," I guessed.

"Josh, you're exhausted," she said, eyeing my face. "You look so worried every time you come home. But that's not even that often. Don' you think you could come home a little more? You're only 17. You need a break"

"I don't, I'm fine," I said, more to reassure myself. As I said it, though, I could

feel a barrier break inside of me. "I'm just really scared, you know?" the tone of my voice changing drastically. "What if it happens again. I don't think I could do it again, let alone Andy could. And, Mom, what would I do without Andy? I... I..." as horrible ideas filled my head.

"But Josh, what if it doesn't happen again? She could be fine. And even if it did happen again, do you want to waste your healthy time worrying?" she said, putting her hand on top of mine.

"She needs me," I said, not knowing another way to explain.

"Yes, but so do we. I need you to be home sometimes so I know you're okay. I spend my whole day worrying about you worrying. Maybe if you came home a little bit everyday, you could relax and spend some time not thinking about Andy," she suggested.

"Not think about Andy..." I trailed off. I had thought about Andy pretty much every second since she told me she had cancer. I couldn't think of other things to think about.

"Yeah, not Andy. Maybe you can think about video games or sports. Maybe you and Kyle could go play basketball. Or you and Lori could hang out. She's been very worried about you, you know."

"Really?" I said, all of a sudden realizing how I might have affected my family. "Where is she? We can go get ice cream," I said, all of a sudden desperately needing to talk to her.

"Josh," my mom said, confused. "She went to the music convention in New York. They'll be gone a whole week."

That's when I remembered. My dad was also gone on business. The house was just me and my mom and Kyle, boy genius.

I sat back, oddly relieved to be home. It smelled like my house, my mom, my life. It felt good just to sit here.

"Okay," I decided. "I'll come home more. I guess I just didn't realize how much I was gone."

"Good," she settled. "What are you and Andy doing tomorrow?" she asked.

"She needs all new clothes, nothing fits. We're going to the mall," I said, picking my fork back up to shovel more cake into my mouth.

"That's nice of you to go with her, I'm sure it'll be really difficult for her," my mom said, taking my glass and standing.

"It's just clothes," I said. I imagined this would be the easiest thing we'd done for at least a month.

"I don't think so," she said, filling it with more milk. "This is her life, Josh. It's her body, wasted away. Nothing that is her style will fit; it's like losing a piece of herself. It's like being forced to eat caramel because you're allergic to chocolate," she compared, pointing to my plate. She set the milk down next to me. "This will be very hard."

I sighed. "I'm glad I'm sleeping here tonight," I said after a long silence.

"Me too," my mom laughed. "What time are you going to Andy's?"

"Afternoon."

"Want to go out to breakfast?" she asked, a peace offering.

"Actually," I began to beg, "will you make me chocolate chip pancakes?" I felt like a kid again.

"Sure," she smiled. She looked at the clock. "You've got some time, what are you going to do?"

"Psh, I'm going to bed now," I said, realizing for the first time in a month how exhausted I was.


	36. I'd KILL to have a body like yours

**36. I'd KILL to have a body like yours.**

"**Let's Hear It For The Boy"- Denise Williams**

"Where to first?" I asked, gripping Andy's hand.

"Uhm," she said, taking tiny steps, "Gap."

I led her down the hall to the left, arriving in front of the Gap trio: adult, kids, baby. Andy pulled me toward adult. I wasn't going to risk having my head eaten just to point out nothing would fit.

"Can I help you?" asked a sales lady.

"Nope," Andy answered, sidestepping her.

"Sorry," I whispered as Andy pulled me away.

We arrived at a rack of long skirts in multiple colors. Andy pushed through hangers, finally pulling out a swath. The tag read "XXS". She held it up to her hips. The waistband [folded in half wrapped around 2/3s of her waist.

"Maybe..." she murmured. Of course it'd fall right off, but I figured hope was something.

We grabbed multiple skirts and tee shirts and a pair of jeans and entered the dressing room. Andy stepped behind a door and emerged in a long purple skirt and a gray tee shirt. She held a fistful of fabric in her hand at her waist and through the tee-shirt you couldn't find the form of her body. She looked hopeless.

"I don't think so," she said, apparently upset.

"There's other stores," I reminded her.

"Yeah, The Children's Place. Limited Too. Justice. Just to name a few," she snapped, turning around and going back behind the door. She emerged in her original outfit. "Let's go," she said, dumping the arm-full of clothing on to a table.

Back in the hallways of the mall, Andy stared at the children's Gap.

"Andy..." I offered.

"Shut up," she said.

Andy didn't usually get mad at me and I couldn't help but feel insulted. She caught the feeling from my face.

"Sorry," she sighed. "I'm just angry. Let's go," she said, taking me by the hand.

Inside the children's Gap were a few angry little boys and multiple squealing little girls. Andy ignored them, going to the first rack that appealed to her.

"What size?" she wondered aloud.

"What's the biggest?" I tried.

"16," she said, pulling a 16 tag off of the rack. It didn't look any better than the XXS.

"Maybe a little smaller," I encouraged, hoping to ward off disappointment in the dressing room, having learned my lesson.

"Yep," she sighed. She took a 12 and a 10.

We gathered tee shirts, skirts, sweat pants, hoodies, and some jeans and went into the dressing room.

She stepped out from behind a curtain. "What do you think?" she asked. It was a blue skirt that almost touched the ground and a pink tee shirt that hugged her ribs.

"Hmm," I contemplated. To be truthful, I hated it. I hated seeing her bones, the slim shadow of a 10-year-old's skirt. I liked it better, though, than losing her in cotton. "I think it'll do."

"Size 10," she muttered. She turned and stormed back into the dressing room. She emerged, over and over, framed in tiny clothes. They fit, scarily.

At the cash register, Andy handed over 6 tee shirts, 4 skirts, a jacket, and Kate's credit card. Pants didn't work out, all too short.

"Younger sister?" said the cashier, smiling as she folded our clothes into a bag.

Andy scowled. "Um, yeah. Her birthday," I fibbed.

She looked at Andy, "Helping him find what little girls actually like?"

Andy's eyebrows contracted. "Something like that," she murmured.

"What a nice girlfriend," she oozed. "And a nice big brother," she added, handing over the paper bag. "Have a nice day."

Back in the mall, Andy took my arm and pulled it over her shoulder. I took the shopping bag from her with my free hand.

"This it?" I asked.

"Bathing suit," Andy said, quietly.

"Andy, it's going to be too hot for you to be outside too long," I tried to remind her.

Andy stopped walking for a moment, looked up at me with fierceness in her eyes and repeated. "Bathing suit."

"Alright," I sighed. "Where?"

"I... I don't know," she considered. "Department store?" she said.

"Let's try," I said, walking straight ahead, towards Belk.

Inside, in the far corner were bathing suits. Millions and billions of girls bathing suits.

Andy went to a rack and began sorting. She pulled some off but almost immediately put them back. She turned around to another rack. She pulled off at least 7 before she finally settled on one.

"Let's go," she said, crankily leading me to the dressing room.

From behind another door, emerging again, came a skeletal Andy. Starting at the top, you saw collar bones and shoulder blades, elbow knobs and wrist joints. You saw ribs and hips, a hallow stomach in between. The outline of her thigh bone rested on top of a shallow knee cap. Her ankles stuck out from her legs, the widest.

"What?" Andy asked.

I pulled my eyes away. "Nothing," I lied, terrified she'd break into pieces at any moment.

Andy turned to look at herself in a mirror. "I don't think I want to go swimming," she said.

Then, more than anything, I wanted to go swimming with her. "Why don't we just buy it, maybe you'll change your mind tomorrow," I said.

"I don't want people to see me," she said, her spiky fingers wrapped around her central line.

"We'll go on a cloudy day, no one will be there," I promised.

She thought for a moment. "Okay," she said, slipping back behind the door. She came back out in a minute, redressed.

She handed the suit to a salesperson who scanned, bagged, and charged with little conversing, the way Andy liked it.

Andy looked tired. "Lunch?" I tried, always in my quest to make her eat.

"Mmm," Andy thought. "Sure. But fast," she added.

We headed towards the food court. On our way there, we ran in to two girls from our old U.S. History class.

"Hey Josh, hey Andy," said Sara, a perky, cheer-leader type.

"Hey," I said, nudging Andy.

"Hey," she repeated, looking like she wanted to die.

"Yeah, hey," said Sara's Starbucks toting bee eff eff, Caylie.

"What are you guys doing here?" Sara bubbled.

"Oh, you know, shopping," I said, trying to hide the Kids Gap bag behind my legs.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing.

"Oh.. they... um... they ran out of Gap bags so they're using Kids Gaps," I said, nervously.

"Oh. Hey, Andy, have you been working out this summer, you've got a great body!" Sara said, reaching out to touch Andy's arm, pure admiration in her eyes.

"Uh... no... yes?..." Andy said, confused, shocked, and almost insulted.

"I'd KILL to be as thin as you," Sarah said, honestly. "Where are you guys heading?"

"Food court," I said, trying to kill the conversation.

"AND you eat fast-food? Your metabolism is God," Sarah said pointedly. "Well, bye," she said, stepping around us; Caylie followed.

Andy stood stock-still for a moment, then pressed forward.

"What a bitch," she murmured.


	37. Ice Cream Social

**37. Ice Cream Social**

I stuck my finger out, trying as hard as I could to ring the bell without jostling Andy. I succeeded.

The door pulled open. "Home already-" Kate started to say. "Oh," she whispered. She pointed up the stairs. I nodded. I carried Andy up the stairs and kicked her door open. I laid her on to her bed. I pulled off her sneakers and socks. I looked her laying there, tangled in the massive sweatpants and imagined her waking up swallowed by them. I wanted to take them off of her; they wouldn't be comfortable for her to sleep in. Would that be over the line, though? I'd seen her in the bathing suit, this wouldn't be much different. I considered for a moment then unwrapped a rubber band from the knob of fabric she had gathered around her waist, seeing how big they really were on her. I gently pulled at the elastic waistband and they slid over her hips, halfway down her thighs. She stirred, moving her arm, but she was still asleep. I pulled the pants past her knees, to her ankles, removing them one foot at a time. Her eyes remained closed. I pulled a blanket over her twig-like legs and pushed her hair out of her face. Her chest rose and fell, rose and fell, a steady beat. I turned to leave her room, finding Laura in the doorway. I jumped.

"Come to the kitchen," she whispered, gesturing me to follow.

Was I in trouble for the pants? God, that could have seemed really sick. Had I watched myself do that, I might have realized how perverted it seems. I'm taking pants off of a sleeping cancer patient. I didn't mean it like that, though. Good freaking gosh.

I stepped into the kitchen where Kate was scooping ice cream into bowls. Whipped cream, sprinkles, chocolate sauce, bananas, and chocolate chips were spread out on the counter. I hung in the doorway nervously.

"Sundae?" Kate asked. Laura stepped forward, taking a bowl of ice cream and walking towards the extras.

"Um…" I said, afraid of any kind of hidden agenda.

"C'mon," Laura said. I couldn't tell if it was an option or a demand. I grabbed a bowl. I added whipped cream and chocolate chips, then followed them to the table. Kate sat with her knees drawn to her chest, Laura sat with her head leaned against her armed propped on the table lazily. They began to eat.

"So," Kate started.

"I didn't mean it like that!" I blurted out.

They looked at each other in confusion.

"You didn't mean what like what?" Kate cautioned.

"I…" I said, looking from face to face. "Never mind. I thought you caught me taking Andy's pants off," I started. Laura gasped, Kate covered her mouth. "NO!" I shouted. "Just now," I explained. "I took off her sweatpants after I put her in bed. I thought it'd be easier to sleep," I said. "I know, I know, we're only 17, I shouldn't see her underpants, sorry," I rushed.

Kate laughed. "Josh, go for it. She keeps her underwear in her 3rd drawer."

"It was nice of you to de-pants her," Laura added. "She'd get tangled in her sleep if you didn't." She relaxed, picking her spoon back up.

"Oh…" I said. "Then what's with the ice cream?" I asked, trying not to be disrespectful.

Kate looked at Laura. "Maybe kids these days don't like ice cream anymore."

"Maybe they only like modern food. Like… cyber ice cream. I dunno," Laura responded. They were so much like Andy. They looked at me.

"You don't like ice cream?" Kate asked, taking a big spoonful of her own.

"It's really just to eat ice cream?" I asked, suspicious.

"We figured you were hungry. Boys are always hungry. And we were going to eat ice cream. So we thought you'd want to eat ice cream. You don't have to," Laura said.

"Nope, I'll eat," I said, relaxing. I scooped a mix of chocolate and chocolate chips into my mouth.

"How'd the shopping trip go?" Kate asked, stirring her sprinkles around.

"We ended up with some stuff. Andy was pretty upset though," I reported.

"We should have kept her clothes from last time. It would've been a whole lot easier on her. And you. It was really nice of you to go with her. You didn't have to, you know," Laura said.

"It was no problem," I said.

We went back to eating for a few moments.

"How was your night off?" Kate asked.

"My what?" I asked.

"You're night sleeping at home," Laura interpreted.

"Oh. It was good to have a chance to talk to my mom, sleep in my own bed, that kind of stuff. I felt guilty for leaving Andy, though," I answered truthfully.

"Oh, Josh. Don't feel like that! I mean, don't get us wrong. We love you being around. But you need a break. Andy can fend for herself," Laura said.

"Definitely," Kate nodded into her bowl.

"That's what my mom said," I responded.

"She's a therapist, right?" Laura asked.

"Yep, mainly pediatric."

"Take her advice. Go home more often. If you were my kid, I'd miss you very much if you were away as much as you are," Laura said, concerned.

"Definitely," Kate repeated.

"I was going to go home again tonight, actually, if Andy didn't mind," I said, nervously.

Kate thought for a moment. "Tomorrow morning, we go to the hospital clinic to get all her prescriptions figured out. Tonight might be a good time to take a break because she'll probably want to just hang out all day tomorrow afternoon with you; she'll be depressed."

"If you want to stay all afternoon, she means," Laura said, kicking Kate under the table.

Kate put her hand down to rub her leg. "That's what I meant," she said, giving Laura a look.

"Yeah, no problem. Can I stay the night tomorrow, then, too? It'll be her first night on all of the stuff, she might feel crappy," I rationalized.

"That'd be really sweet of you but she's probably going to be sick," Laura explained.

I thought. Puke? Nasty. Then when I thought about it relatively, I realized that even Andy's throw up would be adorable. "No problem," I answered. "What are the medicines she's getting anyway?" I asked.

"Oh, this and that. A cocktail," Kate said.

"She'll get some vitamins to cover the fact that she barely eats, some cell stimulators to help her cells reproduce faster, some antibiotics to cover any infections she might get while her immune system is low, some calories for her central line to avoid malnutrition and help her gain some weight, and some low dose oral chemo pills," Laura babbled.

"What's the chemo for?" I asked, confused. The cancer is supposed to be gone.

"Just precautionary. It's to get any final stragglers," she said. She stood up, taking her bowl and Kate's, stacking them. She pointed to mine and raised an eyebrow. I nodded. She added mine to her pile.

Kate glanced at the clock. It was only 3:30. Andy would be asleep for at least another hour. "You going home now?" she asked, not waiting for a reply. "If you want to wait till she wakes up to hangout a bit before you go, you can. There's a TV in the basement, some video games, an extensive DVD collection, or you can go just wait up in her room."

"Thanks," I said. Video games sounded really good. "I think I'll check out the basement."

"Alright," she said. "Laura and I are going to the grocery store. What's your favorite dinner?"

"Um… I'm pretty plain. Chicken fingers and French fries, hot dogs, cheeseburgers. Whatever, really. Why?" I answered.

"For tomorrow night. You'll be here for dinner, right?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Thanks," I said.

Kate got up and went to the front door. She picked up her purse from a table and grabbed keys out of it. Laura came out of the kitchen. "Down the hall, that door," she pointed. She followed Kate out the door. I heard the lock click. A moment later, I heard a car start and pull away. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a soda out of the refrigerator. I walked back out by the kitchen table. I looked at the door Laura had pointed at. I put the soda down and turned back the other way for a second. I jumped up the stairs and opened Andy's door. I leaned my head in. She had barely moved and her chest continued to rise and fall. I quietly closed the door behind me. I ran down the stairs, grabbed my soda, opened the basement door, and leaped down the stairs.

I found myself staring at a plasma big screen television. On each side, there were huge bookshelves. When I stepped forward, I found they were filled with DVDs. There were classics like Casablanca, comedies like Austin Powers, actions like Bourne Identity, and a few chick flicks like Notting Hill. "Extensive DVD collection" was an understatement. On the second book shelf, I also found some television series discs. I pulled out House M.D., season one. It was Andy's favorite show but I'd never seen it. I figured I had time to catch and episode or two.

I popped the disc into the player and grabbed the universal remote from on top of the TV. I jumped onto the couch, a wide, fluffy, leather, ultimate-man couch. I picked my soda up from the side table I'd put it on and tabbed it open. I pressed "play all" and took a swig.

They'd made me feel so at home.


	38. Penguins

**38. Penguins**

I felt my phone vibrate in my pants. Not taking my eyes from the screen, I opened it, putting it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey, where'd you go?"

Andy. Why was she calling me? I paused the television.

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm at my house," she answered in a sort of 'duh' statement.

"Alone?" I tested.

"My mom's are at the grocery store. And they usually eat out on Sunday nights so they probably won't be home for a while," she explained. That snapped my mind back. I had completely forgotten. Kate had called about an hour after they left to tell me that they'd be at dinner, to just tell Andy when she woke up or leave a note if I left before she did. Then I had finished House M.D. disc one. I had thought about Andy but figured she'd been asleep. So I put in disc 2. I checked the timer on the DVD player. I was almost to the end of that. I'd watched almost 6 hours of House.

"How long have you been awake?" I asked.

"About 4 and a half hours, I guess," Andy said.

"Hold on," I said, pushing myself off the couch. I ran up the stairs and burst out of the basement door, ran down the hall, and appeared at the kitchen table. Andy screamed.

"Good friggin gosh, Josh," she said, snapping her phone shut. "You could have told me you were going to pop out of effing no where!"

"Sorry," I said. I began to laugh. "I've been in your basement almost 6 hours. I was watching television, waiting for you to wake up. I lost track of time."

"You FORGOT about me?" she asked.

"No… no… not like that. I thought about you, I just figured you were sleeping, I didn't realize it had been so long-" I said, caught in a bad situation again.

"Just kidding," she said. She turned back to the bowl in front of her. It was filled with Fruit Loops. "Don't come any closer," she said, shoveling cereal into her mouth. "I don't have pants on," she explained, point-blank.

"I know. I took your pants off," I said, slyly smiling. I began to walk towards her.

"Shut up," she said, not believing it for a second.

"Hmm… penguins was it?" I teased.

Andy's mouth fell open. "Leave my pants alone!" she yelled.

"Andy, c'mon, did you really want to sleep in your sweatpants? You would have suffocated," I said, still slowly moving towards her.

Andy jumped up and ran so she was on the opposite side of the table from me. She crouched so that I couldn't see her bottom half. "Stop," she warned. I stopped.

"I was just kidding, Andy," I explained. I looked at the clock, it was almost 9:30. "I have to go home."

"No! Stay! You can see my underwear!" she said, jumping up in the air. I was able to see the waistband of her penguins over the edge of the table.

"No," I laughed. "I've got to go."

"Please?" Andy said. She began to walk around the table towards me. She appeared on my side. She had on the same tee-shirt. Her stilt-like legs fell out of the leg-holes in her underwear and into a pair of slippers shaped like The Grinch. "Stay," she begged.

"I'll be back tomorrow," I promised, oddly not feeling my usual guilt.

"I have to go to-" she started.

"Clinic in the morning," I finished. "I'll be back after that."

"Promise?" she sighed.

"Promise."

Andy walked to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. She took a deep breath and as she exhaled, her body pushed into mine. I put one arm around her waist. My other hand, I placed her back, rubbing in circles. Then the idea came at me, almost knocking me over.

I rubber her back in circles, small circles, moving progressively downwards. My hand went from ribs, to sway, to lower back, until my hand was grazing the band of her underwear. With my next circle, my fingers brazed right through the barrier, the very tips of my fingernails reaching under the then elastic.

"Josh," Andy said. It was confusion, excitement, warning, suggestive, and begging all at once.

One more circle, moving no higher or lower.

"See you tomorrow," I whispered into her ear. I turned to walk down the hall and out the front door.

Andy sighed, moaning. "Josh, we really need some time."

I turned the knob and stepped into the night air. I unlocked my car and drove home for my night off.


	39. Illogical

**39. Illogical **

"**Banana Pancakes"-Jack Johnson**

"Hey, Kyle," I said, walking into the house.

"Hey, Josh. How was your day?" Kyle said. He had been writing something down but now he put his pencil aside.

"Well, after the disastrous shopping trip, Andy was asleep so I went to go put her in her bed and got caught by her moms," I said, over dramatizing. I always had to out do myself next to boy genius.

"There was nothing for them to be mad about," Kyle rationalized.

"I never said they were mad," I explained.

"Your tone of voice implied that they were mad to find you putting Andy in bed. But where else would they want you to put her. So they weren't mad," Kyle explained.

"Yeah, except I took her pants off. Then we ate ice cream and I watched their TV until Andy woke up," I said.

Kyle paused, even his high-tech brain couldn't process this illogical progression. "Nicole is in her office," he said, brushing off our awkward conversation.

"Okay. You guys eat dinner?" I asked.

"She and Stephen went out. You?" he asked.

"Nope. Let's make banana pancakes," I offered.

"Pancakes?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah, let's go," I said. Pancakes sounded like a good idea.

---

"Hey, boys," my mom said, walking in to the kitchen.

"Hey," Kyle and I said at the same time.

"Need help?" she said, checking out the mess on the counter.

"Nope," I said, adding another pancake to the stack on a plate. Kyle came behind me wiping up crumbs that had fallen off of the griddle.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" she asked me.

"Andy gets new meds. I figured I'd go hang out with her while she feels so crappy," I said, nervous I was going to upset her.

"That's very nice of you, Josh," she said. She pointed to the massive heap of pancakes. "Can I have one?"

"Go for it," Kyle said from the refrigerator where he was getting syrup. He took out 3 plates, 3 cups, syrup, and milk, setting it on the table. I carried the pancakes over.

We sat there long past the breakfast food being gone, talking, laughing, as if I'd never been hit with cancer.


	40. Don't lie to me

**40. Don't lie to me.**

"**Sorry"-Maria Mena**

"Andy?" I asked.

"Yeah, why aren't you here yet?" her voice echoed into the phone.

"I'm turning onto your block, be there in a second," I said snapping my phone shut.

I pulled into her driveway and walked up to the door. Andy was in the window, looking tired. Her central line was hooked to a cloudy bag. She let me inside.

"Let's go take a nap," she said.

"I just woke up," I pointed out. "How about I help you up to your room so you can take a nap and I'll watch TV until you get up."

Andy groaned. "Josh, you're an idiot."

"What?" I said, completely oblivious.

"I don't want to take a nap, really," she whisper yelled.

"OHHHH," I said, getting the hint. "While you're hooked up to calories?" I said, grabbing the IV bag.

"Josh, please…I'm 17, I have needs," she said, desperately.

"Let's go watch TV," I said, ignoring her, taking her by the hand and leading her towards the kitchen. "You have lunch?" She shook her head. "Cool. So my specialty is grilled cheese. Sound good?" Even Andy couldn't resist a boy that cooked.

"Fine. But I want extra cheese," she said, pointing a finger in my direction.

"Alright, grouchy," I responded. Andy was mighty testy.

"SORRY!" she yelled, unable to control herself. "I'm just really damn sick, you know? You didn't HAVE cancer! You WATCHED cancer!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I said, backing out of the refrigerator. "I didn't mean it like that, Andy. I just mean that you're awfully upset that I don't want to put my hand down your pants while you're hooked up on a central line. I know, I know, that's a really magical way to lose your hand virginity, but it's not my ideal," I said, leaning against the counter.

Andy took a few huffy breaths. "Grilled cheese," she demanded.

I turned back to the fridge and took out cheese and butter. I guessed a drawer beneath the stove and found a frying pan. Bread was already on the counter. "Andy, I know this is hard for you, but you need to calm down. You've yelled at me for 2 days straight," I said, unable to take it anymore myself.

Last night I had explained to my mom how angry Andy had been at the shopping trip and how immature she had been when I'd tried to leave. Of course, as my mother, she is partial to my cause, but she told me to stop taking it. I realized she was right, if Andy yelled at me everyday and I let her, soon I'd have to walk away.

"Hey," she snapped. "I'm not yelling."

"Andy," I started, calmly. I dropped butter into the pan. "You know I love you. Why else would I risk burning your house down by making grilled cheese? But it's hard on me, too. I know this whole thing is harder on you than it is on me, but I'm trying. I'm sorry, but now, I don't want to 'take a nap', okay?" adding bread and cheese.

Andy was silent, watching my hands. Her breaths were rapid, then slower. She finally looked up at me. "Sorry. Let's watch TV."

"Let's," I said. I handed her a stack of two plates. On top of them were 2 grilled cheeses. In her other hand, I handed her 2 sodas. I took her pole and wheeled it behind her to the basement door where I carried it down the stairs.

"House?" she asked, setting the plates down.

"Sounds good," I said leaving her pole by the couch and setting up the DVD. I sat back on the couch with her, offering out my arm. Instead, Andy crawled in my lap. Her back was to my chest, her legs extended. She handed me a plate and dumped one of the grilled cheeses onto it. She leaned her head back so that it was on my shoulder and took a bite of her own.

"Can I sit here?" she asked.

"Please, do," I laughed, hitting play.

---

"Josh," Andy coughed into the toilet. "Go to my dresser and get a syringe and a vile of Ativan. It should say 20 mg on it in big numbers. Bring them in here, please," she begged, sitting back, leaning up against the tub.

I turned and walked across the hall, nervous. I searched through vials and found 2 that said ativan. I grabbed the one that said 20 mg. I searched the boxes, finding one full of syringes. I grabbed a sterile one, taking the items back to Andy. She grabbed at them desperately, quickly drawing out some liquid and inserting it via central line.

"Josh, I'm going to fall asleep within the next 30 minutes. You don't have to stay the night," she said, her breathing able to become steadier.

"No, I'm staying," I confirmed.

"Thanks," Andy smiled through her weary eyes. She quickly lurched forward, hugging the toilet seat, dry-heaving into the bowl. There was nothing left to let out. "This sucks."

"I know, I know," I soothed. I sat down next to her. I grabbed a towel from the counter and wiped her mouth. "How many days does this last?" I asked.

"If I'm lucky, only until morning," she said. She leaned her head back, letting her neck relax. "I think I'm done for now."

"Bed?" I asked.

"No, I think I want to sleep right here," she said, curling up around the toilet.

"Alright," I said, settling my back up against the wall. "We'll sleep here."

In a few minutes Andy was asleep. I took the syringe and vial from near her legs and placed them on the counter to avoid accident. I put the toilet lid down and went to her room. I grabbed one of Andy's blanket and a pillow. I wrapped Andy in the cotton and wedged the pillow under her head. I resettled myself for a long night.

---

I could hear Andy's phone vibrate against the cold tile. I looked at the screen. "Paul cell" it read.

"Andy?" I said, testing to see if she was partly awake.

"Yep?" she answered almost immediately.

"You still awake?" I asked. She had only been trying to fall asleep for about 3 minutes since her last puking episode.

"Yep," she said, extending her hand to take the phone. She hit talk without looking at the caller ID. "Hello?" she asked. Her face filled with frown. "Don't lie to me, who is this?" she begged. "STOP IT!" she yelled, sitting up quickly. "No, Paul, this isn't you!" she screamed, tears beginning to stream down her face. "You can't disappear from me! From our mom's and just call one night because you've found your way home!" Andy said, collapsing to the floor, panting cries suffocating her.


	41. Trace

**41. Trace**

"**Nobody Knows Me At All"-The Weepies**

"So…" Paul said. He was sitting on one side of the table, Andy and I next to each other on the other side. At one head sat Kate and the other Laura. Paul, Kate, Laura, and I had our hands folded on the table. Andy had hers folded in her lap.

Paul had rusty blonde hair. He wasn't thin nor thick, he was a settlement in between. He looked strong, but not overly strong. His eyes were a glazy blue and they were tired. That had that little glint of defeat, like Andy's, but an overwhelming strength, also like Andy's. He was wearing a plain gray tee-shirt with a stripe of mud over the side and a tear in the bottom hem. His jeans were ripped in one knee, faded in the seat. He had a backpack on the floor. It was black, the bottom was stained with red clay. It wasn't bulging, but it looked like it had definite weight. Paul had carried it protectively until he had sat down.

"So…" Kate offered, more optimistic.

"Let's go," Andy said, grabbing me by the hand, trying to pull me out of my seat.

"Andy, please," Laura said, a single tear weaved a path down her cheek, bombing onto the table-top.

I didn't budge. Andy stared at the tiny puddle on the wood for a moment and sat back down. Silence ensued for another minute. Andy scooted her chair closer to mine. She picked up my arm and slid her shoulders up against my side. She held my hand with both of hers and pulled my muscles tight around her body.

I had wanted to leave. This wasn't my place. But Andy needed me. So I'd helped her down the stairs. Then I went up and shook Kate awake, telling her all I knew. That Paul had found his way home. She had gasped, jumping out of bed, flicking a light on. She flew to the other side of the bed, pulling Laura out of bed to tell her the news. After a whirlwind and a doorbell, he'd arrived here. And I was still here. Because Andy still needed me.

"So," Kate said, officially. "Paul."

"Yeah, mom?" Paul said. He turned his head towards Kate, his long hair grazing across his eyebrows like a broom. He felt no shame, no embarrassment. He looked as though he made his grand entrance in the middle of the night all the time.

"How… are you?" she offered.

"I'm good," Paul answered, drumming his fingers on the table. He wasn't impatient, just fidgety.

"That's nice," Andy spat, forming icicles. She stared daggers at him.

"How are you?" Paul said to Andy, either oblivious to the blizzard or ignoring it.

"Peachy," Andy barked, lurching forward, nearly pulling my arm from my shoulder.

"Andy, please," Laura begged again. Andy sat back a little, taking her eyes from Paul and gluing them to my face. I could feel her eyes begging me to make up an excuse to leave the table, but I couldn't face her. My glance was stolen by Paul.

Everyone was silent for a moment.

"Where have you been?" Kate said, trying to hold on to her composure.

"L.A.," Paul answered.

"For 2 years?" Laura gasped, finding significant words for the first time.

My jaw dropped about a foot. He had been gone for 2 years? I hadn't really thought about it. I guess I must have known it'd been at least 4 months because I don't think he's been around while I've known Andy.

"Why didn't you write more?" Kate demanded.

"I had to get away. That's why I wasn't here in the first place," he replied. He didn't look sorry, although I got the feeling he should have.

"But one letter? Just one? 'I'm okay, I'll find my way home, don't come looking for me'? What kind of mothers do you think we are?" she screamed, rambling the letter having apparently memorized it long ago.

"Let's just forget about it, Mom," Paul said, looking almost ashamed. Almost.

Kate shed her first tear and Laura continued to let hers attack the table.

"Why don't you just leave?!" Andy screamed, suddenly. She flew up to her feet. I placed a hand around her waist, trying to hold her back from jumping across the table to attack him. "You can't leave one day because it's too much for you! That's so damned selfish, Paul. It was a fucking lot to us, too! You can't send one damned letter telling us you're okay. We had cops, Paul. We had investigators. What the hell is wrong with you? You knew we wouldn't just not 'come looking for' you! So why don't you fucking leave, again? Walk out the damned door!" Andy screamed, emotions shaking her body. She was banging a fist on the table, the other hand clawing at me, trying to make me release her.

"Andy, I'm so sorry," Paul said, finally showing some humility. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you and Trace. But I'm here now, I'm going to stay," he said. He sounded convincing to me, but I didn't know him.

"Leave!" Andy screamed again, once again shifting her weight forward. I almost lost my grasp around her body but, thankfully, regained it. I had a quick thought of what Andy might do if I let go, but brushed it aside, never one for gore.

"Andy, please, I want to be here for you. Losing Trace must've been hard on you, I know, and I'm so, so sorry I wasn't here to mourn the loss of our brother with you. But I'm here, now. I'm back," Paul said, reaching out his hand to try and place it on top of Andy's fist to calm her.

"Don't you dare speak of Trace!" Andy screeched. She banged her fist down on top of his hand, hard. A sound similar to wood cracking echoed through the room. "Don't you ever dare speak of Trace again! You're not our brother! Not anymore!" With her last syllable, she broke from my grasp, slipping out from the chair. She disappeared from the room, becoming a part of the hallway's darkness. In a moment, we heard her angry footsteps on the stairs, then her stomping towards her room. A door slammed.

Paul blinked his newly resized eyes and then folded his arms on the table, burying his head. "Kate," Laura said, casting a glance at me.

Kate looked at me with apologetic eyes. I took them gladly and she could tell. "You wouldn't mind?" she asked.

"If you think it'd be okay," I answered.

"I think it'd be best," Laura said, her eyes downcast.

I nodded, pushing my chair back from the table. I stood, walking towards the hallway.

"And you are?" Paul asked from under his arms, just as I reached the doorway.

"I'm," I stuttered, "I'm Josh."

"Oh. Okay," he said, sitting up, his eyes damp. He held his crushed hand with the other, in pain.


	42. Go

**42. Go**

"**I Want You Around"- Fountains of Wayne**

"Andy?" I said, cracking open her door. "Andy?" I didn't see her anywhere.

"Leave me alone!" she sobbed, somewhere from within her bed.

"Andy, come out from in there," I begged. "You're going to choke."

"Leave me alone," she warned.

I walked to the bed, first pulling off pillows. I found a web of blankets and gently tried to unfold them. I found a leg, an arm, a back, and finally a head.

"GO!" she yelled, taking a blanket back from me and covering her face, flopping back down.

Again, I pulled the blankets off of her, taking them out from around her legs and unwrapping her arms. She laid there in the fetal position, bare. I picked her up and sat down on her bed, putting my back up to the wall. I laid her across my lap so that her shoulder and cheek pushed against my abdomen; her head fit perfectly below mine. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her close.

"Let's just sit here a while," I cooed.

Andy's rail-thin body convulsed against me. She gasped for air in between her deafening moans. Her tears covered her cheeks and soaked my shirt. She was rigid.

"Go," she said, apparently not meaning it anymore, as she went limp like a rag doll.


	43. Triplets

**43. Triplets**

"I hate him," Andy said. It was actually the first thing she had said since "go". Since then, she'd cried, cried more, the garage had opened and shut, a car had pulled away, she had cried, then stopped. It had been at least 2 hours.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to know why, but didn't think I should ask. I felt like now it was too late to ask. All those weeks ago, when Andy had mentioned brothers, I hadn't asked, even remembered. I should've remembered.

Andy sat back and wrapped her arms around my neck for support. She looked into my lap. "He ran away, you know. 2 years ago. He told us he was going to his friend's house for the weekend. That Monday, we got a letter that he was okay and we shouldn't come looking for him," she said. She fell limp again, pushing back up against my torso, as if saying that much exhausted her. I rubbed my hand up and down her back.

"That must've been horrible," I offered. I tried to imagine losing Lori like that, but couldn't.

After a moment, she leaned back again. "We hired investigators, got the cops out. His friends said they knew he had planned to run away but didn't know where. We couldn't find him. After 6 months, we stopped trying," she sighed, leaning back against me for another break. "He left after…" she attempted. "After…" she tried again, as tears welled up in her eyes, one falling, splashing onto my jeans.

"Let's just sit here for a little while," I offered as I pulled her back closer to me. She looked in to my eyes briefly, full of relief. She collapsed against me, sobbing again.

---

I raked my fingers through Andy's hair, over and over. Every once in a while, she'd allow a hum to escape, but she was generally quiet. Finally, her breath steadied and I could tell she was asleep.

With my mind finally able to stop worrying about Andy's quivering skeleton, I thought about the last 4 hours. So Paul had called and we all convened at the table. I found out that Paul had run away 2 years ago after Trace had died. Trace was their brother. Andy didn't want Paul to be her brother anymore. And then Andy explained how they looked for him.

Trace. Andy had another brother. How had he died? How old was he? Was he biological? Was Paul even biological? I knew, technically, Kate was Andy's mother and her father was a sperm donor. She had never looked for him before; she felt she didn't need a father. And I knew that she felt just as close to Laura as to Kate, to her there was no difference. But what about Paul and Trace?

The grumble of the garage shook the house and after a moment, I heard the door open. I heard keys drop to the table and Kate's voice, though I couldn't hear what she said. Chairs screeched against the hardwood floor. I heard them talking. They talked for about 15 minutes. The chairs screeched again. I heard 6 feet on the stairs. Then, Laura was guiding Paul past Andy's doorway.

"We left your room exactly the same," I heard her whisper. She opened the door next to the bathroom. It'd always been closed but it never crossed my mind.

Kate followed behind her and leaned in Andy's doorway.

"Josh," she said, her voice drenched in sorry.

"You're welcome," I said.

"You can..." she trailed, her eyes drifting towards the stairs.

I pointed at Andy. "I'll stay the night."

Kate looked at me for a moment. Her eyes were so sorrowful, so heavy. She looked confused, upset, tired, but so excited. I carefully moved Andy to the side, sliding her onto the bed. I propped her head onto her pillow and covered her bones with her blue fleece blanket. She stirred, moaning softly, as if in massive pain. Then she was still again.

I walked to Kate, who was still in the doorway. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, holding her strongly. It wasn't weird, it wasn't awkward. It was what was necessary.

She stiffened, then relaxed, wrapping her arms gently around my waist, pressing her cheek up against my shoulder. We stood there for about a minute.

"You're so good to her," Kate whispered, stepping back.

"It's no problem," I said.

"Paul…" she started. Then paused, biting her bottom lip. "Want something to eat?"

"Sure," I said.

---

The microwave clock read 5:30 am. Kate stood at the counter, smearing peanut butter onto bread. She placed the slice on top of a jellied-one and handed it to me, starting on another peanut butter slice.

"So…" she said.

My mind snapped back to the table meeting. I pulled it back quickly, though, and returned to the kitchen. "So," I repeated.

"Paul is Andy's brother," she said, apparently preparing for an explanation. "Actually, her triplet," she added.

My jaw fell, smacking to the floor. Paul was her triplet?

"Trace was the third," she continued.

Was?

"But he passed on 2 years ago," she kept going.

"I'm so sorry," I said, feeling as though I'd just been hit by a brick wall.

"From brain cancer," she finished.

Like Andy, I added in my head.

"The same type as Andy," she verified.

I leaned up against the counter, feeling woozy. "I'm so sorry," I said again. I couldn't think of anything else; I didn't feel anything else.

"You want me to give you a ride home?" Kate said, putting her hand on my arm, stabilizing me. She was apparently concerned.

"I, um, want to sleep on the couch," I said, needing sleep now. I didn't know if I'd make it home.

"Let me help you," she said, wrapping my arm around her shoulder, grabbing me by the waist, supporting my weight. We made our way to the family room. Kate helped me to lie on the couch, helping me lift my legs onto the cushions. She picked up my head, placing a pillow beneath it. She laid a blanket over me, tucking it in at the sides. I felt paralyzed.

Kate leaned down and kissed me on the forehead, the entire scene being very "5 year old being put to bed." She turned and walked towards the stairs. She stepped onto the first step, gripping the banister. She turned back to me.

"I'm so sorry," she said, then turned back and disappeared up the stairs.

I lied stunned for a moment, then closed my eyes.

That's all I remember about that night.


	44. Chicken Nuggets

**44. Chicken Nuggets**

"I broke his hand," Andy whispered as we sat, tangled on the basement couch.

"I know," I said, just as astonished.

"No, like, I really broke it. Bad," she said, guilty.

"It's okay," I said. "It's just a hand."

---

"Bite," I said, holding a chicken nugget up to Andy's mouth. She leaned forward taking a bite slowly. "Alright, continue."

"So Trace went into surgery and they thought they got all of the tumor out. But it grew back. Fast. And they tried all kinds of chemo but there was nothing they could do," Andy finished. She sounded stronger than she had last night, more sure, but still afraid.

"Bite," I said again, holding the other half of the chicken nugget to her mouth. She leaned forward, pulling at my arms, taking it with her mouth. "And…"

"And Paul was really upset. We all were. But Paul couldn't stand it. He said he was going to sleep at his friends for the weekend. And then we got that note," Andy gulped. She apparently felt more pulled together after having slept. She had volunteered all this information. She hadn't talked to Paul since running away from the table. "The cops said there was no evidence to believe he had been kidnapped. They wrote it off as a runaway situation. He had 2 days to travel, though. We never caught up."

"Bite," I said, holding another nugget to her mouth. She leaned forward again, sinking her teeth into a corner. She was on my lap, her feet just to the left of my legs, together, her knees at her chest. Her left shoulder dug into my chest. Her left arm wrapped around my back, holding tight, her right resting gently on my stomach as if for stability. I had my right arm around her back, holding her upright, my left hand reaching to the food.

"So he's going to live here," Andy said, more of a guess.

"This is where he belongs. He's your brother," I reminded her.

"Sort of," she sighed.

"Maybe you could just listen to him," I tried. "Maybe his sorry will be deep enough to be accepted."

"No, I don't think so," she decided. "I don't think he's too sorry. He didn't seem sorry last night."

"He was probably just nervous. He hadn't been home in a long time."

"That," Andy said pointedly, "is his fault."

"Bite," I said again.

"I'm full," Andy said, distracted.

"Bite," I repeated.

Andy hummed and leaned in, biting again.

"What if I eat so many chicken nuggets that I'm too big to fit on your lap?"

"I'll make room," I ensured. "I'll always make room for you."

---

"Hey," Paul said, lingering in the doorway.

"Hey," I said, mostly to encourage Andy.

"Hi," Andy whispered, looking at a spot on the wall next to Paul.

"You want to talk?" Paul asked, looking at Andy.

Andy's fingernails dug into my leg and she pressed her body up against mine, hard. "Nope," she said, not moving her eyes.

I rubbed my hand in circles on Andy's back, pushing her forward a little. "Go," I whispered.

"Nope," she repeated.

"Andy, you're going to have to do this. Go," I tried to persuade.

Andy turned to look at me. Her eyes looked as if I were begging her to enter a lion's den. She leaned forward a little, cocking her head forward as if to ask for reassurance.

"Go," I whispered, giving her a last little push.

Andy got up and walked up the stairs, pausing at the top one, looking at Paul. She glided by him on to the main floor. Paul watched me for a moment more, then turned and followed her.

---

"Hey," Andy said quietly from the doorway, startling me. I whipped my head around, seeing her lean against the arch, Paul standing a few feet behind her.

"Hey," I said, searching for the emotion she wore.

Andy paused for a second, inhaling, then bolted down the stairs, running around the couch, and jumping into my lap, burying her face in my shirt, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"Whoa," I calmed her.

"Is he still there?" she asked quietly.

I turned, seeing Paul standing at the top stair, staring back at me. He turned, quickly, and disappeared onto the main floor, around the corner.

"No," I said, pulling my fingers through her hair. It flowed like water.

"Good," Andy said, her body folding a little more as she began to breathe.

"Was it that bad?" I asked, concerned.

"No, I'm just tired," Andy answered with truth.

"Let's just…" I started.

"Sit here," she confirmed.


	45. Powdered Sugar

**45. Powdered Sugar**

"Hey," Andy said, casually.

"Hell...o…" I said, trying to figure out what she was doing.

We must have fallen asleep on the couch. Andy had taken the hem of my shirt and pulled it up past my stomach, my ribs, and almost up to my shoulders. She had laid her head on my bare torso, running her fingers up and down the muscle lines of my abs.

"Hello?" I tried again.

"Yeah, hey" Andy said again as if she weren't stripping me.

"What… are we doing today?" I said as I dropped my arm to the ground feeling around for my phone. I picked it up, lighting the screen. 3 missed calls from home.

"Hmm… let's go swimming," Andy considered.

I dropped my hand back to the ground, my phone sliding beneath my fingers. "What?"

"Swimming, like, at a swimming pool."

"Yeah, but, today? Don't you think today would be a good day to just hang out here with, you know, your, uhm, family?" I said, trying not to moan as the ends of her hair grazed the skin right above my jeans.

"Nope, today would be a good day to swim, though." She dragged her fingers in circles over my side, finding a place that made me soft, swaying back and forth at that point.

"Okay," I said, too distracted by this teasing to think about the pool. "Let's go."

"Well," Andy said, taking her finger from my side, leaving a tickled spot, "It's 4 am. So not now. But later, yes, let's go."

I saw where she was pointing. The clock read 4:07. "Alright," I said, taking her hand and leading it back to my stomach. "Later."

---

"Josh?!" My mom cried frantically.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Where are you?" she begged.

"Andy's. It's been really crazy over here. I couldn't slip away. I'm so sorry," I said.

"You could've just called!" she said, a little more relaxed.

"Well, I'm coming home for a little while, can we talk?" I hoped.

"Oh… sure," she gasped, briefly forgetting her anger, excited to be opened up to.

"Thanks," I'll be home in 15.

---

"Mom?" I echoed into the foyer.

"I'm in here," she called from the kitchen.

"Hey," I said, walking toward her. She was standing over the stove.

"Hey. I thought French toast would be suitable for a conversation," she said. "Want to grab the powder sugar?" she nodded towards the cabinet.

I grabbed the sugar and a glass, filling it with milk for me. In a mug, I poured some hot water from the whistling kettle and dropped in a tea bag. I caught a whiff of the rancid steam.

"Horse piss," I muttered under my breath, taking the drinks to the table. My mom followed behind me with 2 plates, each piled with French toast.

She sat down, settling herself, stirring her tea and sprinkling the sugar. She watched as I finished blanketing my French toast in the snow-like powder and picked up my fork, digging in, remembering that I was starving.

"So," she offered.

"So," I gulped down the piece of bread, preparing myself.

---

"And… he's just… back," my mom tried to recollect.

"I guess so," I said, holding my breath for a second, then released.

"Well," my mom considered. "This could be good for Andy."

"How? Her asshole brother comes back out of nowhere with no cares about how she feels. This is horrible," I said. I wasn't sure this is what I really felt about Paul but it was my original instinct.

"Andy needs to see that some things turn out right," she said, reaching her hand out to mine, searching my face.

"What… what are you talking about? Things turn out okay."

"You mean the way her brother passed away? Or her tumor returning?" she said gently.

I thought about this for a second. Not much worked out for Andy. Everything seemed to go completely wrong.

"I guess so," I said, realizing it might be the best phrase for the next few days.

My mom lifted the last piece of French toast from her plate and dumped it on mine, shaking powder sugar to cover it.

After a moment, "What are you guys up to today?"

"She wants to go swimming," I said, cutting a square of French toast off.

My mom inhaled sharply.

"What?" I asked, oblivious.

"Josh, can she even float anymore? Last time I saw her she was stick and bones, she didn't have enough muscle to hold herself up in the water. Nor enough fat to keep her warm. The water's sure to be cool today, it's really cloudy."

"I'll watch closely. Plus she's gained some weight. She's still thin, but she's been eating. It'll be fine. I'll watch closely," I ensured. I took another bite of my breakfast. "I'll watch closely," I repeated for a third time.

"Alright," my mom said, confidently. "I'll clear, you go get ready."

I got up to walk out of the room. I was halfway up the stairs when I thought.

"Hey, mom, when does Lori get back?"

"Today," she smiled, happy I remembered. "I pick her up around 7."

"We could all do… dinner," I offered.

"Yeah, sounds good," she smiled, rinsing my glass out. "I'll pick you up from Andy's at 7:30?"

"Yeah, sounds good," I said. I watched her for a moment, glowing, happy to have all her babies home again, then I took the stairs two at a time to get my bathing suit.

---

"What took you so long?" Andy yelled, running off of the front stoop. She yanked at the passenger door, plunking into the passenger seat. She gave me a stern look.

"I ate breakfast with my mom," I replied.

"Your mom…" Andy trailed off, wheels in her head turning. "Maybe she can… you know… talk to Paul. You know. About what he did. And why."

"Yeah, I think she can," I said, shifting into reverse. I thought to myself what a good idea that was. My mom always knew what to say.

I wrapped my arm past Andy and pulled her seat belt across her, snapping it in. Then I brushed away a piece of hair I had dragged across her face. I cast one last glance at her front door. Kate looked out, smiling. I gave her a little wave; she blushed, and disappeared.


	46. Hott

**46. Hott**

"**Shimmy Shimmy Quarter Turn"- Hellogoodbye**

Andy let out a cat call.

"What?" I said a little embarrassed.

"You looked good at 4 am, but there must've still been sleep in my eyes, because you didn't look that good," Andy admired, reaching her slim fingers out, trailing them down my torso.

Admittedly, I'm pretty buff. I'm not going to deny that you can see my muscles. But it is a little embarrassing to have you girlfriend glue her eyes to your abs.

"You're… hott," Andy said, almost stunned.

"I wasn't hott before?" I joked.

"You were cute before. The whole kissing the top of my head, holding my hand, letting me sit on your lap. That distracted me from appearance and pulled me into personality. But now…" Andy said, flattening her hand over my belly button, then pulling away, tearing her eyes from my abs to my face, "you're hott."

Andy hooked her thumbs into the top of her shorts, paused, and then slipped them over her hips and down her legs, stepping out of them. She blushed for a moment, before sliding her tee shirt over her head, disposing of it to a beach chair. She crossed her arms across her chest, embarrassed, then defiantly dropped them to her side and planted her feet strongly.

I bit my tongue. Andy had gone from bones to beautiful in the last 2 weeks. The chicken nuggets were paying off.

Andy's shoulders had gone from pointy to soft. Her collar bone still stuck out, but in that way that made you want to lean in and kiss it. Her ribs showed faintly but they were easy to overlook as your eyes picked up on her filled out hips. Her knees still reached out around her legs, but they didn't look as though they would break. They looked as though they'd be good to have wrapped around your body. Her arms had softened. They looked perfect to grip and pull her close by.

"Josh," Andy said, snapping her fingers. She looked serious, then smiled. She sauntered forward, super-model style.

Andy leaned into my ear, whispering "Attractive?" She gently kissed the tip of my ear, pulling away for a moment, as I could feel her hot breath tickling. She leaned back for a moment, looking into my eyes. She smiled mischievously, turned, took my hand, thrusting me forward and I fell into the pool.

I plunged underwater, submerged in the cold water. I could still feel her kiss at my ear.

"Zits…" I whispered into the water. "Old people."

When I felt recovered, I skimmed to the surface. Andy was stooped over the side of the pool.

"I was getting nervous you didn't know how to swim," Andy laughed.

She looked beautiful, the glow back in her eyes, the fear having escaped her body. I pushed up against the wall of the pool, bringing a puddle of water onto the deck. I leaned into Andy's ear, nibbling at the point. I pulled away, Andy moaned. "Tease much?" I whispered.

I bent my arms, dropping back into the pool. Andy's eyes sparkled.

"Hm," she hummed in satisfaction.

Then, quick as a wink, I pulled my arm from the water, taking Andy's hand, dragging her into the water with me.

---

"Josh," Andy begged. She had her arms linked over the edge of the pool, pouting.

"Andy," I whined back.

"Do you really have to go?" she asked, drawing patterns with the water.

"Yes, I really do," I said. I could still taste Andy on my tongue.

"She's just your sister," she said.

I dropped my towel back onto the chair and walked to the edge of the pool. I leaned down, dangling both my arms over Andy. She reached up, taking each of my hands in her own. I pulled her straight up, hanging her over the cement, then lowered her to the ground. She immediately fell forward, wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Can't we just swim?" she asked.

"We've been swimming for almost 4 hours," I laughed, pushing her back.

"No," she corrected. "We've been making out for almost 4 hours. We never got around to swimming."

"That was your decision," I said, reaching back down to my towel, being newly soaked.

"What time is your dinner with Lori?"

"7:30," I said, rubbing my stomach with the towel.

"It's only 4:30! Why are you leaving?"

"Because, beside dinner, your moms are expecting us back at… oh look, 30 minutes ago," I said, checking my watch to verify the time.

"We can call," she offered.

"Or, we could go back to your house to shower," I said.

Andy's mouth dropped, then she smirked.

"I meant separately," I defended. "To be clean, you know?"

"Yep," Andy said, reaching past me to grab a towel. She wrapped it around herself.

I sat back onto the chair and Andy sunk on top of me. She leaned forward, melting her mouth against mine.

"Andy-" I tried.

"Just a little more," she whispered, rolling her tongue back up to mine.

---

"ANDY!" I screamed, catching a glimpse at her watch from the corner of my eye.

"What?" Andy leaned back, breathing for the first time in a while.

"It's 6:44," I said, pushing her to stand so I could get up.

"No it's not, we just-" she started, then looked herself. "God," she said. "Time flies when you're having fun. And by fun I mean your tongue in my mouth."

"I have dinner," I reminded her.

"Oh!" she remembered. "Let's go," she said, grabbing my hand and pulling me forward.

I grabbed the towels and my phone and followed Andy to my car.

I fell into the driver's side, Andy a little more gracefully into the passenger. I turned the key, all of a sudden feeling Andy's breath on my cheek.

"Andy," I warned.

"Just one more," she promised, catching my lips, holding for a second, then pulling away. "Okay, drive, man."


	47. You hate vanilla

**47. You hate vanilla.**

"Hey," Lori said, stepping out of the passenger seat. She paused for a moment as though unsure of what to do.

"Hey, Lori," I said, stepping forward, hugging her. Lori smiled, relaxing.

She leaned back to look at me, "How are you?" she asked, emphasis on the 'are'.

"I'm good, how was the convention?" I said, opening the back door.

"Well… actually…" Lori started. She turned to look at our mom in the driver's seat. "I'll tell you at dinner. But good."

"Hey, Kyle," I said as I shut the door on us.

"Hey," Kyle said, offering his fist. I knocked mine against his as my mom shifted into reverse and backed out of Andy's driveway.

I looked back at the window of Andy's house. Andy stood there, her hand up against the glass. She lifted her shirt, revealing her smooth stomach, her flat belly button. She smiled, a hidden agenda behind her eyes. She turned and walked away from the window, wagging her butt back and forth.

My mom had caught Kyle in a conversation and they were busy watching each other in the rear view mirror. Lori, though, caught it.

"So... How's Andy?" Lori asked, wiggling around in her seat, smirking at me.

"Andy's fine," I said, pretending not to notice Lori's eyes.

Lori paused for a moment, glancing at our mom, and turning back around the other way. "She sure looks fine," she giggled, then repositioned herself sitting forward.

After our last conversation, I had figured Lori and I were on good terms. I guess some things never change.

"So, Mom, I hear you let Josh sleep with Andy," Lori cooed.

I kicked the back of Lori's seat, hard, and she shoved forward. "Hey!" she yelled.

"Cut it out, you two," Mom said, her eyes fixed as we turned onto the main road. "Lori, Andy's going through a lot. Josh is responsible enough to sleep at her house, Andy needs it," she said. We pulled to a red light and stopped. She swiveled in her seat, "Right, Josh?" she asked as if she were second-guessing herself, maybe I wasn't responsible enough.

"Right," I confirmed, pointing to the light that had now turned green.

She swung back, pressing the gas.

"SO," I said, in dire need of a subject change, "where are we eating?"

"59th," Kyle said.

"That's a little... upscale," I said, realizing for the first time that I was wearing jeans a tee-shirt, my hair smelling like chlorine, while they looked a little more dressy.

"What, you want Wendy's?" Lori asked. "59th is my favorite," she reasoned.

"Yeah, okay, 59th,"I said, leaning up against the window. I turned my head so I could see behind me. Far back is the street that you turn onto to turn onto Andy's street. I could see her in her room, alone. Maybe Paul was in his room, too, and Andy felt that steady pain she always did when he was too near. The pain only I could block.

"We'll take you back to her house right after," Lori said, as I snapped back to face her. She looked somber, sympathetic. She had said it quietly as if she were just now realizing that Andy and I were real.

"What?" I asked.

"You can go back to her house after dinner, we'll drop you off, you can stay the night," Lori reassured.

"Oh, no, I was just..." I started to say just looking at the car behind us, but I couldn't hide it. I was trying to see Andy through the rows of houses.

Then my phone rang. "Hello?" I asked, flipping it open.

"Hey," Andy said.

"Uhm, hey?" I questioned.

"Yeah, so, about that little ... session... we had at the pool. You know what would be awesome?" Andy asked.

I braced myself, ready for major teasing. "What?" I asked, trying to sound as if Andy asked me what ice cream flavor I liked but had mumbled.

"If we could do that again. Like, oh, I don't know, tonight. Because you'll never guess what I'm wearing..." Andy said.

"Uh, VANILLA!" I said. "See you later," I said, snapping the phone shut, leaving the familiar feeling in my pants behind.

"What was that?" Kyle asked, confused.

"Oh... they're uh... just going to make ice cream sundaes tonight. And she wanted to know what flavor I liked," I lied, turning beet red.

"You hate vanilla," Kyle reminded me.

"Uhm, LOOK! The parking lot is nearly empty, maybe there won't be a long wait," I said, pointing to 59th across the street. We turned into the parking lot and I slid open the van door, nearly falling out. Kyle came a little more gently behind me, then Lori stepped out of the passenger side. She shot me a concerned gaze. I tried to give her my best "I'm fine" look, but I didn't succeed.

"Maybe tomorrow we can talk?" she asked.

"Yeah, tomorrow," I promised, appreciating the procrastination.

"Actually," my mom said, hitting the lock button on the car keys, "I was going to ask, if Andy's feeling up to it, if you guys wanted to come eat at our house tomorrow."

"Oh, uhm," I thought. Did I really want Andy and our relationship to invade my home world? But she needed the break from that Paul-pain. "Yeah, she'll love it."

"Good," my mom said, holding the door as the three of us piled into the restaurant. "What do you guys like to eat?"

"Anything chicken," I offered.

"Mmm... sesame chicken? I've got this new recipe..." she said, tapping her chin.

"Perfect," I told her.

"Four," Kyle echoed at the server.

"Right this way," the girl replied, raking 4 menus into her arms.


	48. Green Lace

**48. Green Lace**

"We'll see you tomorrow?" my mom asked.

"Yep, I'll bring Andy over around 6," I said, slamming open the door and jumping out. "Congrats, again, Lori," I added, hopping towards the front door.

"Thanks!" Lori yelled as they backed out.

"Later, brother," I yelled, remembering Kyle.

Kyle raised his hand acknowledging me, then turning back to continue talking to our mom.

I jumped up the stoop steps and banged on Andy's front door, then let myself in. My eyes were blinded by the dimness, no lights were on. As I adjusted, I looked to the right, into the family room. Paul was sitting on the couch.

"Hey," he said, looking at me inquisitively for a moment, then turning back to his video game.

I couldn't capture it, but something looked different about Paul. Apparently, he wasn't a usual sight, he was still 4 days new, but he looked particularly different right now.

"Josh!"

I turned to look to my left. At the top of the stairs, Andy was peeking around the corner, whispering to me. She waved her hand, motioning for me to come up to her. She disappeared around the corner, into her room.

"Uh, hey… Paul," I said. Then I turned and took the stairs two at a time. When I got to the top, I paused for a moment. All of a sudden, I was wiplashed to my left, being pulled to the side, then backwards as Andy's door shut in my face. I turned around to find a hands-on-the-hips Andy, tapping her foot.

"What were you doing?" Andy asked.

"Uh, standing," I said. I immediately noticed what she was wearing. One of my sweat shirts. And only one of my sweat shirts.

"No, you were looking towards Paul's room," she said.

I grabbed the neckline of my sweatshirt on her, pulling it to the side, revealing her soft, round shoulder.

Andy glared, then melted into a coy smile. "You like?" she asked, dangling her arms around my neck. She pulled my head down and whispered into my ear, "I bet you'll like even better what's under the hoodie…" she leaned back, looking into my eyes, enjoying the torture. Suddenly, though, her face flashed back to stern. "His book bag."

"What?" I said, trying to employ my x-ray vision.

"Up here," Andy said, pointing to her face. "His book bag. The one he carries everywhere. The dirty, black one."

I thought for a moment. That's what had been weird about Paul. His book bag. Ever since he stumbled home that night, he'd held it close to him as if it were an external heart. And when he was downstairs, it wasn't next to him.

"Where is it?" I said, joining her whisper.

"In his room!" she whispered angrily, as if I should've known.

"Oh, okay," I said. Andy shifted her body slightly and the hem fell up her thigh, revealing a bit more skin. My fingers flew forward towards her leg.

Andy swatted them away. "We're going to get it."

"Get what?" I said, unable to concentrate.

"HIS BOOK BAG!" Andy yelled. She held the bottom of the sweatshirt, turned around, and pulled up the hem so I could just see the bottom of her underwear. It was this true-green color and gorgeously lacey. Andy looked back over her shoulder at me. "Now pay attention. You get these," she said, pointing to her behind, "If I get that," she finished, pointing across the hall to Paul's room.

"Right," I said, gulping. "Then let's go get that."

Andy dropped the sweatshirt and turned around, grabbing me by the chest of my tee. She pulled me to the doorway, leaning out, looking both ways.

"Andy, I think you're over re-acting," I said, recovering from a near zits-and-old-people incident. "The only people here are us, Paul- who's in the family room-, and your moms."

"My moms are at the grocery store," Andy said absent mindedly.

"Then why don't we just-" I started.

"Shh!" Andy interrupted, dragging me into the hall. She tip-toed across to the doorway and nudged at Paul's bedroom door. It squeaked. Andy inhaled sharply and froze. Her head whipped towards the stairs. After a moment, she relaxed and began to breathe again. "Let's go."

She stepped into Paul's room. It was dark, like the foyer, compared to the bright, windows-open light of Andy's room. The walls were dark green and the bed had a black blanket. He had a desk but it was bare. The floors were hardwood, like the rest of the house, but his lacked the throw-rug all the other rooms had. His closet was closed, opposite Andy's which stood open, unable to contain all of her stuff. And on the floor, next to the bed, illuminating with blackness, was The Backpack.

"There it is," Andy said, pointing. She practically leaped across the room then stood, looming over it.

"Open it," I said, trying to rush us to the next, well-anticipated part of our evening.

"I…"Andy started. "What's inside?" Andy said, whirling around to face me. Her eyes looked lost, terrified.

"I don't know," I offered. "Maybe a wallet, maybe Advil, apples… I don't know, what would you carry if you lived on your own?"

"Pictures," Andy answered as if it were the most obvious. "I'd carry pictures."

She turned back to the bag, squatting. She poked at the bag as if expecting a puppy to pop out. She glanced up at me a final time, then approached the zipper. She tugged gently, took a deep breath, then yanked it across the bag, spilling it open.

I couldn't see through Andy so I couldn't see what was inside but she didn't shriek so I stepped back and gave her some room

She leaned back, plopping to the floor, crossing her legs, pulling the bag into her lap. She took out a note book and flipped through it.

"Poems," she whispered, eyeing the pages. She set the book to the side.

She pulled out a half-drunk bottle of water, a crumpled bag of potato chips, and a wallet. She flipped through the latter, searching the money sleeve and inspecting the ID, presumably fake. She reached back in.

"I think that's-" she started. Then she pulled her hand back out, holding a picture. She reached her other hand out behind her, grabbing a fistful of my jeans, pulling me so I was up against her back. She looked up at me, petrified.

Andy flipped the picture over and let a whispered shriek escape her parted lips. On the glossy paper, 3 smiling faces beamed up at me. On the left was a young boy with light brown hair. He had a cut on his left cheek and a bruise on his hand. This hand was wrapped around a young girl's shoulder. She had scraggly blonde hair and she was missing her front teeth. Her smile was cheesy, her eyes squinted shut. On the right was another boy with the same color hair. His head was tilted and his mouth open mid-laugh.

"Trace," Andy said, brushing a finger tip against the left boy. She sounded as if she was about to cry, but from over her shoulder I could see her cheek pull into a smile. She traced his smile, his eyes, his face, dragging her finger over his arm and around her shoulder. "Look at us," she said, looking up at me for just a moment, then returning to the photo. "We were pretty happy."

"I can tell," I said, squatting down, putting my hand on her shoulder.

We stayed like that for almost 5 minutes. Andy sighed, turning to look at me. "It feels like it's been looked at a lot."

"I bet he looks at it everyday. I bet he missed you," I said, testing the waters.

"Maybe," Andy said, for the first time admitting that maybe he hadn't ran away to destroy her. She began to pile everything else back into the bag. But not the picture.

"He'll know it's gone," I reminded her.

"I know, but I need a copy," she informed me.

"Let's go make it now so we can put the picture back before he realizes it," I said, helping her up.

"Actually," Andy said, walking ahead of me into the hall, across to her room, "I have a better idea of what we could do right now."

Andy tossed the picture onto a dresser with a last glance and closed her bedroom door behind me.

"So…" Andy said, pulling the hem of the sweatshirt around, stripper style. "You liked that little preview before?"

"Very much," I laughed, wrapping my hands around her back, pulling her close to me.

"What do you think-" Andy started to ask.

"Stop talking," I instructed, leaning down, placing a light kiss on her lips.


	49. Joe

**49. Joe**

"**You're Body Is a Wonderland"-John Mayer**

Andy pecked me back then smiled, opening her eyes.

"My moms aren't home," she reminded me.

"Stop talking," I reminded her.

Andy closed her eyes, rose to her tip toes, and pressed her lips against mine. Her nose grazed my cheek; her arms were wrapped around my back. She squeezed against me, pulling me closer. I placed my hands on her lower back, feeling the familiar cotton of my own sweatshirt. I knew the hem was only a little lower.

Andy's tongue pressed against my lips, pleading entrance. I warded her off, concentrating on lowering my hands, little by little. My hands glided over her butt, coming to the edge of my sweatshirt, dangling just under her underwear. I let my hands drop so my fingertips grazed the very tops of her thighs. I hooked my hands and my very finger tips were tickled by The Lace- the very, very true green lace.

Andy gasped a second, as if maybe she was changing her mind but instead, she jumped up, wrapping her legs around my waist, slinking her arms around my neck. The sweatshirt automatically rose until it was wrapped her waist and hung slightly over her behind – barely resembling any guard.

I backed up until I felt her bed against the back of my knees and let them break, collapsing onto the bed. Andy swung to the side, pulling me down with her, still tangled in me. Her tongue felt smooth against mine, rolling across my mouth. I remembered I was cupping the lower half of her and decided to take a different course of action.

I moved my hands back up to her lower back, this time sailing over the lace.

"Hmm?" Andy moaned, confused, but not enough to take a breath and ask.

I felt the skin of her back. It was smooth and cold; it felt pale. I trailed my fingers across the top of the waistband, and then started with my index finger, letting each dive below the barrier. Andy smiled for nearly a moment, then rushed back into me.

Her lips were suctioned to mine, her tongue attacking mine, her hair mixed with mine. She approached deeper, seeking to pet my very back teeth.

I pulled my hand out, subconsciously, wanting only for Andy's body to be a part of my body. I wrapped both my hands behind her, using most of my strength to pull her close to me so there was no room between us.

"Josh…" Andy whispered, opening her eyes and looking down at her own chest. She looked into my eyes, trying to tell me something. I got he message. I bent back down, attaching my lips once again to hers.

I rolled so I was lying on my back, dragging Andy on top of me. Her head bobbed to the right, to the left, ferociously. My hands searched the bed, finding a blanket, pulling it up, over Andy, covering us.

I placed my palms against her bare hip bones, finding them gorgeously soft and round. My hands continued their journey, gliding up her figure, caving in around her tiny waist, widening again as I met her ribs.

"Mmhmm," Andy coaxed, humming into my mouth, bare vibrations startling my lips.

I met another set of gorgeous lace. I could feel that it was the same very, very true green and strapless, to boot. I followed it's edges, finding a 2-clasp closure in the back. I struggled for a moment before popping it off and the two bands fell to either side of Andy's chest.

Andy's hips dug into mine as she pushed against the bed, lifting her upper body off the bed. I took this as my hint to glide the strapless bra from her body, discarding it to the side. Andy lowered again, landing against me, smoothing her lips back against mine, daring me to continue.

I pressed my hands back up against her bare stomach, flattening my hand, pausing before I continued. My hand inched up until my fingers hit the first welcome blockage.

The tips of my fingers were startled, not knowing skin could be so satin-y. I circle Andy's chest, unsure how to embark.

"Andy!" I heard vaguely in the background. I found space to ignore it, continuing my enclosing circles. "Andy!" I heard again, louder.

I opened one eye and peered through Andy's hair, which was strewn across my face. I vaguely saw someone in the doorway.

I clamped my mouth shut, locking Andy's tongue out, and pulled my hand out from the sweatshirt, placing it innocently on the bed.

"Josh?" Andy whispered, confused. She leaned forward again, begging to intrude.

"Uhm," I muttered, trying to wish Paul out of the room. Andy and I had waited for this exact moment for weeks. He was ruining it.

"ANDY!" Paul screamed, storming forward. He grabbed Andy by both shoulders, pulling her backwards. She flew off of me and landed at the bottom of the bed, with a little bounce, the blanket scrunched up under her, the sweatshirt barely meeting the top of her legs. We lay exposed.

Andy looked around, confused. Then the anger rose in her face, overly apparent. I closed my eyes, afraid of what was about to happen.

"WHAT THE HELL, PAUL?" Andy screeched, standing on the bed. I sighed as the sweatshirt, dropped, returning to cover her.

"Me? ME? Andy, I'm in the other room and you're going at it in here with Joe," Paul rambled, pointing at me.

I think I'm Joe.

"We weren't 'going at it', asshole. Get out of my room!" Andy cried as she leaped from her bed, landing right in front of Paul, pushing against his side, towards the door.

"Cut it out," Paul said, nudging her back, rubbing his arm.

Andy looked at him, anger and hatred and confusion and lividness alive in her eyes. I looked at Paul's hand, catching a glimpse of his cast. I wanted to get up and hold Andy back but yet, deep inside, I wanted her to hit him. He seemed to deserve it.

Instead, the familiar face of defiance crossed Andy and she turned around, scrambling back onto the bed, replacing herself on top of me. She gave me a quick look in the eyes, warning me, then dove in, her lips crushing into mine.

"An. Dee." Paul demanded, his patience tested.

"Hmm," Andy hummed as she lifted her hand, placing it in my hair.

"I'm calling Mom," he warned.

"Go for it," Andy whispered, only taking the slightest break, then diving back into me.

Paul waited for a moment. He turned to walk out of the room, paused, then turned back.

"Andrea Magda Jensen. Cut. The. Shit."

Now Andy was mad. Very mad.

"Paul James Jensen. Run. Away," Andy said, storming out of the room. I heard the bathroom door slam.

Paul turned towards me. "Way to go, Joe," he seethed.

"It's Josh," I said, not sure if I'd ever felt so angry before.


	50. Linoleum

**50. Linoleum**

"**Fix You"- Coldplay**

I shoved past Paul, partly hoping he'd fall.

"Andy?" I asked softly, tapping on the bathroom door.

"Josh," she whispered. I could hear something was wrong.

"Andy," I said, frantically.

I heard Andy cough, sputter, then gasp. I tried the handle.

"It's locked," I rushed, jiggling the knob harder, begging it to open.

I heard Andy's knees knock against the linoleum, her hand slap the cold tiles, and heard her feebly pluck the switch on the lock, collapsing on the floor.

I opened the door, getting only an inch, then bumping up against Andy. I pushed a little harder and felt Andy slide along the floor. Once I could, I stuck my head in.

"ANDY!" I screamed, somehow wedging my body into the bathroom. I scooped Andy up, sitting on the edge of the bath tub. I held her head gently with one hand; finding her pulse in her neck with the other.

Weakly, Andy lifted her hand, swatting mine from her neck. She gasped again. "Go," she started, then inhaled sharply again.

"Go where?" I begged, searching her eyes, trying to understand.

Andy lifted one finger, signaling for me to wait a moment.

"Call," she added.

"Call who?!" I could barely help form yelling.

Andy sucked in a mouthful of air, then coughed. She was growing paler, almost purple, and I could tell each breath pained her.

"Dr. Hooper," she managed to whisper, clutching the chest of my tee shirt. She inhaled one more time, then broke up against my body, unable to hold herself up.

"Joe, will you cut it out with my sister for one damn minute," Paul said, taking his usual stance, leaning against the doorway.

"She's suffocating," I barked. "Call 911."


	51. Hereditary

**51. Hereditary**

"**Freshman"- The Verve Pipe**

"Hey," I murmured, ducking my head around the door.

"Hey," Andy wheezed back. She weakly lifted her left hand from the bed, paused mid-air, then dropped it helplessly back down

I rushed to her side, smoothing a stray piece of hair onto the bed.

"You okay?"

"Mmhmm," Andy hummed, lifting her hand once again, this time meeting mine. She held my pointer finger with all of hers, pulling it down to her waist. I found her other hand and folded both of hers into mine. I sat up onto the edge of her bed.

"Dr. Hooper explained it to us. Why'd you tell me you were off the oral chemo?" I demanded cautiously.

"I thought I was," Andy said, wiggling her fingers.

"Don't lie," I warned.

"I did. I thought I finished on Friday," she promised.

Silence hung thick in the air. I re-positioned myself so that my legs lied on the bed. Andy tugged faintly at my arms, signaling for me to scoot up with her. I shifted my body, landing at her side, gently wedging an arm beneath her shoulder blades. Andy nuzzled her head into the crook of my neck.

"Hey, you're stretching tubes," I reminded gently. I took a finger-heart- monitor out from under her am, an IV from under my back, and the tubes to her oxygen mask from behind her head.

Andy pulled the mask from her face.

"Andy," I worried, pressing the oxygen back up against her nose.

"I just wanted to say," Andy said, once again lifting the mask a few inches from her face, "that I feel fine. And thank you."

Andy's hand collapsed her to chest, the oxygen snapping back against her face. She winced.

"Let's sleep," I said, gently re-positioning the vitality against her mouth. "Let's sleep."

---

"Now, you are off the oral chemo, Andy, but the side effects may linger for a week or two so keep it down," Dr. Hooper laughed.

"Okiedokie, Doc," Andy said, tying her shoe. She straightened up, repositioning her jeans on her hips, then turned to her moms. "Ready?"

"Here, honey," Laura said, extending the car keys out to Andy. "You guys go put your stuff in the car; we'll be right behind you."

"We'll wait," Andy offered, not taking the keys.

Laura grabbed Andy's hands, pressing the keys into them. "We'll be right behind you."

Andy looked at Kate, confused.

"We just want to talk to Dr. Hooper for a moment," Kate said innocently.

Andy paused for a moment, then took my hand and led me into the hall.

"I wonder what that's about," she said.

"Oh, let's guess. He's your doctor. And you started suffocating on nothing. But really, it could be a wide variety of things," I responded, squeezing her hand.

"You're so clever," Andy laughed.

"I try," I said, pressing the button to the elevator. "I try."

---

"So," Andy tested. "What was that about?"

She pointed to the clock as the engine turned on. We'd been waiting for 20 minutes. Andy had finally gotten bored and made herself comfortable (on my lap, if you couldn't guess).

"Well," Kate started, "actually, we were talking about a few things. One of them being school."

"SCHOOL?!" Andy nearly screamed.

"Yeah," Laura said. "What do you think about that?"

"I think…" Andy lingered, for a moment unsure as to what she thought. "I think that I need to go. It's my senior year. I really don't want to miss any."

"Good, because you're starting on time with the rest of your class," Kate said, relieved that Andy wasn't going to struggle this. "And, we talked about your central line."

"MY CENTRAL LINE?!" Andy shouted again.

"And what do you think of that?"

"I think I better be getting it out," Andy snapped.

"Well, Dr. Hooper wants you to stick to the vitamin bags for this week but he thinks by next week you should be good without them so he thinks maybe next Wednesday you can have it out," Laura murmured, excited.

"No freaking way!" Andy screeched. "JOSH! Did you hear that?"

"Oh, no," I laughed. "What did she say?"

"Central line… out…. next Wednesday… then I'm going to school…" Andy stuttered.

"Andrea," Laura warned, "you're going to suffocate again. Calm down."

Andy took a deep breath, then leaned back up against me. "You guys talk about anything else?" she tried to say calmly.

"Well," Kate began, glancing at Laura, "we actually talked about Paul."

Andy turned her head and looked out the window, pretending she didn't hear.

"They, uhm, want him to be tested. For cancer. In case we're going through this because it's hereditary."

"Cancer isn't hereditary," Andy whispered.

"Some are. And just because we don't think brain cancers aren't hereditary doesn't mean they aren't. We don't know much about cancer; you know that," Laura said gently.

"Whatever," Andy said. I saw her reflection roll its eyes in the window.


	52. Fistful of Forks

**52. Fistful of Forks**

"How do you feel?" Paul asked, looking at his plate. He had a half piece of pizza on it.

"Dandy," Andy said, glaring at him. "Can I spend the night at Josh's?"

"Oh, honey," Laura said, biting a nail. "Are you sure? You just got home from the hospital."

"Mom, I pretty much live at the hospital. It's no different than just getting home from a sleepover. I'm fine. We'll take it easy; play video games-" Andy began to list.

"You get so worked up over video games, sweetie," Laura said, apparently nervous.

"I mean we'll watch TV. Really bland TV. Like Nick at Night or something," Andy said. She turned to Kate. "C'mon. I've made Josh sleep here so much. He's been so good to us. And I could use a night off." At this last piece, Andy whipped her head in Paul's direction, then turned back to her moms.

"Well, what do your parents say?" Kate asked me.

"They don't mind," I lied. I hadn't even asked them.

"You sure?" Laura said. She grabbed the pizza off the plate next to her, taking a small bite and chewing slowly.

"Mom, yes, he's sure," Andy whined, shifting her weight to one hip, exasperated.

"Why don't you guys just have some pizza?" Laura said, opening the pizza box, offering some.

"Because, Mom," Andy said, clearly annoyed, "his parents are waiting with dinner at his house. We explained this."

"Go, Andy," Kate said suddenly. She placed a hand on top of Laura's. "Call if you need anything."

"Thank you!" Andy said.

"Have fun," Paul offered.

"Shut up," Andy spat before turning to walk away.

----

"MOM?" I yelled, shutting the door behind Andy.

"We're in here!" she shouted back from the kitchen. I heard her chair slide against the floor, then her quick steps running to the front door.

"How ARE you?" she cooed, hugging me.

"I'm fine," I laughed, amazed at her never-ending ability to worry.

"Andy," my mom said, staring into Andy's eyes. "How are YOU?"

"I'm good Mrs. Trager," Andy said, nervous.

Andy knew that my mom, Lori, and Kyle knew. We both kind of assumed that by now, my dad knew. Thankfully, though, they also all knew she didn't like to talk about it. Besides, she was better now.

"Well, I hope you like Chinese!" my mom said, turning and walking back to the kitchen. At the table, Kyle, Lori, and my dad were already sitting down. The table was set with the food in the middle, verses our usual buffet style. There was soda on the table –caffeine free, my mom remembered- even though my mom preferred that we stuck with juice. She had put out placemats. They were really trying.

"Hey, Andy," Lori said and Kyle echoed.

"Hey," Andy said, all of a sudden shy.

"Hello, Andy. I'm Josh's dad. You can call me Stephen," my dad said, beaming from across the table.

"Hi, Mr. Trager," Andy responded, apparently overwhelmed.

"Uhm, Mom," I began, wrapping an arm around Andy, "I'm just going to take Andy up to my room so she can, uhm, put her jacket down." I waited, my mom nodded, and I steered Andy in the opposite direction, towards the stairs. "Oh, start without us, we'll only be a second," I added, already feeling guilty about how hard they were trying to make Andy feel welcome.

I practically pulled Andy up the stairs and pushed her into my room. It was surprisingly neat- I didn't really use it much anymore. Andy wobbled over to my bed, sitting down, staring at the floor.

"They hate me," she muttered.

"What are you taking about? You've been here less than a minute."

"Did you see the way they said hello?" she said, almost afraid.

"God, yeah. Lori was being so menacing, don't you think?"

"Josh, I really want them to like me," she said ignoring the sarcasm.

"They will. They have no reason not to. Why are you so afraid?" I said, sitting beside her, snaking my arm around her shoulder, pulling her really close to me.

"I haven't been anywhere in so long," she whispered.

Andy had been okay leaving her house, even enthusiastic. The ride over was easy. Walking to my door had no indication of fear. Here, though, Andy was defiantly afraid.

"Andy, we go places."

"Yeah, the pool once. The hospital for checkups. The rack for smoothies a few times. But not really," she said, leaning her head against my shoulder.

"Well, it's been tough," I said, defending myself.

"I know, I'm just nervous," Andy said, being weirdly open.

"Don't be. Let's go eat, I'm starving," I said, standing, offering my hand.

"Yeah," Andy said, taking it. She smiled. "Me too."

We walked back downstairs, taking our places at the table next to each other. Andy let out a small, tiny gasp. I placed my hand on her knee; she looked up at me, then smiled and relaxed.

They hadn't served themselves yet. I took the bowl of chicken, dumping some on my plate, then Andy's, then passing it to my dad. I followed suit the with the rice, the noodles, the soup, and the vegetables.

Kyle looked strangely confused, staring at Andy. All of a sudden, as if a dam had broken inside of him, he blurted, "I thought you were taking off your jacket!"

Andy looked down, her sweatshirt still zipped, untouched. She looked up from my moms face to my dads, they were apparently embarrassed. She looked petrified, then all of a sudden broke out laughing. Thankfully, everyone followed, except Kyle.

"Sorry, Kyle," Andy said, muttering her first words. "I wasn't taking my jacket off. Josh was just prepping me."

"For what?" Kyle asked, completely innocent.

"Uhm," Andy hummed. "I don't know."

"Lori. She can be such a cow. I didn't want Andy to be too taken back," I said, pouring soda in Andy's glass, then mine. Andy picked up the glass and paused for a moment. I put the bottle in front of her face, tapping at the words "Caffeine-free" and she took a sip.

"Shut up," Lori laughed, willingly taking a joke [and for the record, she chews like a human.

"For being out with other people," Andy finished. "'Cause I haven't gotten out in a while."

Everyone fell silent again, the broken ice had re-frozen. Everyone looked around, passing glances; forks scraped the plates, mouths chewed quietly.

"Because of the cancer," Andy added defiantly.

We were still silent.

"So, Lori, I hear you play guitar?" Andy said, pretending she hadn't said the "C" word.

"Oh, well, sort of. I actually got a bit of a deal, you might call it, while I was at my convention in New York."

"Really? That is so cool," Andy said, shoveling food in her mouth. My mother watched silently, taking the inhalation as a compliment, but more over studying Andy's behavior.

"Yeah, I'm pretty excited."

"So what does it entail?" Andy said before filling her mouth with rice.

"Well, next week I'll go back to New York for a little while to go over some stuff with a mentor, then the week after I hope to get it all recorded."

"Will you sing, too?" Andy asked.

"I hope so, it's the plan as of now. I have to really be quick, though, because school starts so soon and my parents-" Lori paused for a second, lending angry glances towards our parents "- don't want them to overlap. Singing adds a whole other dimension to the soundtrack."

Andy considered all of that for a moment. "Well, good luck," she offered genuinely.

"Thanks," Lori piped, then went back to eating.

"You play video games, Andy?" my dad said, glad to fill the conversation void.

"If by 'play' you mean 'beast', then yeah, I play," Andy said, totally in her element, hitting her stride.

The conversation was set and running. My dad went into his technical lingo. I caught stuff every now and then, but I was distracted. Kyle was studying Andy intensely, apparently interested in the recovery of incurable disease. Lori was still glowing from Andy's good wishes. My mom was studying Andy like Kyle, but she was apparently concerned for her well being. And I was just happy. I had been concerned- did I want my cancer life to taint my safe, family life? But now I knew I did. I want Andy in every part of my life.

Dinner ended, still stuck on video games, and everyone perfectly content.

"I'll help clear," I offered, stacking Andy's plate on mine, then those on my dad's.

"Thanks," my mom said, stacking the rest of the plates to his.

"He's not usually like this, Andy, don't let him fool you," Lori said, pouring more soda into her glass.

"I don't doubt it," Andy laughed.

In the kitchen, I began to rinse forks and knives, putting them into the dishwasher.

"So, Mom," I started.

"She seems fine," she interrupted me. She began putting leftovers in the fridge.

"Yeah, she's pretty good. But with Paul-" I started.

"The brother?" she interjected.

"Yeah, the brother. He's, well, a problem. And he really stresses her out. And I think it'd be good if she could just have a break for a while. And I know she spent last night in the hospital away from him, but the hospital is still stressful. So…"

"Do you think she'd like to stay the night?" my mom offered.

"Well," I said, deciding to go along with it being her idea, " I could ask her."

"Separate beds, of course," my mom added, shutting the refrigerator, coming to help me rinse dishes.

"Mom, you see how tiny she is. She gets lost in a bed," I used my most convincing tone.

"The guest bed is tiny," she offered.

"Mom, I spend most of my nights at Andy's house, in her bed," I started. My mom shot me a dirty look. "C'mon! Like you didn't know!"

She concentrated on a dish, rinsing it clean, and then rinsing it again. She placed it on the rack and sighed. "Alright, I did know that. But Josh, you're so young…"

"Mom, stop there. I've gone through this with Andy's moms already. We're young, we're stupid, we're not ready for the next level. I know that. I don't want to complicate things, trust me, her life is messy enough. I just want her to feel… surrounded." It's so hard to explain.

"How about you just ask her to stay? We'll decide this later?"

"Alright."

"Alright, take this back out there," she said handing me a stack of clean plates and a fistful of forks. "I'll be right behind you with the cake."

"Thanks, Mom." I said, taking the stack. I walked towards the dining room, then stopped, turning around. I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks a whole lot."

"You're welcome," she smiled. "Now go, your dad's probably chewed the poor girl's ear off by now."


	53. Content

**Colbie Caillat**

"Thanks, Mrs. Trager," Andy complimented, leaning back in her chair. "It was really good."

"I'm glad you liked it, Andy. And please, call me Nicole," my mom said, standing and starting to gather dirty plates.

"Really, mom," I started, "I ate so much I can barely move."

"Ditto," Andy sighed, resting her hand on her stomach.

"Why don't you two go on a walk? It's such a nice night and I'm sure it'll make you feel better," my mom offered.

I turned and cocked my head at Andy, silently asking her if she wanted to go. Andy nodded.

"Great, but can I see you two in the kitchen first for a moment?" my mom asked.

Lori offered her own nervous glance from across the table. Kyle, clueless as often, sat still. My dad cleared his throat and watched his lap.

We followed my mom into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Trager, I didn't mean to offend-" Andy started.

"Oh, no, Andy. I was just going to ask you if you'd like to spend the night here. Josh says it's been a little… difficult at your house. Maybe it'd be nice to be away for a night."

My mom has the perfect tone of empathy, searching Andy's face, trying to spill the perfect words.

"I'd love to," Andy whispered. She loved to feel understood.

"And maybe if you wanted sometime, we could talk, me and you, if you wanted," my mom offered. It wasn't forced or a demand, just an offer. Simply putting it on the table.

"I'd like that," Andy answered shyly.

"Great. Now, you two go. You have your phone, Josh?"

"Yep," I said, patting my pocket.

"Alright. Stay on the sidewalks, the drivers are crazy at night."

"I know Mom, I know," I said, wrapping my arm around Andy's shoulder, leading to the front door.

We stepped into the night air. It was cool and sharp, a welcome reprieve from the hot humidity that plagued us. There was still a small pink strip on the horizon and just a few small stars dotted the sky. We got to the end of my driveway, paused, then I pulled Andy to the right. We got to the end of the block before talking.

"So, here's a switch," Andy said, pulling herself a little closer into my side.

"Hm?" I hummed, leaning down to give her a kiss on the top of the head.

"You know, your mom making our dinner, us sleeping at your house. It's different," she explained.

"Yeah," I understood. I'd always had to cross the line, join a new life. Now Andy was in my shoes, meeting new people and learning new conversation. "What do you think?"

"I like them," she said simply. "And your mom is letting me stay the night. That's pretty cool."

"Nice, yeah, but she's making you stay in the guest room," I scoffed.

"Duh," Andy murmured.

"What do you mean, 'duh'?"

"Why would she let us sleep together? She knows we'd do… dirty things," Andy smirked.

"So… you're okay with sleeping in the guest bedroom?" I questioned.

"As long as it's not across the hall from Paul."

---

"So, you've got everything?" I asked, worried.

"Yes, everything," Andy insisted.

"What about your medicine? Did you take your medicine? Because you know you can't forget your med-"

"Josh. I took my medicine. I've got everything," Andy pushed.

"Do you need more pillows? Or a thicker blanket? I could get you another jacket," I offered.

"The pillows are perfectly balanced; I've got the perfect amount of heat locked around my body. All is well. Calm down," Andy begged.

"It's just weird. When we're at your house, going to bed is just a schedule. Here, things aren't in the right place. And now you have to sleep here alone…" I trailed off.

"If I let you get pillows and throw them on the ground around the bed for incase I fall out, will you feel better?" Andy cooed sarcastically.

"You know what?" I said, grabbing a pillow. "I hope you fall out and get what you deserve," I laughed, whacking her on the arm.

"Did you just hit me with a pillow," Andy said, mock-serious. "Is this an 8th grade sleepover? Do I think I need to defend myself?" she surveyed, grabbing her own pillow. "I think yes."

Andy smiled mischievously and lunged at me. She smacked me across the back with a pillow and fell to the bed, bouncing. I dove a pillow onto her butt and she rolled over, lying her on her stomach. She quickly jumped up, standing on the bed. Her pillow fell like a sack onto the top of my head, the, knocked from the side, followed by a hit from the other. I looked up at Andy and she grinned down at me, overly light-hearted.

"If that's how you want to play…" as I lightly tapped the back of both her knees and she crashed back to the bed.

"Yeah that's how I want to play-"

"JOSH?! ANDY?!" my mom yelled up from the kitchen, interrupting her.

"OhMiGod," Andy whisper gasped, covering her mouth.

"Uhm, yeah?!" I yelled back down to her.

"You okay? I thought I heard a crash!" she replied.

"Oh, uhm," I stumbled.

"I tripped!" Andy whisper-screeched at me.

"Andy tripped! She's fine!" I finished.

"Alright!" my mom finished the conversation.

Andy burst out laughing at fell back, covering her face with the pillow. I watched her body shake with uncontrollable giggling before lying down, turning on my side to face her. She slowly removed the pillow from her face, revealing a beaming smile.

"Hm," I hummed, unsure if I'd ever felt so content.

"Hmm," Andy hummed back, seeming to feel the same. "Goodnight," Andy said, lifting her head to peck my lips.

"Goodnight," I said.

I repositioned Andy on the bed a bit and then tucked her around the pillows and the blanket around her sides. She wiggled a bit, settling in, then sighed.

"Goodnight," I repeated, leaning in and giving her another kiss.

I began to walk back out into the hall.

"I love you," Andy called at me.

I paused, turned to her, and answered. "I love you, too."

I walked into the hall and gently closed the door behind me before I realized Lori, taking a Paul-like stance against the wall right outside the room. She smiled.

"G'night, Josh," she said. The smile was part teasing, part jealousy, and part admiration.

"Night," I said, turning into my room, closing the door behind me.


	54. Shut the hell up

**54. Shut the hell up.**

I cracked open the door to the guest bedroom, just to make sure she was sleeping okay. She looked fine. A closer look never hurt anyone, though.  
I tiptoed across the room and stood looming over the bed. Andy's arm was above her head and her hair was across her face. She was dreaming, I could tell, and it was a good dream. She looked so relax. I gently eased myself onto the bed beside her, just to watch her sleep for a moment, make sure it didn't turn into a nightmare.  
"Josh?" Lori whispered from the doorway, whispering. She rubbed at her eyes.  
I put a finger to my lips, signaling her to be quiet. I looked to Andy again, just making sure, then rose slowly so I didn't shake the bed. I tiptoed back to the doorway and shut the door behind me.  
"Yes?" I asked, a little impatient.  
"'Yes?" what?" she asked back.  
"What are you standing here for?" I elaborated.  
"I heard something out here. Just wanted to make sure Andy wasn't trying to find the bathroom or something," Lori explained herself.  
"I would've gotten her; I've got it under control."  
"I know, I know. I was just making sure. What were you doing?" Lori pryed.  
"Just... checking on her," I said, a little embarrassed. But it's kind of stupid to watch people sleep.  
"Why?" Lori taunted.  
"Just because. A boy can check on his girlfriend every once and a while, can't he?" I snapped. I started back to my room.  
"It's very cute of you, you know," Lori offered.  
"Adorable," I muttered, closing my door behind me.

----

"So he does that EVERY night?" Lori asked.  
"Every night he stays at my house," Andy said. She lifted a cup to her mouth, drinking something.  
"Gosh, doesn't that get annoying?" Lori said, leaning onto the counter.  
"I think it's endearing," Andy replied, pushing herself onto a stool.  
I flattened myself against the wall, hoping they hadn't already heard me.  
"Yeah, I guess so. It's kind of sweet of him," Lori agreed.  
"He's a lot more caring than you'd think," Andy defended me. "He's always checking to make sure I'm not cold or hungry. He never lets me miss my medicine by a minute. He stays awake until I'm asleep. He's more aware of my restrictions than I am. He's really protective, yeah, but I don't know. He's perfect, I guess."   
"Little baby Josh-y with a heart. I guess he does sound endearing. If only Declan-" Lori started.  
To avoid letting Andy being contaminated with the ever-dramatic Leclan situation, I walked into the kitchen, cutting her off.  
"Good morning," I said. I gave Andy a kiss on the top of her head, taking a seat beside her. I looked in her cup: coffee. I gave her a suspicious look and she offered the cup to me. I took a swig: decaf. I gave it back.   
"There's more over there, you don't have to mooch off Andy's," Lori pointed at the coffee maker.  
"He doesn't want any," Andy said. "He's just checking to make sure mine's decaf. I can't have caffiene."  
"Oh," Lori said. She looked at me. "Protective, much?"  
"How about when she goes into anaphylactic shock? Will you be able to save her?" I snapped.  
"I was just kidding," Lori backed off. We were all silent for a moment. "Can I use your car today?"  
"Why?"  
"I told Kyle he could use mine to go to the basketball game with Declan because Hillary and I were going to take her car to go to the play but then her car broke down and-" Lori rambled.  
"Fine," I cut in. "Drop Andy and I off at her house first?"  
"Sure. When do you want to leave?"  
I looked at Andy. She thought for a moment. "Do I have clinic today?"  
"Do you?" I asked back.  
"I think at 1ish or something. So maybe we should go back soon."  
"Can you take us back in about half an hour?" I asked Lori.  
"Sure," she turned, taking the steps two at a time.  
I turned back to Andy who gulped the last few sips of her coffee. "You have anything to eat yet?"  
"Nah, I'm not real hungry," she answered.  
"You sure? Because I'm excellent at making cereal," I offered.  
"Well, I'm always in the mood for Cinammon Toast Crunch," she considered.  
I checked the pantry. "You're in luck. Cinammon Toast Crunch is our cereal du jour."

----

"Thanks, Josh. I'll fill up the tank before I give it back. I'll work something out with Kyle and I'll leave it out front of Andy's around 8 tonight. Okay?"  
"Alright," I said, getting out of the back seat and opening the passenger door for Andy. I offered my hand, pulling her out. "Pop the trunk." I went to the back of the car to get our stuff, pulling my bag out, then Andy's. "Andy, what'd you pack? Rocks?"  
"Just stuff," she said, going to pick it up.  
"Uhm, no. This weighs more than you," I stopped her. She gave me a nasty look which I quickly discarded. "Lori?"  
"Sure," she got out of the car and took Andy's bag. We progressed to the front door, parade style. Andy pushed open her front door, letting us in in front of her.  
Lori dropped the bag on the floor, looking around. "Cute house."  
"Thanks," Andy piped.  
Lori turned, leaving the house. "Have a blast at clinic."  
"Thanks," Andy said again, laughing this time. She let the screen door shut behind Lori.  
All of a sudden, Paul was behind us, watching us watching Lori. Then he joined us in watching Lori. "Who's that?"  
"Lori," Andy answered flatly.  
"My sister," I added.  
"Wow," Paul muttered as Lori turned to wave before ducking into the car.  
"What?" I thought absent-mindedly.  
"She's hott."  
Andy waited a moment. "Shut up," she said, disgusted. She turned and went up the stairs.  
I looked at Paul. He was his usually shameless self. I, though, was not my usual patient-with-Paul self. "Yeah, shut the hell up." 


	55. Buhbye, sucker

**55. Buh-bye, sucker.**

"Everyone ready?" Kate called up the stairs.

"Yeah. We're ready," Andy monotoned back. She stood from the bed, catching a quick glimpse of herself in the mirror and patting down a piece of hair, then slipped on some sneakers. "Let's go," she said to me.

Andy had been right. We had clinic today at 1. This could possibly be seen as exciting- if all was going well, Andy could have her central line removed whenever an OR was free. Or it could be negative- Paul was coming to have a whole workup done to see if this ordeal was hereditary. They would both have chromosomal panels done to see if they tested for the cancer gene. Andy was, if you couldn't guess, very angry. She didn't want Paul in the car with her, in the hospital with her, sharing nurses with her, or even sharing illness with her.

She walked out her door, banged once on Paul's door, and then bounced down the stairs. I followed her out the door and into the car. She situated her in the very last row, waited for me to sit next her, then dropped her head to my shoulder.

"This is going to suck. So bad," she said.

"Maybe," I admitted. "Or maybe they'll say you can have your central line out."

"Whatever."

Kate and Laura soon joined the minivan and last was Paul, his slow, heavy steps arriving at the sliding door. He didn't look nervous like he should have been. He didn't look scared or angry. He looked complacent, if anything.

"Here we go!" Kate said, overly-enthused.

---

"Hm. Well, Andy. All looks good here," Dr. Hooper said, flipping through her chart. Andy sat on the doctor's bench, banging her feet against the cabinents below her. Laura and I sat on chairs next to the bench. Laura was wringing her hands, nervously. I, though, was calm with complete faith that all was well. Kate was next door in a separate room with Paul.

"103 lbs.? Very impressive," Dr. Hooper cooed. "And how much have you been drinking lately?"

"Oh, tons. A martini here, a beer there. Last night Josh offered me some straight whisky and, oh, who cares. I drank the whole bottle," Andy said.

"Andy," I offered curtly. I hated playing parent but during clinic, it was my only option.

"I drink a whole load of water," Andy sighed, cutting the joke. "Lots."

"This true, Josh?" Dr. Hooper said, looking at me.

"She does. She's still on fluids every other night, but she does drink a lot on her own. She eats really well, too," I stated.

"So it seems. Your nutrition panel came back perfect, Andy."

"I know," Andy replied. "Because, you know, that thing… where I eat nutritious stuff? Who would've known it would work."

"Well," Dr. Hooper continued, ignoring her, "it seems that everything as far as blood work is great. Your immune system is rising, you don't need any blood transfusions, and you seem to need no nutrients. You seem well enough to have your central line removed."

"REALLY?!" Andy screeched. "Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou. I'll eat so well, you won't know the line is gone. Oh, thank you."

"I checked this morning and the ORs are unusually empty tomorrow. We could fit you in anywhere starting at 10:30 am."

"10:30 am would be great!" Andy screamed. The sooner, the better, she figured.

"Well, hold on. It seems your due for a MRI next week. I know you dislike them, so what if we had it done tomorrow while you were sedated for the central line removal anyway."

"Uhm," Andy hummed nervously. She immediately began picking at her nail polish. No matter what state she'd be in, she was going to hate the MRI.

"Sounds great," Laura answered for her.

"Good. I'll go see when a MRI will be open and we can schedule surgery around that," Dr. Hooper said as he set Andy's chart down next to her. He turned and began to leave the room.

"Wait," Laura called. "I'm sorry, but can you check on my son next door, Paul, while you're out?"

"Sure, Ms. Jensen," Dr. Hooper said as he left.

Laura let out a big sigh of relief, then picked up Andy's chart. "Wow, Andy. This all looks very good."

"Mmhmm." Andy continued to pick her nails.

I set my hand over hers, attempting to calm her. "Everything will be okay," I assured.

"It's not that," Andy whispered, glancing out he window.

"Andy." I turned her face to look at me. "Everything will be okay. I promise."

Andy nodded and patted the bench next to her. I hopped up- although I know the nurses hated this- and wrapped my arm around her waist.

"Oh, you two," Laura said, dabbing her eyes.

"Moooom, cut it out," Andy whined, apparently feeling better already.

"It's just that… I'm so proud of you, Andy. You're so brave," Laura tried to explain.

"Thank, Mom," Andy replied sincerely. "Thank you." Everything was silent for a moment while Andy watched me and I watched Laura. "You could go, uhm," Andy tried to say, "check on Paul. If you wanted," she finished, nearly gasping.

"Oh. Well. Alright," Laura nodded, standing.

She slipped out the door and we could see her turn right before it shut behind her.

"So. You excited?"

"Yeah," Andy admitted. She reached up, grabbing that devious little tube from her chest. "Buh-bye, sucker."

---

"So. How's Paul?" Andy asked. We were still waiting in the Patient Room for Dr. Hooper to finalize the operation plans and give Andy instructions.

"We won't know until Thursday. His regular blood work looks fine, but the real important, detailed stuff can take a while," Laura said nervously.

Andy looked at me, then down at her hands. She finally lifted her face to her mother, letting a bit of compassion over run her. "Everything will be okay. I promise."


	56. Am I Ready?

"You ready?" I asked, offering my hand.

Andy took a deep breath, then clutched to hand as if it were the only thing keeping her standing.

"Yep."

We crossed the doors into the hospital. Things were the same. We entered on the short-term inpatient floor. We passed the nurses desk. We took the elevator to the pediatric oncology ward. Everything was the same. But it wasn't.

"I'm going to be…" Andy started, then gulped. "Free."

"Considering you're going to be 'freed' you don't seem so happy," I coaxed as we neared the opposite side of the ward- the surgery induction rooms.

"I'm happy. I'm just… nervous," she stopped. Andy turned towards me and dropped my hand, immediately wrapping both her arms around my waist. "What if I'm not ready?" she muttered into my shirt. "What if it comes back?"

Andy gasped a few deep breaths, then looked up at me. She didn't pull off the "scared" look well and it made me afraid for her.

"Andy, you have smart doctors. They wouldn't do this if you weren't ready. But you are," I said.

"Promise?"

How can I promise? I don't know anything about cancer. Cancer doctors barely know anything about cancer. I do know, though, that Andy is stronger than most anyone and she is ready for anything.

"Promise."

Andy and I walked the rest of the way to her induction room silently. She was given a new hospital bracelet and a hospital gown to change into. She put her hair into a ponytail and then was given a surgical hairnet. Andy sat once again on the hospital bed, small against it's huge frame. I've grown accustomed to this sight; I could paint the picture from memory. But it still always scares me.

Dr. Hooper entered, flipping through a chart. "Hello, Andy. Josh," he nodded in my direction.

"Hey, doc," Andy said a little to laxly.

"How do you feel?" Dr. Hooper questioned.

"Uhm," Andy considered, "nervous."

Dr. Hooper chuckled quietly, apparently very familiar with nervousness. "You'll be fine. To be honest, I think Dr. Lamb is the best surgeon."

Andy cracked into a smile, "Funny, because last time you said you thought Dr. Neigh was the best surgeon."

Dr. Hooper laughed out loud, caught at his own lie. "What can I say, I'm a fickle man." He glanced through Andy's charts one more time. "Well, I'm not nervous. Everything points to this being an extremely successful step in the right direction."

"If you say so," Andy said, offering her trust.

Dr. Hooper left the room with the promise of sending some one in to sedate Andy. Andy immediately patted her bed. I hoped up with her, offering an arm. Andy wiggled up close to my side, humming as if she were almost content.

"This is good," Andy murmured.

I didn't know what she meant- the surgery, the pep-talk from Dr. Hooper, or laying in bed with me. But I agreed. "This is good."

Moments later, a nurse walked in with a tray of several syringes.

"Alright, Andrea," she started, making it apparent she'd never been Andy's nurse before, "we'll start you off with some Ativan to calm you. The rest will be administered in the OR."

"Alright," Andy said tentatively.

The nurse pushed the medicine via Andy's central line- one of the last times it'd be used. She left the tray next to Andy's bed and went to call for a set of hands to help wheel Andy to the OR just a few doors down.

"I'm ready?" Andy asked me.

What a strange question. How would I know. But then I realized, how would Andy know? Andy doesn't know when she's sick, when she's well. She doesn't know when her brother's alive or dead. She doesn't know much about herself for certain.

"You're ready," I affirmed.

Andy hastily kneeled on her bed, pulling me up with her, smashing her lips against mine. She was fervent, nervous, hurried.

"Andy," I said, pushing her away, "there'll always be time."

Just then, 4 nurses came in to wheel her away.

One thing I'll never get used to is doctors taking Andy away from me.


	57. Calm Down

57. Calm Down

"Won't Go Home Without You"-Maroon 5

I traced the lines on Andy's palm. Then I did again. And again. She didn't move.

I glanced at where her central line used to be. Her hospital gown now smoothed over the spot with ease. "Easy access," I thought. Hurriedly, I back-tracked, "and a weight lifted off Andy's mind." There. That balanced out.

Andy's eyelids fluttered and she slowly opened them. She looked around, confused for a moment, then settled on me. She smiled; lifting her left hand to me, then winced sharply and dropped it. I jumped up, hovering over her.

"Ouch," she muttered, slowly laying her left arm back on the bed. "That didn't feel nice."

"Just sit still for a little while," I ordered. "Do you want the bed up?"

Andy nodded and I leaned across her, pushing the button that moved the bed to a sitting up position. She smiled briefly and patted the bed next to her. I climbed in gently, trying not to shake her at all.

"How bad does it hurt?" I asked, trying not to move.

"Not bad," Andy lied. "Maybe a 3," she meant on the pain scale.

"You want a nurse?"

"Not now," she said, slowly laying her head on my shoulder. "How long was it?"

"About an hour once they wheeled you out," I said, forgetting to mention it was one of the longest hours of my life.

"You know how they do it?" Andy grinned. "They just yank it out then clamp up the vessels really fast so I don't bleed my guts all over the place."

"Mmhmm, how ladylike."

Andy laughed, then braced herself. "Ouch," she muttered under her breath.

I pretended not to hear because I knew that's what she wanted.

---

"Andy, darling," Laura rushed in, throwing her arms around Andy. Kate followed close behind.

Andy was slightly dosed and tolerating the pain well.

"Ready?" Kate said, offering her hand.

Andy took it, nervous. She was going off to the real world with out any remnants of cancer. If anything happened, she was on her own, no easy tools. Just on her own.

"I'm ready."

We passed Dr. Hooper on our way out. "So long, Andy. Don't come back soon," he laughed as his own joke.

But Andy didn't laugh. Andy didn't even look around. Andy watched her very own feet as she stepped on to the elevator.

---

"Andy," I managed to whisper. "Andy, calm down," I insisted.

Andy was pushing her hands through my hair while simultaneously trying to rip my shirt off.

"Andy, poor decision, stop."

I tried to sound convincing but really, what guy wanted to turn this away.

"Look. Josh," Andy said, tugging at the corner of her shirt. "See how I have no central line? That means I'm not sick."

My eyes focused on that patch of skin. Not sick.

I grinned, reaching my fingers up, grasping that corner of shirt, pulling slowly down.

"Josh!" Andy shrieked, rolling over. She ducked her head up to mine, grabbing my lips and pulling me down. I braced my arms around her, putting my weight on the bed, letting my head dip down to her.

---

"Whoa, wait, Josh," Andy gasped, pushing me away.

"Andy, we've gone farther," I tried to rationalize as I rolled over, exasperated.

"Josh!" Andy screamed again, this time a bit more panic in her voice. I jumped off the bed and hit the switch on the lamp. The left side of Andy's shirt was growing a pool of blood.

I yanked open Andy's bedroom door. "Kate! Laura!" I yelled into the hall. I pulled open Andy's top dresser drawer, yanking out a mound of gauze. I ran back to Andy, picking her up from under her back and knees. Kate and Laura met me in the hallway and immediately turned back to their room to get shoes. I rushed her down the stairs and out to the car, placing Andy in the backseat. I pressed the gauze up against her chest as she winced a bit.

"Pressure," I whispered.

Kate jumped in the front and turned the keys in the ignition and Laura slid into the passenger seat. "Her central line stitches?" Kate asked as she reversed out of the driveway.

I nodded.

"But…" Laura sounded faint, far off, "that's in a major vein."

I looked at Andy, already growing pale. Both our shirts were already stained and the gauze was already soaking through.

"Just drive fast," I said steadily as we sped off.

"Why does everything have to suck so much?" Andy said, looking through me.

That's a blanket statement if I ever heard one.


	58. To the readers:

I'm sorry to say that MC, the author of this fanfiction, passed away on June 1st from complications with cancer, a battle she's been fighting since January

I'm sorry to say that MC, the author of this fanfiction, passed away on June 1st from complications with cancer, a battle she's been fighting since January. A friend of hers who also watches Kyle XY plans to pick up this story and continue it in a few weeks if you all do not mind. She understands that you are all MC's fans and not hers. Please leave a review/PM and let us know what you think.

R.I.P. MC


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